TouchMacaque

I hope they made out and jacked eachother off in the closet, otherwise I don’t think the friendship will last.

If you use a damaged cable it cooks the bird with the power of electricity gifted to us by America’s favorite gay couple Thomas Tesla and Nikola Edison.

It’s my favourite way to cook a bird for my great grandma’s Nantucket bird dick casserole.

George Costanza’s Caribbean dog dick Bonanza is today. I heard it’s a blast if you’re a dog.

This is the receptionist at my doctor’s offices husband’s truck. He’s always trying to get me to play some videogame he developed called “monkey crunchers from dog cock Island”. I told him I’m not interested but he keeps following me around assuring me that the title has nothing to do with the game itself and that it’s actually a soccer game like FIFA but with crabs vs lobsters. I asked him why he chose that name for a crustacean soccer game and he became irate and threatened to reverse my vasectomy.

You’d be surprised at the shit people cry about. Free foreskin onions, hotdog and coconut salad, masonry paint on cars, dead children…etc.

My favorite way to make them cry is to stuff a cocktail onion in my foreskin before my neighbor’s great aunt goes down on me in the McDonald’s parking lot and then SURPRISE!

By following these easy steps:

1. Go to craft supply store and buy clay.

2. Press clay along a broomstick to make a mold.

3. Bake it.

4. Pour piss from bucket into mold

5. Freeze it

6. Remove frozen piss from mold

7. Have me sit on the fridge and use the frozen piss broomstick as a butt dildo

8. I get startled by flat earth disc and hop off fridge with frozen piss broomstick in my ass and get impaled.

9. Collect life insurance and donate to the flat earth society.

Fuck me with a bucket of pee, I had no idea the earth was so flat compared to other planets.

I’ve got a game called look at pornography and masturbate on public transit. I get in trouble whenever I play it though so I started just screaming at the top of my lungs every 77 seconds instead.

I once had such intense hallucinations while I was sleeping that I thought I was in a completely different place. It made absolutely no sense.

I met this cougar the other day who told me she keeps a handful of Roblox in her cock pocket to try and attract young men. I asked her if it works but she said they’re always too busy looking at their phones to go out to cougar bars.

Epstein used to inject mustard into his urethra and then jack off and call it mustard custard. He’d feed it to his guests, it was awful for the 7 years I was held captive there.

My dad used to dress up as Piccolo from dbz and beat me in my sleep with his custom made ocarina when I was 22 years old. It always pissed me off because he would call it his piccolo but it wasn’t a goddamn flute it was an ocarina. So when he died 4 years ago I dressed up as Piccolo at his funeral and beat his corpse with that same ocarina. Everyone gave me a standing ovation and clapped so hard a few attendees dislocated their wrists, one even degloved their hand. So when the paramedics came I told them my dad died.

The strait of Hormuz is a McDonald’s ice cream machine.

Fun fact: Jackie Chan’s parents named him that because his dad ran a porn website similar to 4chan called Jacky Chan in the 1950s before anyone even knew the Internet was possible. Truly a family ahead of the times. It’s a shame he went on to be a successful movie star.