Tbh i never completely fell into it. I was fully primed to become a huge piece of shit, but just…didn’t?

Basically i was bullied and girls hated me and found me ugly between the ages of 13-19 and i stopped going to school for years. So i was a bullied incel that had no one to hang out with and nothing but internet access with which i went unto 4chan and various other meme sites that posted racist, misogynistic and otherwise bigoted things, but i never engaged with writing comments or posting my own “content” and mostly just chuckled at some of the memes.

And eventually i stopped going to those pages because i didn’t feel like these were my people either. I just went “there are too many women reporting the same thing. They can’t possibly be this organized across multiple continents to lie about the same shit that men do against them. These men are over exaggerating” and “my opinions on women are to be considered wrong by myself until checked again”

And that “men are over exaggerating” slowly turned into “just believe women and stfu” after i checked my opinions again.

I did however also turn the “they can’t be this organised” towards the men as well because “they can’t be this organized to be this shitty towards women” so i never went into white savior radlib feminist mode either because i also didn’t vibe with the reddit radfems as i always saw the men lashing out in a sad pathetic way rather than a hateful way like they viewed it (if y’all get what i mean. I am autistic and feelings and describing them doesn’t come easily to me)

This allowed me to still view the men as shitty, but also have empathy towards them (and myself) because “there had to be more to it” so i was never on the hate train against my own gender either.

Eventually i found communism for myself. My education never really mentioned communism and besides just a general rejection of communism “in the air” there was not much that indoctrinated me against it. I basically immediately laid down all my liberal opinions or considered them “wrong until further notice” just like i did with my feminist opinions. And the thought of “these men can’t all just be born hateful, there has to be more to it” turned into “there is more to it, it is called materialism and it shapes the thought of the people” and then just accepted that the radfems might be wrong, but that it was because of the liberalism and not the feminism part.

Funnily enough, this also makes it hard for me to fully buy into materialism because how the fuck did i escape it but all these other men didn’t? I was prime incel material! And now too, how the fuck did i go through this journey at that young of an age and was easily able to figure out that “there has to be more to it”? Is it just the lack of anti-communist indoctrination? There was plenty of pro-lib propaganda, but not that much of the anti-communist variety.

It is hard for me to have gone through this journey of being prime incel material, through laying down liberal opinions a couple years later towards steeling myself with marxism-leninism at that age and then see that my current peers still have to go through that journey.

My 15 year old incel gooner brained self had it more figured out than my inteligent and empathetic peers a decade later? Hard to buy, not gonna lie.

Even at age 13 i remember telling my mom that i didn’t want to work my entire life and lose 8-10 hours of every day and that everyone is stupid for following along with it. I even said that it was unsustainable and eventually something will break lmao. That is actually exactly the point i stopped going to school and went unto my years of the great isolation.

So in the end i still don’t really know how i did it besides just doing it. Would love y’all thoughts on this tbh