I’m a guy who has been dating a woman for several months. She is self-employed and I swear about 20% of our conversations is her explaining all the things she has to do every day that may prevent her from being able to commit to seeing me. She swears she just got backed up on things and she’ll become more available, but I see her inventory continuing to grow, not shrink. She is also constantly supervising people on a variety of house projects (mutual disinterest in me getting involved there).
So I decided to ask the internet (DuckDuckGo (DDG) specifically): Am I dating a workaholic? What I found surprised me. I imagined I’d find a bunch of stupid little Cosmo-style quizzes, with the understanding that the reader would find out they were dating an workaholic and leave the relationship. Instead what I found was article after article after article with titles like,
- How to Date a Workaholic: 8 Steps (with Pictures)
- Dating a Workaholic (13 Tips to Make It Work)
- 12 Tips to Cope when Dating a Workaholic
The internet is assuming I WANT to date a workaholic.
Contrast that with results to the question Am I dating someone emotionally unavailable? DDG more straightforwardly answer the question (“17 Signs Someone is Emotionally Unavailable”) with a sprinkling of advice for how to cope.
I see workaholism as basically identical to emotional unavailability, but obviously it’s treated differently by society (maybe because it comes with money and home repairs?). So what is going on? Would you date a workaholic?
Pretty sure workaholics don’t see it that way. And that seems like a fairly inevitable conflict point if you’re dating someone who works a lot. Your opinion seems clear, you don’t want to date a workaholic.
Myself, I would probably have some of the same problems you have. Not sure if I’d want to be with someone who is routinely unavailable. But there it’s a trade off, people need a job, I’m sure I’d tolerate it to a point. Not sure where that breaking point would be specifically. I’ve noticed people who are workaholics usually have a work hard phase then a play hard phase, where they spend a bunch of money and own a bunch of random toys. Even though they’re usually only available like 3 days a month to use them. I’m not as much of a ‘big splurge purchase’ kind of person. So not sure that personality type would do well with me.
She doesn’t have any toys, really, just an expensive house she is constantly paying people to maintain. That is definitely a choice, though for her it seems to be necessity. She showed me her tax bill, as if to say, “See why I have to work so hard?” Her “play hard” is hanging out with her grandkids.
I’m happy with a condo and apartment life and living simply and cheaply so I can enjoy my life. Shit, I’d love for a girlfriend to move in so we could split the rent! The reality is she probably needs the house to justify her workaholism.
She doesn’t seem to be aware of nor interested in a different lifestyle. You clearly cannot jive together, and I think her attitude is wrong because she keeps bringing it up to justify it, like it’s a major point of emotional insecurity for her (or else she wouldn’t mention it half as much) that you clearly don’t have to and shouldn’t need to put up with. Get outta there already!