I matched with a guy on a dating app, and we seemed to get along well from the chemistry and conversation down to humor. The first date was great and unlike others I’ve had, although I noticed he was very straightforward physically, kissing me several times. I’ve had to deal with guys with wrong intentions in the past so I was cautious and told him on our next date that I prefer to move more slowly after he was trying to cuddle a lot, smelling my hair, and kissing my neck - even though he stated that he is looking for a long-term relationship after getting to know people and seeing who is most compatible. He was strangely quiet and didn’t say much once I communicated that. Then he pulled back and seemed less interested when I asked if he was free to meet again, ghosted me for a few days, and then finally sent a transactional text saying he didn’t see long-term romantic potential and didn’t want to string me along. I felt so sad and confused at the sudden shift, and asked if we can have a call just to talk for a bit but he completely ghosted me again and removed his entire dating focus description (it was “Long-term relationship” at the time of our dates, previously “Long-term, open to short-term”, and was not publicly shared at all before that)
Should I follow up? There are some topics I thought may be good to clarify and address through a text message in case those were what turned him away or are areas he thought I could’ve done better. For example, he was patient with my response speed in our early conversations while I was especially busy and intermittent on the app. Also without being too specific, there was something he may have felt I should’ve done during our first date, but I saw it differently (relating to traditional chivalry), and maybe he feels like I should apologize for that. I really have no idea and feel like I didn’t get closure, but I also feel betrayed that he didn’t even think that I deserve one call. Is this a lost cause? What exactly happened, and was he ever intentional (he also had a few situationships recently)?
Any advice, help, or even just empathy would be appreciated!
By modern standards, you didn’t really get ghosted. That text was him calling it off. It sucks, but I’m afraid that’s about as good as you’re probably gonna get.
I’ve been in your shoes, wracked my brain trying to think about everything I might have done wrong and wishing they’d tell me exactly why they weren’t interested so I could try to fix it.
I’ve also been the guy in this situation, having figured out that I’m not interested in the person and struggling to put it into words. Maybe the vibe wasn’t right, maybe we had different expectations, maybe there’s nothing wrong with them physically but yet for some reason I’m just not attracted to them. I’m ashamed to admit I have just ghosted people because it’s easier than telling them the truth. Maybe the times I got ghosted in return was some sorta karma.
You shouldn’t blame yourself or assume anything is wrong. It sounds like this guy just had different expectations about some things, and that’s perfectly fine. You shouldn’t try to look for anything you need to change about yourself just to find a partner. Keep looking for someone who’s willing to accept you as you are.
Thank you so much! I was already wracking my brain trying to figure out what I did so wrong in such a short period of time to warrant this huge shift and wondering how someone can be so careless with their actions. I have been clear from the start about my intentions, spelling it out on my profile, and guys just seem to want to challenge me for some thrill that they’re not going to get. I really hope it’s not just boys left out there but so far it’s been slim pickings.
Because men have been given the “a man’s going to be a man” pass for far too long. We live what we learn, and it’s up to us to teach our children better.
If you’ve learned better and are doing better, there’s no need for shame. Sharing this will make a difference for those who have any sort of decency seed on the matter, and help women learn to choose themselves, rather than work to be chosen. Thank you. I hope you share it more.