I matched with a guy on a dating app, and we seemed to get along well from the chemistry and conversation down to humor. The first date was great and unlike others I’ve had, although I noticed he was very straightforward physically, kissing me several times. I’ve had to deal with guys with wrong intentions in the past so I was cautious and told him on our next date that I prefer to move more slowly after he was trying to cuddle a lot, smelling my hair, and kissing my neck - even though he stated that he is looking for a long-term relationship after getting to know people and seeing who is most compatible. He was strangely quiet and didn’t say much once I communicated that. Then he pulled back and seemed less interested when I asked if he was free to meet again, ghosted me for a few days, and then finally sent a transactional text saying he didn’t see long-term romantic potential and didn’t want to string me along. I felt so sad and confused at the sudden shift, and asked if we can have a call just to talk for a bit but he completely ghosted me again and removed his entire dating focus description (it was “Long-term relationship” at the time of our dates, previously “Long-term, open to short-term”, and was not publicly shared at all before that)
Should I follow up? There are some topics I thought may be good to clarify and address through a text message in case those were what turned him away or are areas he thought I could’ve done better. For example, he was patient with my response speed in our early conversations while I was especially busy and intermittent on the app. Also without being too specific, there was something he may have felt I should’ve done during our first date, but I saw it differently (relating to traditional chivalry), and maybe he feels like I should apologize for that. I really have no idea and feel like I didn’t get closure, but I also feel betrayed that he didn’t even think that I deserve one call. Is this a lost cause? What exactly happened, and was he ever intentional (he also had a few situationships recently)?
Any advice, help, or even just empathy would be appreciated!
He would have likely ghosted you if you had fucked on the first date too, or possibly had sex with you a few more times before becoming very busy because of work.
There are guys out there who say “I’m really looking for love and a long-term partner and hoping to find the right person” specifically because they want one-night stands and think that some naive people will think “This is it! Maybe he really likes me?” and have sex as a result.
If this trick didn’t work, sleazebags wouldn’t do it.
There are also people who may genuinely be looking for love (or lie to themselves about that) and when they meet up with someone who they aren’t that into, they will still act charming and interested and polite in romantic in the hopes of getting laid. It’s like a “well, I’m not that interested, this person is okay but not that hot, but I took an hour to get ready and then another 30 minutes to drive here, maybe I can at least get laid if the person’s easy…” You weren’t easy, so that trick didn’t work…
Definitely do not follow up. It’s very unlikely he was extremely sexually attracted to you and there was something you said that could be negotiated. He’s probably not thinking “She’s so hot, but she seems to mild for me.”
It’s probably more like he thought “Oh she seems nice, I’m not that into how she looks, she’s not that hot, maybe she’ll fuck?”
It’s hard to know if you could follow up without knowing what the traditional chivalry thing is about. If he paid for everything, instead of splitting, and you’re often busy with work and doing well, and that’s why… it could be that he genuinely can’t afford a long courtship process if he can’t be sure if he’s being used.
That’s a real concern because sometimes women will date guys, use them for free meals and free whatever, and not really actually want a relationship. For all he knows, you could go out on dates with guys three times a month, never pay, and never have sex, and just get free meals. Apps can be very brutal for some guys and some guys may feel like “If she’s not willing to be fair with money now, I’m going to get taken advantage of later.” I think it’s fair for someone to feel that way. He also may not be able to afford not splitting the bill in a long courtship. He may have income of 5000 a month, gets 3500 back after deductions, as has close to 3400 in expenses (or whatever). How nice of a place did you go to?
So if that’s specifically what happened, you could text back and say “I thought you were really hot. If this was just because of not splitting the bill, I’m willing to pay when we go out next time, but hopefully only if you think I’m hot too. I do want a long-term relationship and am not looking to have sex with anyone until (after marriage, until a guy says on Instagram we’re dating, until I’ve been dating a guy at least X months, etc.) However, if you just weren’t that into me or don’t want to wait that long, I get it, everyone has a type, right? If you weren’t that into me generally, no need to respond!”