I’m so tired of it all that I am having trouble even caring anymore, and I’m simply disheartened by every corner of the globe and with every type of people. If the few states like China who have the capacity to challenge it are so self-centered and worried about their own lineage that they allow vast populations of people to become either subjugated or eradicated without even attempting to step in, then I have no hope that our species will survive when analyzing the rest of it. It’s clear that nobody with means is really willing to do anything serious about it and at this point I feel like we’re all just watching the final consumption of the world by capitalism and people really don’t care.
Frankly I don’t think any of us will make it. Only the people the furthest under the boot really have the will, yet since they have zero means, nothing can change. People don’t really care about defeating capitalism or white supremacy, and most refuse to overlook cultural differences to collectivize strongly enough to make an impact. Further, the environment will wipe us out long before capitalism is dismantled anyway, so for all intents and purposes, it seems like it’s already over. The curse of short human lifespans means that most don’t care since they feel the inevitability of it all given the time they have, and by the time the average person even becomes conscious enough of their condition to feel the hunger for change, their biological limitations make it feel pointless. Since most see this life as the only chance they have, why throw it away on making ripples into an ocean? May as well let someone else do that and enjoy what tiny corner you’ve carved while you can, and let it burn.
This is the most difficult realization / feeling I’ve ever had, far more than any structural or systemic elucidation in my political and ideological growth. Maybe it’s just that I’m a pessimist and feel miserable today and about what’s happening to Venezuela and Cuba and Palestine and Congo and Sudan and etc. etc. But I can’t shake the feeling that this is all pointless and going nowhere. Trying to stay positive seems sisyphean. The human condition and psychological barriers seem too strong and too embedded, and I fear that no awakening is enough to really push us over the edge of real change or challenge. And the environmental catastrophe is inevitable, since capitalism spurs it.
I just can’t see a way forward and I don’t know what that makes me anymore. Maybe nothing.
glad you feel better writing it out! i feel like journaling is definitely a useful and viable method of emotional processing, it’s something that i use from time to time
i think the challenge there is to simultaneously accept that a) your ability to take a break is derived from a place of privilege, but also that b) your need to take a break is in a sense derived from that same privilege: you would be more resolved, disciplined, and “numbed” without that privilege. for those of us in the global north it’s a matter of gaining those skills that are necessary for revolutionary movement, that those without privilege are forced to gain because of their lack thereof. but, sometimes it’s too much all at once and we need to take breaks; i don’t think there’s any shame in reacting honestly to your needs. in the same way that china must look out for itself first and foremost, we must individually look out for ourselves and our health so that we can organize and build socialism.
i think it also helps me to try and see the forest for the trees in situations like this. liberalism encourages us to see one setback as necessarily indicating the certainty of future setbacks, or to approach things one-dimensionally. but in real-life developments and transitions there are always small-scale oscillations, zig-zags, and the like. and, the more setbacks that occur, the more likely progress is to be made for a variety of reasons.
in any case, not to invalidate your feelings but i don’t think you need to feel guilt or shame for addressing your needs, whatever they are and however you see fit to address them. in my personal experience guilt due to privilege is a dangerous feeling because you can then feel guilty for having the privilege to feel guilty in the first place, leading to a negative spiral downwards that results in inaction and other negative consequences. to me that’s more indicative of liberalism than taking a break to address your needs is.