EDIT: For those concerned about how this story sounds: I’m leaving out a ton of detail for the sake of brevity. The history of how I’ve felt about possibly being trans technically goes back since I was a kid. And over the past years its been more notable and its intensified in the past few months. Past few days are just sort of a sudden cracking of the egg.
EDIT2: Also, HRT doesn’t bring about any permanent effects for the first few months is what I’ve read. Just softening of the skin basically and emotional changes. Some of you freaking out about me immediately starting HRT are being alarmist. If by some incredibly unlikely situation I end up hating being on HRT I’ll figure it out within the first month or three and stop. But I know that’s not going to happen TBH.
So, let me give some quick explanation on how I got here: Last Thursday, a girl I was essentially obsessed with told me to fuck off forever, even as a friend. To be honest I alienated my entire friend group surrounding her. I deserved this by any conventional measure, but that’s not what I want to litigate.
I had been on a mental loop essentially obsessing over her, and when it was clear I’d not get to even be her friend anymore, let alone be with her romantically, I realized I had absolutely nothing to think about or put my energy into. She was kind of part of my last (I’m autistic) hyper fixation of romance that had crumbled before me. I went from Video games to Politics to Romance. I cared about nothing for a few days, purely operating on survival mode, work was absolutely miserable and free time I sat around doing essentially nothing but thinking and watching garbage youtube. I did not want to live anymore, though I had suicidal ideation even before she rejected even my friendship.
Saturday night and Sunday morning, in bed I ruminated about the only thing left basically all night waking up randomly: myself. My identity. Who the fuck am I? I wont get to heavy into details but I realized I was in denial with my “gender ambivalence” I wasn’t ambivalent. I’m a transwoman. I told a friend and they immediately called me “Girrl!” and called me by a feminine form of my name via text. I immediately liked this to an extreme degree. And I think this kind of confirms it. I literally had a strong emotional sense of pleasure. I’ve never been excited to be a guy.
I feel both amazingly good about this revelation but also extremely… sad. I’m 38. I feel like I missed out on literally the best possible years to be a woman and I’m about to go into the worst. And the years I lived as a man were pretty terrible. I feel like I’ve been cheated.
I’ve realized the only real way I’m going to manage any real romance is to embrace who I actually am and stop pretending. I thought all my masking was to appear allistic (I’m autistic) but I was also essentially masking my gender. Pretending to be a guy. And I fucking suck at it.
Fortunately, I’ve aged surprisingly well despite being 38. I have all my hair. I already have a somewhat elven-esque pretty boy face even today that I think will not really require facial work. I have a “sing-song” voice for a guy. I am naturally relatively lanky/thin. Because I’m an indoors and night time person I’ve suffered minimal to zero UV damage to my skin and I don’t smoke.
This almost stings more though: god how cute I could have been! What an absolute waste. But there is something to be salvaged at least. I plan to start HRT ASAP. I intend to call Planned Parenthood today.
Anyway, the actual question is: Other than HRT, what do I do now? What do I need to be careful about? What should I avoid? What should I try?
I’m hearing a lot of similarities to my own story.
On the spectrum. Obsessive personality traits. Manic once I get an idea in my head that clicks. Fantisized about being female since adolescent. Super interested when I discovered it was an option to be trans in college. Took until my 40s to own it. Regret I didnt do something about it back then.
My plan last year was to start HRT this year. Like it was some gate I needed to pass through (obsessive personality). I never officially decided not to do it now that the year is ending, but I’ve found contentment without it after two years of deep exploration.
Like a half dozen wigs, few pairs of prosthetic breasts, more women’s clothing in my wardrobe than the sum of all male clothing I’ve owned my whole adult life, like 50 pairs of heels (I really really fucking love heals), make up, galons of professional nail polish, laser hair removal, small fortune in GLP-1 meds to reach the body figure I wanted, etc, etc.
I don’t know when the switch happened, but eventually the obsession with getting HRT fizzled out. I wear almost exclusively women’s clothing today. Most of it passes as gender neutral, but its distinctly more feminine color pallets or the way it fits. Outside of professional settings I’ll wear my beloved heals out. In safe spaces I’ll go full cross dressed.
You know what? I’m happier not having to identify as one label or the other and stressing about this gate that needs to be crossed. I’m just me and that’s enough. Anyways, just wanted to play devil’s advocate here as I heard a lot of myself in your post. Journey before destination or some shit like that.
Best wishes with whatever you choose.
Having the face and body is more important to me than the clothes and accessories, at least for the moment. I want to be able to wear men’s clothing but still be obviously a woman in appearance.
But yes I will try out women’s clothes now though and I’m kind of excited (if nervous) about trying it all. I’ve only done drag once. I did like it.