I know a lot of kids who came from abuse, maybe as bad as you’ve dealt with. You’re not a monster. It’s not your job to create a relationship with your parents, or even want one, it’s theirs. So many millennials, not just Americans, felt they should have kids, full stop. No plan, no idea, no help. When they figure out quickly this isn’t for them, it’s too late to turn back. They can give up the child and the way people see them, or try to keep up the farce. To some, being seen a certain way is more threatening than some kid not liking them. So they just play parents, and usually make the kids upbringing the kids fault or their families. I spent a lot of weekends at my Grandparents house, hiding from the things my parents wanted me to do. Instead doing the things I wanted to do. I’m glad I was allowed that space as a kid because I don’t know how messed up i would be without it. What’s crazier is they claim to have 100% raised me, as though 99% of the things I do came from them, not my grandparents. People get very silly when they aren’t honest with themselves. I hope more people know being honest about yourself doesn’t mean you have to change, but you can’t be afraid to see yourself as you know yourself. If you suddenly become a parent and you’re not ready, you’re fucking up your life and the kids by pretending you can when you can’t. Usually these people have strong enablers too, not unusual in people who struggle in general. Those enablers might be useful for getting a job, or trying something new, but not being a parent. You probably know this already, just wanted to commiserate for a moment.