I (22M, heterosexual) am interested in a sensual and affectionate form of intimacy involving purely oral stimulation. My desire is entirely centered on kissing and being kissed as a way to exchange love and pleasure (with oral sex being an extension of kissing). It is so hot to me that it is genuinely all I want, and penetrative forms of sex do not interest me. (Due to medical issues, they also might not work super well at this point.)
I have never had a sexual partner because I was raised with a traditional model of intimacy in which an active male partner penetrates a passive female partner. Since my desires did not fit this framework, I never tried to even date anyone, believing that the type of intimacy I wanted - one in which both partners took turns giving and receiving oral pleasure - was impossible. At least, not without having to participate in an activity that didn’t arouse me.
I am not nearly as ignorant as I was back then, but I would like to know if there is a general dating strategy to efficiently narrow things down to women who aren’t interested in or don’t require penetrative sex.
Does anyone know of someone in a similar situation who found a compatible partner regardless? If so, how did they do it?
Fun fact, in the gay community, we call this a “side.” I’m a side :) It means you don’t top (give the dick) or bottom (take the dick) or vers (which is down for either). Nothing penetrative but everything else is fair game. And it’s not asexuality because you have and want sexual desires, you just don’t want the activity of penetration specifically.
Not sure if that term will help you in the straight community, but be aware that it’s totally normal and quite common actually.
That’s not unlike some forms of asexuality. Try dating in ace spaces. Many of them aren’t repulsed by sex, just by penetrative sex.
Since so much of dating outside of heterosexuality is discussing what exactly you’re okay with and looking for, it’s a pretty safe way to learn about yourself and build that relational vocabulary.
As an ace therapist, I agree with this answer OP. Like others have said, talking to a therapist would also be a good idea, but be sure to find a therapist who’s actually familiar with aspec stuff
TIL more about b-aced king TherapyGary
I’m glad you chimed in because this was my first instinct, but it didn’t seem responsible to say so when I have no experience there. It’s why I recommend speaking to a therapist.
Have you talked to a therapist? I’m not saying there’s anything wrong, nor would I have the expertise to. But it sounds like there might be more there than people on Lemmy are capable of helping with.
People are probably giving good advice when saying people of knowledge (either therapists or lgbtqia associations) may be of more help than people on the fediverse. Other than that, my experience about this is that it needs communication, and that the sooner the better : i guess it’s not different from traditional dating, you would just talk about your needs in intimacy at the beginning of a relation and see if it’s okay for your partner or not.
The clitoris is much more exposed outside than it is inside the vagina. For most women penetration doesn’t feel that much compared external forms of stimulations.
Just look for someone that’s not judgmental and that you can talk to about sexcbefor doing it and explain. A ton of women complain that sex revolves too much around penetration for them. Odds are they won’t have any issue with you not being interested in it and they might even see this as a plus.
