For me, I never thought I’d see my 20s. Because growing up, I was a very unhealthy overweight kid and teenager growing up. I had heard of people not making it to their young adult lives because of being plagued by numerous health issues, being overweight one of them.
Every age. I’ve been depressed since childhood and the thought of “I might die tomorrow” has been in my head for a very long time. I never related to the idea that teenagers feel “invincible.” A girl I used to be friends with died when I was in high school, from leukemia, then a close friend died at 22 from a cocaine overdose. More deaths followed over the years, and every birthday I’m like, “Wtf, how am I still here?”
I keep thinking I’ll die sooner rather than later, but somehow I keep surviving. I don’t even know why, especially now that I truly don’t see how anything about my life or the world at large can possibly get better. Things suck far more than I expected them to and there’s very little joy to find anymore. Something about the last few years broke the part of me that gives a fuck and it would take a mighty change in society for it to recover.
Oh yeah, and the co-pays from the psych office are too expensive for me to keep up. This is me while still on my anti-depressants (which were reduced because apparently there’s been some change to the rules/laws since I was first given an effective dose of the med, so I’m stuck on 2/3 of what actually helps me.) I might have to stop altogether because I can’t fucking afford an extra $200 a month.