I matched with a guy on a dating app, and we seemed to get along well from the chemistry and conversation down to humor. The first date was great and unlike others I’ve had, although I noticed he was very straightforward physically, kissing me several times. I’ve had to deal with guys with wrong intentions in the past so I was cautious and told him on our next date that I prefer to move more slowly after he was trying to cuddle a lot, smelling my hair, and kissing my neck - even though he stated that he is looking for a long-term relationship after getting to know people and seeing who is most compatible. He was strangely quiet and didn’t say much once I communicated that. Then he pulled back and seemed less interested when I asked if he was free to meet again, ghosted me for a few days, and then finally sent a transactional text saying he didn’t see long-term romantic potential and didn’t want to string me along. I felt so sad and confused at the sudden shift, and asked if we can have a call just to talk for a bit but he completely ghosted me again and removed his entire dating focus description (it was “Long-term relationship” at the time of our dates, previously “Long-term, open to short-term”, and was not publicly shared at all before that)
Should I follow up? There are some topics I thought may be good to clarify and address through a text message in case those were what turned him away or are areas he thought I could’ve done better. For example, he was patient with my response speed in our early conversations while I was especially busy and intermittent on the app. Also without being too specific, there was something he may have felt I should’ve done during our first date, but I saw it differently (relating to traditional chivalry), and maybe he feels like I should apologize for that. I really have no idea and feel like I didn’t get closure, but I also feel betrayed that he didn’t even think that I deserve one call. Is this a lost cause? What exactly happened, and was he ever intentional (he also had a few situationships recently)?
Any advice, help, or even just empathy would be appreciated!
When a narcissistic (or other personality disorder) person has disposed of us, it’s normal to feel totally disorientated. I’m assuming too much here, but I’ve seen this pattern often so since you sound surprised I’ll just elaborate a little.
Unfortunately there are many men out there who only really experience feelings around their base desires: eating, drinking, sex, etc. They want to be satiated, but because they lack empathy they can’t engage normally with people. So they calculate in advance how to maximise charm and speed up results. They’ve gotten good at this from spending a lot of time observing people and wondering why they’re not like them. Usually from an early age.
Once they’ve gotten what they want, it’s like having just had a large meal. They cannot face us anymore, and faking interest even becomes harder. When the appetite builds up again they either return or find their next source of supply.
It’s usually best to find someone new who sees them as new and interesting. That feels really good, and nobody who has known them a bit longer can really provide them with that bedazzled reaction that the narcissist craves.
They look like normal people, work, make small talk etc, to blend in well when they have to but they’re not like us.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. I know the feeling.