The NYT was roundly mocked for the original headline and has now changed it to
No One at Waffle House Remembers FEMA Official Who Says He Teleported In
I’m going to guess this was at 2am in the morning after a night of drinking at the local strip club. He just found himself at a table hungover, with a coffee and a plate of greasy bacon and eggs, wondering how he’d got there. Must have been a UFO portal. Couldn’t possibly have been a drunken blackout. No, siree.
Experts? Experts of what exactly? Teleportation?
We must assemble an panel of experts to discuss on the evening news. Both sides have legitimacy that must be explored. The segment must end inconclusively leaving it to you, the viewer, to decide on if the head of FEMA was teleported for a Waffle House against his will or if he was blackout drunk.
I teleported 15 blocks a month ago at 2am. I was leaving a bar, things go dark and I’m at a bus stop a mile away. The trippy thing was that no buses were running atm. I ordered the cheapest uber of my life and got back home.
Don’t they have mental health screening for employees at FEMA? Maybe it is time to take care of this person.
they do. They only hire the people with the highest scores on the results.
I felt like I teleported the first time I smoked weed, but I know that I didn’t literally teleport.
“FEMA official blacked out and came to at a Waffle House”
FTFY
waffle house has a homing beacon signal for drunk/drug addicts, they natural hone it on it.
blacked out and came to at a Waffle House
I have a proposal to add this to the Waffle House FAQs, if they have them.
Q: I teleported to Waffle House. Am I a god? Was I abducted by aliens? Am I the most important person in history?
A: While we cannot definitively rule out any of those things, every time this has happened in the past was due to the customer blacking out and going to the only place that was open at the time. In fact, this situation accounts for a large portion of our revenue. Don’t think of yourself as a pathetic brainless drunk loser. You’re an important part of the economy.
If memory serves, he also claimed to have been driving when he teleported into a ditch 50 miles away.
Which just comes across like he was driving when he really shouldn’t have been (Drunk/Tired and Emotional), and fallen asleep whilst on the road.
The sad thing here is the real underpinning: Guy had a fugue, which can be super alarming, and rather than contact his doctor or a doctor or, you know, even asking an AI, he decided he teleported and then decided to go public with that info. Now I hope someone talks to him. Transient fugue states can be normal and harmless but this can be a sign of something more serious, like epilepsy or brain changes. But also please someone fire him quickly.
You actually have to be an expert to be dubious of this?
If yes, what kind of expert?
The kind of expert Waffle House hires or feeds:
among roughly two dozen workers and regulars interviewed this week at Rome’s three Waffle House locations, none said they were aware of anyone traveling to the 24-hour restaurants by paranormal means,
Reporter: “Hello, I’m from the New York Times, and I’d like to ask whether you’re aware of anyone who has teleported to this Waffle House?”
Waffle House employee: Thinking “there are some real weirdos who come in here”. “Uh, no.”
That should become an SCP honestly. Just some one that randomly teleports you to waffle house or some other food related business but no one believes theres anything wrong
This statement looks like it came from a redacted document from FBC headquarters. What in the Remedyverse is this?
I suspect that this story is linked to the one below somehow…
First, who the fuck is an expert on teleporting to Waffle House?
Second, why the fuck are the experts “dubious” instead of incredulous or openly condescending? JFC, c’mon experts, do better!
I thought the use of “dubious” was hilarious. It’s quite an understatement, like, “Yeah, that may not have happened,” avoiding calling him a liar directly, but conveying that it’s extremely unlikely.
Who knows, they don’t wanna be wrong in ruling out the impossible, because what if just a rift opened up and pulled him to waffle house. Better not wanna state facts before investigating :O
…When mentally ill people are put in charge of the nation’s government…
All according to plan
I wonder if he having some sort of seizures. I saw an episode of scrubs were it was non apparent when it was happening but they regain consciousness and are confused.
Strangely after teleporting I always wake up with a headache and memory loss.
And for some reason it’s always right after twenty beers
Surely that’s a coincidence. If it was the beer, how come you don’t teleport a little bit after 1 beer?
My logic is infallible, and by my logic we can 100% exclude that beer has anything to do with it.The power of deduction baby. 😋
Bruh, you weren’t drinking beers, those were glasses of Ayahuasca.
I haven’t teleported since this one time where I immediately got lost and had to ask a dragon for a ride home. I woke up naked on my neighbor’s porch with a tattered ribbon of red silk tied around my penis.
It’s terrible what the aliens do to people after they scoop them up and before they teleport them back to Earth. There’s probes and prodding and general dubious medical practices. That’s probably what causes it. I’ve heard they use certain solvents to pacify people first though, so you might fail a breath test when you first return.
Yeah I think they are examining my head a bit too much. So much I’m sometimes also dizzy from it?!
Who are the teleportation experts?
So… going with the bit here…
At what point does the SCP Foundation step in?
Because to me, this sounds like either a cousin or variant of SCP - 7819.
… Its Keter class… people are not supposed to know about this.
Teleportation experts.
