He’s 48, the girl is 17. Yes, their relationship is legal here; legality is not the point, but morality and ethics - I don’t think it’s okay. They’ve been dating for a few months now. I only found out about it recently when he started bringing her home to spend the night (I’m 19 and live with him). Dad’s been widowed since 2023. Her parents know and support this relationship - heard it straight from their mouth when they came to visit. My family believes the girl is a gold digger so she’s the one in the wrong. My dad and I are very close, he’s always been an amazing dad, supports me in every way a person can be supported… I’m queer and being queer in Romania isn’t well received to say the least, but he’s always had my back and I feel safe because of him. Now for him to go and do something like this… I talked to both him and the girl, he says it’s just something that happened (he didn’t go looking for it); she says she loves being spoilt and how “chill” my dad is (she characterized the relationship as a cold day in bed under the warm covers). I don’t really know what I’m looking to hear honestly, but I want to talk about it.
Locking this post because you’ve got a ton of advice and some people are dangerously close to excusing pedophillia.
It is absolutely weird for someone in their 40s to date someone who is not even 18 yet, but he’s a grown man and you don’t control his choices. If I were you I would get out of there as soon as possible and go low contact but that’s just my opinion.
Really there’s not much you can/should do. You can try to get along with her or distance yourself for now. There’s a good chance the problem will solve itself in time. Personally I think it’s a pretty huge age gap but if they really just met randomly and hit it off without pressure then honestly whatever. There are worse things going on in the world than two people under the warm covers of a bed. People are very sensitive about age gaps in modern western society (don’t get me wrong, I think that’s a good thing) but other concepts do exist and reality isn’t always as black and white as we would like it to be.
I’ll come right out and say the West isn’t necessarily ahead on what a good relationship is. Outside of maybe traditional rural areas our extended families are fucked. Some of the people we idolise are openly toxic. The few ideas there are about what makes a good partner are far too abstract, and emphasise short-term attributes over lasting compatibility despite that being a stated goal.
Lasting compatibility is the main problem I see here, too, although I’m hardly old enough to confidently comment. A 17 year old’s life and worldview are going to change in a million ways over the next decade. Even relationships with other 17 year olds tend not to last, but then there’s a mutuality to the growing up and going separate ways.
socially weird for sure, but honestly if it’s legal and they’re both happy, why care? besides, he’s supportive of you, so why not at least do the same to him?
the general acceptable rule is half your age +7 years.
so 24+7 = 31
no I didn’t make this “rule”, but it is generally accepted in society. but of course every place is different and has different norms.
Given that she’s gold digging or something similar and he probably knows, I’m not sure if that’s even immoral. Just a bad idea and going to fall apart in a messy way.
Maybe it seems icky, and in the West proper everyone would agree with you, but in your own culture the other poster was right, your dad has already overlooked your own taboo preferences.
Edit: Hopefully that helps. I’m not trying to shame you here, it’s a complicated situation.
That’s…gross…
The age difference is pretty much the difference between me (49) and my S.O’s daughter (18); a girl who I very much think of as a step-daughter.
Being legal means you can’t really do anything. But morally it absolutely should change the way people see your father, and rightly so. He’s a pedo, plain and simple. When the age difference is so large (31 years), the 365 days difference between 16 and 17 doesn’t make any difference from a moral perspective.
I am 50 and I can tell you with absolute certainty, 17 year olds are like children. I work next to a collage campus and even 21 year olds are like children. My niece just turned 27 and she is just in the last couple years actually acting like an adult. I hope your dad has a great time but I doubt it will last unless she really is just a gold digger, looking for a sugar daddy.
more power to them both if that is the case, but your feelings are totally relatable.
The only way to solve this is by dating someone two years older than him. Bonus points if you get their parents to come over for dinner
They could even just lie about it. Pretend for a week or two and watch the dads skin crawl and they can wallow in their own hypocrisy
What to do?
You already did it. I suggest it is time for you to grow up some. People are messy. Even the people you revere are messy.
Your father is putting a roof over your head and providing you safe place to have the relationships you want but you are not affording him the same. I think it is crazy, but by your own words in your country his relationships are more acceptable than yours.
It sounds to me like both your dad and her are happy. She loves being pampered and he is loving being with a 17 year old. Your extended family is some what correct by labeling her a gold digger, but they are totally full of shit saying the young women is in the wrong. Theirs is a transactional relationship and it sounds to me like they are very honest with each other about it.
Do I think that is a wonky relationship? Sure, but I am not Romanian and truth be told if this were happening in the states it would be totally acceptable if she were 365 days older.
You have no other options.
- It is legal inn your country
- She is happy
- He is happy
- Those that matter to her are happy
- You still have a roof over your head
- You still have a safe place
- You still have your dad
I agree with some of this but not so much with these parts:
I suggest it is time for you to grow up some.
No reason to treat OP like a child. This post is more of an “off my chest” than anything else. It sounds to me like that already accept most of what you said, but just need to process it.
if this were happening in the states it would be totally acceptable if she were 365 days older.
Would it? I’m not American. Would it be socially and ethically acceptable for a 40-something man to date an 18 years old girl? I’m skeptical of that. OP started their post pointing out it’s not about legality.
Your father is […] providing you safe place to have the relationships you want but you are not affording him the same.
That’s not fair, for many reasons. First, I didn’t get the impression that OP actively tried to sabotage the relationship, just probed at how it happened and maybe expressed that it makes them feel uncomfortable, though we don’t even know that for sure. That’s not the same as “not providing a safe space”. For all we know, OP’s dad might also be uncomfortable with a queer relationship but swallows it up - same as OP is doing.
Where I do agree with you is that OP’s only remaining option is to accept that this relationship is happening. And I think OP already knew that before posting this.
Fuck off with the whole ‘providing shelter makes this shit passable’ crap. Gross.
I’m calling it, If anyone tries to break them up he will marry her.
I mean morally is bad but if you try to push then to break up this will turn into a marriage. If it’s about the money…well it’s his money he coud go and buy a sports car but he got a young girlfriend. Idk where a 48yo meets a 17yo and “just happens” but it is what it is. Let him do what he wants and monitor the situation.
They met on 1 May when both of them were having a barbecue/picnic out in nature in the same area, as it’s the custom on that day.
Regardless of what many comments say, your feelings are completely valid. I’d be upset too. It’s not like your dad is doing anything monstrous, but it’s plain stupid (to say the least). Sometimes, love is that way. It lasts whatever is needed for the people involved to learn some stuff.
Be patient. Your support will be needed, sooner or later. Even if the relationship doesn’t end at all. There will be drawbacks. If you don’t feel up to the ‘task’, cool. It’s not an obligation. Just keep your distance from it.
Btw, 19 is a good age to start living with some frens. Perhaps a talk with your Dad is due… do not make it about this situation (or not exclusively). You deserve your own space. I believe the need for it can be something that was already in the works, and now you are getting ‘hit’ by everything altogether and all at once with this situation.
Good luck!
Agreed, everyone had their own morals on this and that is perfectly fine. It’s up to them to decide if that relationship is going to hold.
And of course there might be downsides just like there are going to be perceived upsides - it really depends on their interaction, as even same age groups can have major downsides.
Do not fall for Tumblr/twitter discourse, leave your dad alone until you leave, don’t do anything.
If it’s legal, then you’ve either got to put your morality aside and accept it or remove yourself from the situation. You can’t demand that others alter their behaviour to suit your moral code. There’s a better-than-fair chance that it won’t work out, anyway. She will want to do things that he’s not capable of due to his age, and he will want to do things that she’s not mature enough to process reasonably. If the relationship lasts, then good on them for finding happiness. From a personal point-of-view, I would be weirded out if my dad’s girlfriend was younger than me, too.
This is the right answer. If you have a problem with the law, work to change the law. If they are consensual adults… it’s really their business.
There is nothing morally wrong about an age gap between consenting partners within the bounds of the law. It’s really wild to see how much shame this gets.
I had a very close personal friend describe herself as a “coffin robber”. And I promise they were more than attractive enough to get whomever they wanted within reason. Nor reason to marsh their mallow because it’s not something you personally would do.
There is nothing morally wrong about an age gap between consenting partners within the bounds of the law.
You can’t base morality on the law. That’s just plain wrong.
There is nothing morally wrong about an age gap between consenting partners within the bounds of the law.
I must disagree with that point of your argument. In Nigeria for example, the age of consent for sexual intercourse is 11. Does that mean it would be morally acceptable for OPs dad, were they in Nigeria and not Romania, at 49 to have a sexual relationship with an 11 year old child?
Morality and legality are not the same thing.
In this instance however, if we take OPs dad at face value and it occurred naturally and there’s been no grooming or coersion or external pressure put on the girl then I agree that it’s between two consenting adults. But where does a 17 year old girl and a 49 year old man even meet to have any form of interaction, let alone one that’s evolved into a sexual relationship. I find it hard to believe there wasn’t some level of “courting” where the father has actively persued a relationship with this girl and that raises all sorts of other questions.
edit I’m - > in | me - > be
Were you trying to say “harsh their mellow?”
no, I meant marsh their mellow.
it’s slang for yucking some one else’s yumn.
I rather quite like the marshmallow version.
I agree that the wordplay is more fun, but it paints marshmallows in a negative light, which doesn’t really track.
I hate this take. That’s her DAD. It’s not about “altering behaviors to suit my moral code” it’s about her fucking dad is grooming a child and she should say something. I don’t give a flying FUCK what any law says, a 17 yr old girl is a child compared to a 48 year old man. This is gross, and she should definitely say something. Again, not about asserting one’s moral code onto others, it’s about showing up for your family and helping them through bullshit.
I appreciate your response and I don’t think you should be downvoted for it.
I agree that it is gross. As a 48 year-old myself, there is no way that I would date a 17 year-old and I would voice my objection if it were one of my friends or family…
The legality matters because the laws are usually aligned with the moral and ethical standards set by the society to which they apply. The moral and ethical standards in OP’s country are not the same as in mine and I cannot apply my moral standards to their situation.
But that is not the question. The question asked is “what should I do?” not “how do you feel about it?” They stated that they value the relationship with their father, therefore interfering or objecting are not possible without risk to that relationship. That leaves living with it peacefully or living somewhere else as the only two viable options.
As for grooming… Grooming (in this context) is the act of preparing for, not already engaged in, a sexual relationship. This relationship is beyond grooming and, like you said, gross (as seen through my moral lens).
She will want to do things that he’s not capable of due to his age.
The fuck…? He’s 48… Not 100 years old. What do you think a 48-year-old is like?
I’m 48. A 48 year-old is like me. There’s no way I could keep up with a 17 year-old.
Theres truth in it. Im 37 and I recently lost the ability to stand in crowded and noisy places with people I dont like.
You too huh?
Me three. The level of bullshit I am able to handle ha dropped so much in my 30s! There needs to be an impressively good reason for me to go to a crowded place
Go fuck someone older than your dad and make it even
This but unironically
Bring someone with a similar age diff home (just for show, don’t have to actually do anything) and tell him about his hypocrisy when he gets mad
Totally okay to feel this way OP!!!
Best thing I read from all the comments so far was getting to know the woman more. There might be some small chance she happens be super mature? I don’t know, there are people who have spent multiple decades on this planet and we’re left with a few positive things to say about them and their maturity. Then you had the Greta Thunbergs & Malala Yousafzais whose brains likely developed far faster than almost any of their peers…
48 & 28, or any age and like 30, would certainly be a much better age gap. Not because I’m ageist but owing to statistics, probabilities, all that… it just helps when someone reaches a certain age where you become fairly confident they must’ve become an adult at some point and figured some stuff out. Then you are able to relax a bit with the otherwise inherent suspicions.
There are 8 billion of us. Presumably more than zero 18-year-olds will be happier, more fulfilled, even better off should they join an older partner. They will be exceptions to the rule. (Rule… like half your age +7 maybe? Would = 31 for your paps.) I guess I like to give people the benefit of the doubt (though keep in mind “more than zero“ is saying very little).
It is a BADDDDD look. It is unlikely it’s all gravy. Non-zero chance, though—non-zero chance it’s not the worst thing ever. Since it’s not illegal, you’ve time to sleep on it all some more and keep thinking where to go. Can make a new post here next week with more thoughts and questions. We’ll be here for ya buddy. (Can DM me if we miss it)
Final thought, I remember something (maybe “best of Reddit“) where someone eloquently ELI5’d to a young woman why although it felt so awesome to be with an older guy there were risks and why it wasn’t a good look for the guy essentially I think. Maybe someone remembers the post and can find it. Then if you get to know the young woman more, and you realize she…
is delusional(sry sounds offensive, just mean she’s actually mentally 17 like her birthday would predict), you would have this great way of explaining to her why the whole older guy thing isn’t isn’t Bee’s Knees.
