I’ve had a bit of a rough go with it in terms of being raised in a bad environment, not properly socialised properly early in life, and to top it off my partner of 7 years just ended things because of some pretty nasty issues between us that I felt were perfectly fixable.
Everything as it is, I’ve started having issues with feelings of being disposable. Like I don’t matter, like I’m nothing and I can’t expect people to stick around, like they’re waiting for a reason to abandon me.
On a logical level that doesn’t hold much water, but at this point I’m starting to wonder how to fight these feelings if they come from very factual places. How can I justify the thought that I inheritly have worth, if the reality of the situation is that I keep being treated like garbage.
I’m doing all the right stuff, seeing a psych, prioritising recover, actually have a pretty decent inner voice going, but the feelings are still really strong and it’s hard to fight them. I’m not really sure how to handle this.
I think you are correct to identify it as a contradiction, and shouldn’t fight your feelings. For lots of people absence of durable connections inherently just hurts you and you can’t change that by pretending like it doesn’t. How you are treated is experienced as an opinion, and in a real sense it is one. Something that helps to cope with it though is realizing that the opinions about you that society expresses by being such an environment are disingenuous and deluded. So much about the way people think about and treat each other is wrong, both factually and in terms of whether it makes for a good way to live, but even if you can’t ignore it you can object to it through the way you treat yourself and others.