Hard to say, but in the universe with the least divergence from current one, I’d probably be an author, not like top 10 or anything close, but just someone that’s well known enough to be able to live off royalties with sone investments on the side.
As for this timeline, I think my brain is too fucked up from being abused/neglected as a child and severe depression fucking up even further. I have like a very shitty story outline written 2 year ago, and haven’t worked on it ever since. Honestly I have a lot of physical health issues as well, so that futher makes me have less hope in the future, and when my future looks so bleak, I can’t find the motivation to do anything. I’m financially dependent on my parents for healthcare, and I don’t feel like directly asking them for help, so I’m just let my self suffer, because its so fucking hard to even get on a phone call to make a doctors appointment, and so hard to have to go outside and face all the uncertanties of life. And also I’d have to ask my parents for the funds to pay for stuff, cuz like I said, there is no free healthcare in the US where I live, and I don’t have the funds for that stuff, so I’m just gonna die sick, and young, because I don’t feel like asking my abusive parents for help.
Because maybe when I die, maybe I’ll become some form of spirit and see confirmation on how much everyone hated me.
It sounds like you’re pretty skilled at resilience. No doubt it doesn’t feel like it, because it sounds like you’re far from thriving in life. However, as someone with a fair bit of trauma of my own, I know how hard it can be to simply continue existing.
I’m not going to say some trite shit about how things can get better, because I’ve been grappling with hopelessness myself a lot lately; just because something can theoretically get better doesn’t necessarily mean that it will — especially when the material circumstances of our life are so tied to the opportunities to heal that we have access to. What I will say is that I’m sorry you had to develop such resilience, and that so many of those happier potential futures were stolen from you. It’s not fair, and no amount of future happiness can ever change that. However, I hope that some day you are able to discover an accessible future that can be fulfilling for you, because you deserve it. Something that I tell myself when I am very low is that as long as I am alive, there is a non-zero chance that things will improve. It’s not much, but sometimes when it hurts too much to hope, it helps to hope for a reason to hope.
For what it’s worth, I’m glad you’re here. I’m generally miserable lately, and although I know next to nothing of your world, there’s enough here that I feel a sense of solidarity with you. I’m not entirely sure whether that makes me feel any better — in some ways it hurts to see other people battling circumstance in the ways you describe. On the other hand, it does make me feel less alone, which bolsters my resolve somewhat. So thank you for being here (where “here” means on this thread, but also existing in this world). Existing is fucking hard under the circumstances you describe, and though it’s surely hard to see it this way, your strength in persisting is an achievement to be proud of.
Hard to say, but in the universe with the least divergence from current one, I’d probably be an author, not like top 10 or anything close, but just someone that’s well known enough to be able to live off royalties with sone investments on the side.
As for this timeline, I think my brain is too fucked up from being abused/neglected as a child and severe depression fucking up even further. I have like a very shitty story outline written 2 year ago, and haven’t worked on it ever since. Honestly I have a lot of physical health issues as well, so that futher makes me have less hope in the future, and when my future looks so bleak, I can’t find the motivation to do anything. I’m financially dependent on my parents for healthcare, and I don’t feel like directly asking them for help, so I’m just let my self suffer, because its so fucking hard to even get on a phone call to make a doctors appointment, and so hard to have to go outside and face all the uncertanties of life. And also I’d have to ask my parents for the funds to pay for stuff, cuz like I said, there is no free healthcare in the US where I live, and I don’t have the funds for that stuff, so I’m just gonna die sick, and young, because I don’t feel like asking my abusive parents for help.
Because maybe when I die, maybe I’ll become some form of spirit and see confirmation on how much everyone hated me.
Why am I even typing this lol… sorry for the rant
It sounds like you’re pretty skilled at resilience. No doubt it doesn’t feel like it, because it sounds like you’re far from thriving in life. However, as someone with a fair bit of trauma of my own, I know how hard it can be to simply continue existing.
I’m not going to say some trite shit about how things can get better, because I’ve been grappling with hopelessness myself a lot lately; just because something can theoretically get better doesn’t necessarily mean that it will — especially when the material circumstances of our life are so tied to the opportunities to heal that we have access to. What I will say is that I’m sorry you had to develop such resilience, and that so many of those happier potential futures were stolen from you. It’s not fair, and no amount of future happiness can ever change that. However, I hope that some day you are able to discover an accessible future that can be fulfilling for you, because you deserve it. Something that I tell myself when I am very low is that as long as I am alive, there is a non-zero chance that things will improve. It’s not much, but sometimes when it hurts too much to hope, it helps to hope for a reason to hope.
For what it’s worth, I’m glad you’re here. I’m generally miserable lately, and although I know next to nothing of your world, there’s enough here that I feel a sense of solidarity with you. I’m not entirely sure whether that makes me feel any better — in some ways it hurts to see other people battling circumstance in the ways you describe. On the other hand, it does make me feel less alone, which bolsters my resolve somewhat. So thank you for being here (where “here” means on this thread, but also existing in this world). Existing is fucking hard under the circumstances you describe, and though it’s surely hard to see it this way, your strength in persisting is an achievement to be proud of.
Even when it was not addressed to me, I appreciate your thoughtful response. I like to see and read these kinds of thoughtful and supportive comments.
Sounds rough. Best wishes