I matched with a guy on a dating app, and we seemed to get along well from the chemistry and conversation down to humor. The first date was great and unlike others I’ve had, although I noticed he was very straightforward physically, kissing me several times. I’ve had to deal with guys with wrong intentions in the past so I was cautious and told him on our next date that I prefer to move more slowly after he was trying to cuddle a lot, smelling my hair, and kissing my neck - even though he stated that he is looking for a long-term relationship after getting to know people and seeing who is most compatible. He was strangely quiet and didn’t say much once I communicated that. Then he pulled back and seemed less interested when I asked if he was free to meet again, ghosted me for a few days, and then finally sent a transactional text saying he didn’t see long-term romantic potential and didn’t want to string me along. I felt so sad and confused at the sudden shift, and asked if we can have a call just to talk for a bit but he completely ghosted me again and removed his entire dating focus description (it was “Long-term relationship” at the time of our dates, previously “Long-term, open to short-term”, and was not publicly shared at all before that)

Should I follow up? There are some topics I thought may be good to clarify and address through a text message in case those were what turned him away or are areas he thought I could’ve done better. For example, he was patient with my response speed in our early conversations while I was especially busy and intermittent on the app. Also without being too specific, there was something he may have felt I should’ve done during our first date, but I saw it differently (relating to traditional chivalry), and maybe he feels like I should apologize for that. I really have no idea and feel like I didn’t get closure, but I also feel betrayed that he didn’t even think that I deserve one call. Is this a lost cause? What exactly happened, and was he ever intentional (he also had a few situationships recently)?

Any advice, help, or even just empathy would be appreciated!

  • Zak@lemmy.world
    3·
    20 hours ago

    People aren’t always honest on dating sites. Something they’re particularly likely to be dishonest about is what kind of relationship they’re looking for. Women will sometimes say they’re looking for a long-term relationship even if they might be open to something else because saying they’re open to casual sex is “slutty”. Men will often say they’re looking for a long-term relationship even though they’re not because women won’t meet them if they don’t say that because it’s “slutty”.

    That may be what you encountered: a man trying to see if you really meant what your profile said, or it might be a man trying to deceive you to get casual sex when that’s not what you’re looking for. Either way, a follow-up will not lead to the long-term relationship you’re seeking.

    Edit: I also wouldn’t characterize his behavior as “ghosting”. Ghosting is cutting off communication without explanation. He gave you an explanation.