- Most outrageous / unbelievable lies
- Most offensive / dangerous lies
- Most “adult meant it as genuine advice but it’s laughably out of touch” lies
- Lies you wish you still believed
- Lies you took as truth and didn’t question it until you were way too old
“We love you”.
My father REALLY enjoyed physically and emotionally us (myself and two younger siblings). The best part being that my sister was already quite messed up from her pre adoption life since she was found starving, dying of exposure and having signs of horrendous physical abuse. “Get the shoe” was my favorite game… if either of us made the mistake of a shoe that wasn’t hard enough to bruise badly, things would go much worse for us.
My mother was a cold narcissist. Well regarded biochemist who didn’t believe in western medicine and was convinced she was a psychic healer. So instead of surgery for a severe TBI at 7 with a significant swelling AND a few rounds of seizures, I was given spinach smoothies and good vibes. My head still hurts. She also had to top me on ANY success, so that helped.
She had a massive stroke in 2022 probably due to knowing better than doctors how to deal with both high blood pressure and VERY high cholesterol. Then died late last year from the flu, most likely refusing to get vaccinated as you do when you’re already in a compromised state.
I shrugged.
My father is in very poor shape, also partly due to her being in charge of his health care after two devastating tropical diseases (yellow fever then dengue), both followed by walking pneumonia. Then later two “stroke like events” that both require hospitalization.
I expect another shrug coming soon.
I don’t think I’m a monster. But having let go of my hatred for these two “parents” left me with nothing but apathy for them.
I know a lot of kids who came from abuse, maybe as bad as you’ve dealt with. You’re not a monster. It’s not your job to create a relationship with your parents, or even want one, it’s theirs. So many millennials, not just Americans, felt they should have kids, full stop. No plan, no idea, no help. When they figure out quickly this isn’t for them, it’s too late to turn back. They can give up the child and the way people see them, or try to keep up the farce. To some, being seen a certain way is more threatening than some kid not liking them. So they just play parents, and usually make the kids upbringing the kids fault or their families. I spent a lot of weekends at my Grandparents house, hiding from the things my parents wanted me to do. Instead doing the things I wanted to do. I’m glad I was allowed that space as a kid because I don’t know how messed up i would be without it. What’s crazier is they claim to have 100% raised me, as though 99% of the things I do came from them, not my grandparents. People get very silly when they aren’t honest with themselves. I hope more people know being honest about yourself doesn’t mean you have to change, but you can’t be afraid to see yourself as you know yourself. If you suddenly become a parent and you’re not ready, you’re fucking up your life and the kids by pretending you can when you can’t. Usually these people have strong enablers too, not unusual in people who struggle in general. Those enablers might be useful for getting a job, or trying something new, but not being a parent. You probably know this already, just wanted to commiserate for a moment.
Sadly my grandparents were either far away (father’s parents, both a handful of nonsense) or dead (mother’s mother died when I was 6, father when my mother was 8).
They are/were silent generation, but born just before the baby boom. So despite both growing up in pretty bad poverty, they lived in a time of prosperity that is hard to comprehend now. Probably why they could afford to adopt a foreign born child in the early 70s, along with many other fiscal excesses.
I’m happy with my family of choice. Wife of 37 years, wonderful granddaughter who got married this past weekend and some truly odd choices like my wife’s ex-husband’s estranged second wife who we sort of adopted into close family.
Also, it was my aunt (mother’s best friend from childhood) who raised me. She lived with us from the time my mother’s mother was dying until I left for college. I’m still very close with her and dread her loss as I see health issues mounting.
It’s strange how you’ll go your entire life with no love for your parents, but you’ll see the love just went somewhere else. It’s sad we only notice when it’s gone or leaving us though.