Right now, I am honest-to-God trying to get better. I know there’s something wrong with my brain and I’m trying to fix that. I try to be as supportive as I can to LGBTQ+ people and I don’t mind if they outright say “I’m gay/bi/whatever” or “I have a [partner/spouse of the same gender]” but something about having to hear about romantic or sexual stuff with two women really doesn’t sit right with me, especially with “yuri” or having lesbian relationships portrayed on TV. However, “yaoi” and gay relationships on TV I find awesome and cute, I’d say. Men, I find attractive, though, so that could be why. If a guy talks about his romantic or sexual encounters with another guy, I don’t mind at all.
While trying to convince myself I was bi or pan, I would hang out with a lot of straight women, crush on only guys, and even hang out with homophobic women.
In high school, my best friend was a homophobic and transphobic girl who relentlessly bullied one of my bully victims: a trans man. I tried to convince the guy it was his fault he got bullied, but I have matured and see the best “friend” was just an asshole.
Please, no judging, I am only curious.
Just hopping in to say, first of all:
as a queer person, i’m genuinely super proud of you for realising this, and improving. you’re awesome 💕
the way i see it, you don’t need to embrace or approve of what others do - but letting them and treating them like ‘vanilla cishet’* people would get treated (ie. with respect), goes a long way. When you’re in a sauna and there are gay people, ask yourself: would I comment on a straight couple being together?
everyone has their own preferences. it’s normal to have the things you like and dislike; though it’s not normal to mistreat others for it. in that sense, your ick for lesbian stuff (but liking other stuff) is fine, to the extent that you don’t harm or hate on others for having their preferences. so imho, that part isn’t homophobic.
whether or not you were a homo-/transphobe is not for me to decide. i think the bullying counts, though; but no need to beat yourself up over what happened; the past is the past, you’re working on a great future.
Apologising in earnest to the victim, if they’re open to it, can help. he doesn’t need to accept it (nor do you), but to you both, it’d be a weight off your shoulders. Closure helps a lot in dealing with that shit.
I don’t think one needs to overworry or overthink it – it’s valid to be concerned; but at the end of day, we’re all people, and you’re welcome too.
* only saying this because in my view, the ‘vanilla cishet’ person doesn’t exist, just as the full-of-fetishes/kinks queer person doesn’t exist. It’s a spectrum which is best seen as, “Who cares, but support for anything that’s mutual between consenting people of mature age, and support for whatever makes their life easier”.