I have mixed feelings about romance. Sometimes I’ll sort of forget about it like it doesn’t even matter. Sometimes I’ll really yearn for it hard like it’s a huge deal. But I don’t know how much of the 2nd one is cultural influence of putting romance on this huge pedestal as like the best thing since gluten-free sliced bread. Like a good partnership would probably help me a lot, but it’s also not going to solve my problems on its own and a bad one could make them worse. I think the more important thing, probably, is to unfuck my brain with regards to attachment more generally. I tend to have that thing going on, I forget the exact term, where you seek attention and then want to run when you actually get it. Fearful… anxious… something or other. I could just look it up. Anyway, I have come a long way in emotional stability and self esteem I think, but it could still be a lot better and unfucking attachment is probably a significant part of that so that attachment is a source of security and stability instead of a combination of desiring it and fearing it. My gut tells me I’d actually have a pretty easy time having long-term relationships, platonic or otherwise, if I didn’t have the fear/avoid thing in the mix, along with general insecurity about my capability to maintain relationships over time and distance due to my distractability and sudden dropoffs of interest; but then, judging relationship maintaining with distance as a factor is pretty unfair, as most human beings throughout history did not have the internet and such, they could just know the people who were right there and not have to think about it beyond that. My gut also tells me I need to eat healthier and that holding onto anxiety is bad for its digestion. It’s not even speaking in english. I don’t know what language the gut uses. Communicates through “this feels good” and “that feels bad” I guess.