I matched with a guy on a dating app, and we seemed to get along well from the chemistry and conversation down to humor. The first date was great and unlike others I’ve had, although I noticed he was very straightforward physically, kissing me several times. I’ve had to deal with guys with wrong intentions in the past so I was cautious and told him on our next date that I prefer to move more slowly after he was trying to cuddle a lot, smelling my hair, and kissing my neck - even though he stated that he is looking for a long-term relationship after getting to know people and seeing who is most compatible. He was strangely quiet and didn’t say much once I communicated that. Then he pulled back and seemed less interested when I asked if he was free to meet again, ghosted me for a few days, and then finally sent a transactional text saying he didn’t see long-term romantic potential and didn’t want to string me along. I felt so sad and confused at the sudden shift, and asked if we can have a call just to talk for a bit but he completely ghosted me again and removed his entire dating focus description (it was “Long-term relationship” at the time of our dates, previously “Long-term, open to short-term”, and was not publicly shared at all before that)
Should I follow up? There are some topics I thought may be good to clarify and address through a text message in case those were what turned him away or are areas he thought I could’ve done better. For example, he was patient with my response speed in our early conversations while I was especially busy and intermittent on the app. Also without being too specific, there was something he may have felt I should’ve done during our first date, but I saw it differently (relating to traditional chivalry), and maybe he feels like I should apologize for that. I really have no idea and feel like I didn’t get closure, but I also feel betrayed that he didn’t even think that I deserve one call. Is this a lost cause? What exactly happened, and was he ever intentional (he also had a few situationships recently)?
Any advice, help, or even just empathy would be appreciated!
Thank you for sharing! I think you’re totally right but I’m just baffled at the lengths to which he went in stringing me along for this waste of time. He would pull out all the stops during our date, sweet little gestures that felt thoughtful. He even started by saying he’s looking for a long-term relationship after getting know people and seeing who’s most compatible, and he seemed completely genuine. When he casually dropped the line about a few situationships on our very first interaction, no wonder my gut took a turn.
We can only speculate based on your description and you already had a big tendency towards the “getting laid” explanation. Maybe he really didnt feel it as much as you thought he did. Maybe he was horny on the first date. Maybe he was looking for long-term but saw you as “short-term material” (whatever that means exactly, Im not in the dating game) and when you closed that door he backed up.
For a lot of (immature) guys, dating is a game with roles to play, in order to get laid. One thing that some guys do is pretend to want a serious relationship to draw in women willing to commit on the first or second date.
It’s a terrible thing to do, but some guys will go to any lengths to convince a lady to go to bed with them. Finding decent men in the sea of childish boys can be a challenge, but playing it slow and respectful will help to separate the two. A real man will respect your requests and autonomy, not challenge them or give passive-aggressive responses.
The fact that he tuned out as soon as you told him to take it easy speaks volumes about the kind of guy he is. He’s definitely looking for a quick lay and when that was off the table, he lost interest. You should consider it a good thing that he decided to call it off. He’s not wasting any more of your time with incompatible goals in mind.
Gestures on a first date mean basically nothing. Everyone is presenting a “very best” version of themselves. It’s easy to do for an evening.
And he could not seem to even contain himself on the 1st date. Huge red flag IMO.
Incredibly disgusting and cheap behavior if not with genuine intentions over longer term, when that is literally what they said out loud. I was sad and now I’m more so angry. What if all these single guys around my age (I would say I’m older than the age of settling down as expected by society) are just in it for casual? Or the ones that are genuine, I don’t find attractive for xyz reason? That is terrifying.
As a guy, we can be real jerks.
My guess is that he probably wants more short term casual relationships but also knows that most women want long term (and those who want short term have no end of possible suppliers.) So, if he wants to sleep around, he probably has to claim he that ultimately he is looking for a long term relationship. (Would you have gone on a date if his profile just said casual?)
I’m also striding through middle age and sorry to say, in a lot of senses, dating doesn’t get easier. Honestly, I think a lot of people have coupled up and a higher proportion who haven’t, haven’t for a reason.
There’s also an interesting phenomenon I’ve seen in early middle age where guys who seem dependable etc couple up with women who would seem “out of their league” as priorities shift to starting a family etc. Of course, the flip side is this also removes a lot of the nice but kind of unremarkable guys from the dating pool.
All that being said, I’d say there is still hope! The big advantage of dating later on in life is that you know who you are, what you want and hopefully, you’re not afraid to ask/demand it! Meeting people in person, whether community groups, sports, hobbies, volunteering or anything else is tricky but deeply rewarding. The other folks around our age who also don’t have families and kids are often pretty friendly and happy to make new friends as our old friends get busier with their new families etc.
Good luck out there!
What’s funny is that this is so not a male/female split. I wanted casual between my long term guys, was thinking to just keep it that way, but then decided to date more seriously and was shocked at the response from these guys I only wanted casually - apparently what they wanted was to date seriously but I didn’t see them that way? It seemed like guys were settling for casual hookups because that’s what they could get, or what they were expected to want?
I didn’t want to date any of them like that! But felt kind of shitty that I hadn’t picked up on it, at all. There was zero awareness on my side that these guys were wishing for anything other than the casual hookups.
When a narcissistic (or other personality disorder) person has disposed of us, it’s normal to feel totally disorientated. I’m assuming too much here, but I’ve seen this pattern often so since you sound surprised I’ll just elaborate a little.
Unfortunately there are many men out there who only really experience feelings around their base desires: eating, drinking, sex, etc. They want to be satiated, but because they lack empathy they can’t engage normally with people. So they calculate in advance how to maximise charm and speed up results. They’ve gotten good at this from spending a lot of time observing people and wondering why they’re not like them. Usually from an early age.
Once they’ve gotten what they want, it’s like having just had a large meal. They cannot face us anymore, and faking interest even becomes harder. When the appetite builds up again they either return or find their next source of supply.
It’s usually best to find someone new who sees them as new and interesting. That feels really good, and nobody who has known them a bit longer can really provide them with that bedazzled reaction that the narcissist craves.
They look like normal people, work, make small talk etc, to blend in well when they have to but they’re not like us.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. I know the feeling.