Nostalgia isn’t only a hell of a drug, but it’s a hell of an addiction too. Chasing times when you last felt good or when you felt things were right. Getting in touch with old flames that you forgot that there were reasons you moved on from, until you read the painful endings as to why those connections died.
Having those rose-tinted shades aren’t always good for you.
As a white man, even when I’ve got it rough, my life is 20 times easier than if I was anything else. Women can’t even walk down the street without at least the thought a man they walk by might suddenly rape them. A black man can’t walk down the street without worrying about a cop deciding it’s their day to die. Meanwhile, I can walk down the street and not worry about a damn thing other than my heart rate.
It pains me daily that I can’t fix it. It pains me more that men that look just like me have done those awful things and will do those awful things and I’m looked down on by everyone that isn’t a straight white man because of it. And I’m still better off than the vast majority of folks, even though I have trouble paying rent most months.
So, the life lesson I’ve learned? Don’t leave the apartment. Seems to work pretty well for me.
Real heart wrenching moment realizing women fearing being murdered on their walk home is a euphemism for being raped. They’d rather describe being stabbed and mugged.
The assertion that women can’t even walk down the street without thinking that a man they pass might suddenly rape them is an extraordinary generalisation. Of course, women have legitimate reasons to be conscious of their personal safety, and sexual violence is a serious problem. But there’s a difference between acknowledging that reality and suggesting that women live in a constant state of fear whenever they leave the house. You’re presenting an extreme scenario as though it’s the universal female experience.
And the suggestion that your life is 20 times easier simply because you’re a straight white man is equally hyperbolic. Privilege isn’t a mathematical equation, and disadvantage isn’t experienced exclusively by women or ethnic minorities. Male suicide rates, loneliness, social isolation and the difficulties many men face in forming meaningful relationships are serious issues too. Men can experience profound disadvantage, vulnerability and suffering. Those things don’t disappear because they happen to be white.
None of this is to deny that women experience sexual violence, that racism exists, or that certain groups face systemic disadvantages. They do, and acknowledging those realities matters. But recognising one group’s difficulties shouldn’t require exaggerating them, diminishing another group’s struggles, or engaging in a competition over who has the hardest existence.
I also find the self-flagellation rather tiresome. You aren’t personally responsible for every terrible thing committed by another man who happens to share your skin colour. You don’t need to feel guilty for existing, nor do you need to apologise for advantages you didn’t consciously create. What you can do is recognise them, avoid dismissing other people’s experiences, and treat people as individuals.
And perhaps most importantly, stop confusing having privilege in certain respects with having an easy life. Struggling to pay your rent is a genuine hardship. Male loneliness and mental health are genuine problems. You can acknowledge those things while still recognising that other people face obstacles you don’t.
The answer isn’t to stay in your apartment. It’s to stop treating social inequality as either a reason for personal guilt or a competition in comparative misery.
Being aware of it is the first step to actually helping a little bit. e.g. I’ll cross to the other side of the street if I am walking past a woman at night, but even just not being a total arsehole puts you in the top 50% of the male population.