Many assume an unsatisfied husband is simply demanding or abusive, but the reality is far more nuanced. For instance, the Mayo Clinic reports that 40% of women experience dyspareunia (painful intercourse), yet many don’t realize it’s a treatable medical condition. Or they take long to realize. My wife’s physiotherapist had a 60-years old patient. Additionally, libido naturally varies between individuals, meaning couples with mismatched desires must both adapt.
These physical factors are often compounded by psychological barriers, such as sexually repressive upbringings and stigma surrounding therapy. When a woman is unaware that her condition is treatable, she may deflect blame rather than seek help. Framing sexual difficulties as solely a husband’s fault only reinforces this resistance. Blame narratives prevent women from accessing the care they need.
Generalization sucks.
Kinda rage bait. I’m a newish mom and verbalize when struggling. If he’s doesn’t know how to help, I direct him. I had to get comfortable with the fact that he would help in his own way and to not steamroll him as a parent just because I’m mom. But I ask if I need something; he’s not a mind reader or an asshole, he’s my partner.
I hope it gets better for anyone struggling like this. It’s tough.
I have great respect for the task of being a parent in our time. Not just the social pressure and the workload is immense, figuring out how to share it is a hard task on it’s own. It’s great, that it seems to work for you.
I’m just always a little irritated, when people talk about men “helping out” in care work, as if it is not their main task, as if it is extra applaudable when it’s men that do the same exact thing. I might read way to much into this choice of words, so feel free to ignore, but would you call what you do as a parent “helping with parenting”? Whenever workers share an equal workload e.g. on a construction site, one wouldn’t usually say about the other:“they helped out”, they would say:“they did their part, same as I did, same es everyone else”. Directing people, keeping everything in mind and telling them when something needs to be done is a lot of work too, a kind that’s easily ignored.
I guess if one person has to do a lot more wage labor than the other to fill a shared account, than that’s a piece of their part of the work too and that might mean less care work. In the end whatever setup works for everyone involved is fine, as long as it is consensual and meets everyones needs as much as possible.
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Help isn’t just used in the context of a person doing something and another person with a secondary contribution. It’s also the word used for two people working together on a common goal.
We’re helping eachother out.
You made a nice meal. Oh yes, but Steve and Joe were helping me cook. That doesn’t mean one was the cook, it means 3 people cooked to make a meal.
OP even says “when he doesn’t know how to help” implying all his chores are done and he still has energy so he gets advice on the next chore from his partner. Maybe it’s a chore his partner usually does, or maybe it’s a chore he didn’t notice needed to get done that she noticed. If she finishes her chores and has energy left she can ask for the same thing.
God you just want to see men as useless and women as heroes when we’re all just people in this world trying to make the best of things.
You articulated it perfectly. Partnership is collaborative. Our mindset is that we’re on the same team. We help each other to keep harmony so neither is overburdened. I’ll pass on that motherhood martyrdom bs, no thanks. This is a marathon, not a sprint. I value my partnership.
I appreciate your comment @Hacksaw@lemmy.ca
Mmm I love me some communication ❤️
Going to the comments section. 😎🍿
This generalization can fuck off in a number of different ways.
As a father I’m seeing all these other fathers and just think damn glad i’m not their wife.
You say that based on what? Do you know these couples’ reality? See my other post: https://lemmy.eco.br/post/22554051/20529801
Based on lots of things that i dont care to argue about. I don’t know if you actually believe that gender equality has been achieved wrt domestic labor but it hasn’t. A lot of dads view stuff like cooking, cleaning and changing diapers as the moms job still.
I never said gender equality has been achieved. You are pontificating about people you never met, based on prejudice. What is your data? Mayo Clinic says 40% of women experience dyspareunia (painful intercourse), yet many don’t realize it’s a treatable medical condition. Or they take long to realize. My wife’s physiotherapist had a 60-years-old patient. Additionally, libido naturally varies between individuals, meaning couples with mismatched desires must both adapt.
These physical factors are often compounded by psychological barriers, such as sexually repressive upbringings and stigma surrounding therapy. When a woman is unaware that her condition is treatable, she may deflect blame rather than seek help. Pontificating that sexual difficulties are always the husband’s fault only reinforces this resistance. Blame narratives prevent women from accessing the care they need.
Generalization sucks.
This post is explicitly talking about fathers who never change diapers or help at all with the babies. Does that apply to you?
I think nowadays I do a similar amount of work as she. Some tasks she does more, others I do more. And we both have help.
Anyway, our sex problems are as old as our marriage, many years before pregnancy.
Regarding your other comment about not having a right to sex: marriage comes with an implicit spectation of sex. If someone despises sex, they need to make it clear before marriage.
I am not talking about one side being a dick and still demanding sex. I am talking about a person with clear health problems refusing treatment because therapy is for the weak and therefore she has no problem.
I am not saying she is evil, I am saying prejudiced caricatures cause troubled people to refuse therapy.
Maybe I wrote in a confusing way, but she is a much happier person now after therapy! The fights and headaches are gone. Previously, twice or thrice a week she had such violent headaches that induced small visual hallucinations, but she refused treatment because “it is normal, I was born this way”.
My friends and I do make this generalization a bit, but mostly at older men, boomer age. We all know a number of men who will proudly claim they never changed a diaper.
My mother in law and grandmother in law were in amazement at the level of participation I had with my kids. They commented on it a number of times (jokingly telling my wife to lock me down with sex) when they’d see me do almost anything for my own kids.
I don’t know any new fathers though
I mean there are communal events hosted for babies / pre-kindergarden toddlers and it’s almost always, exclusively women. A lot of it is because the men go to work (so sexism) and I hear the women talk about their men. It’s shameful really. I also go to a dads only gathering and lets just say the vibe is completely different for the group games.
Don’t generalize. Sexual health professionals will tell you that libido varies among people. When a couple has great disparity, both sides must change and the essential first step for healing is accepting reality. Telling the woman the problem is exclusively men’s fault is a recipe for suffering. I speak from experience.
I had sex maybe once a month; sometimes I it took nearly three months. And it was always the same boring routine. She made clear she didn’t want sex, sometimes even making bad faces, looking away and complaining “Just finish it!”. I had frequent nocturnal emission like a teenager. Sometimes I lost control and resorted to pornography and masturbation, causing guilt of adultery.
After more than 7 years, I finally had a tough conversation with my wife. She was initially receptive but then quickly retreated into denial. She concocted five crazy justifications. One of them was that couples with a child can no longer have sex. I said: “then how come so many couples have a second child?” She said they are all bad parents, because they neglected the first child to make the second.
Eventually I showed her my therapy notes. Just a few months after we married (many years before the child), the sexless marriage was a recurrent therapy theme. One day she finally accepted seeing a gynecologist. Some months later she started physiotherapy, but still strongly refused psychotherapy that is for weak people, even though both me and our child have psychotherapy. Also “it is wrong for a couple to like sex”. She would also berate and offend me for trivial or imaginary reasons. Twice or thrice a week she had brutal headaches that induced small visual hallucinations. The neurologist said it was emotional, but the claimed it was normal.
Only very recently she finally accepted psychotherapy. She is improving. The brutal headaches are gone. The fights too. She is a much happier person, but I am still a bit resentful and depressed, (EDIT) and a contributing factor is that after more than a decade of marriage I still can’t have passable sex.
EDIT: My point is that telling a mentally ill person that everything is automatically other people’s fault is as bad as telling a person with Schizophrenia that the evil therapists want to keep the Angels (voices) away.
Why the downvotes?
I can’t speak for her in general and I’m not gonna, but some of what you said sounds like purity culture to me. Either way I don’t believe we’re entitled to our spouse’s bodies or to sex. Masturbation is healthy.
Masturbation is healthy.
Masturbation is inferior in every respect. Is has zero affection, it is less pleasing, less fun, less everything.
Either way I don’t believe we’re entitled to our spouse’s bodies or to sex.
OK, but do not dogmatize it. Don’t rigidly judge the particular circumstance of couples you never met. A couple gets married, both have issues, and both suffer. One consequence is that they have almost no sex, which is terrible to one with libido. Then people pontificate: the side with libido should just live their entire life without sex. And the part who lacks libido should continue to have brutal headaches twice or thrice a week, as she believes “therapy is for the weak”. In no event can the husband demand she have therapy. Dogma is everything, material reality is nothing.
It is analogous to conservative priests. Someone tells him: lifelong marriage is beautiful, but what about women who are physically abused by their husband? The priest pontificates: she must take the children to her parent’s house, then raise them without a father, and she must live without a husband for her entire life. In no event can we tolerate she have a second union, because dogma is dogma.
Masturbation is inferior in every respect. Is has zero affection, it is less pleasing, less fun, less everything.
It’s less coercive than expecting sex from another person who clearly doesn’t want to have sex. If the main issue with your frustration is physical then this is the most straightforward solution. If it’s more psychological then there’s other things you can do to not put so much weight on that. For example most men seem to get taught that not fucking makes them losers and that’s just untrue, unlearning harmful conditioning is good for all parties.
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I agree with orc girly. I also think your wife does have some very week reasoning from what you have said, but I don’t think that partners should be entitled to sex. I think you probably have some issues of your own if your blaming your depression on your wife not wanting to have sex with you.
I wrote in a haste. My depression is preexisting, but relationship problems are a contributing factor. I have then edited the original comment.
Maybe you should try being a partner instead of a “boss.”
You say that based on what? For seven years I politely asked her to have more healthy frequency, to have reasonable variation, for her to see a gynecologist about her physical problems, and to have psychotherapy for her brutal headaches as neurologist had prescribed. The psychotherapy would also benefit our marriage. I long had therapy myself and made an effort to be a good husband. After seven years I finally told her in tougher terms that our marriage was not good. The therapy has already made good benefit. The brutal headaches are gone. The fights too.
My whole point is that prejudiced people pontificate about the reality of couples they never met and know nothing about.
I was talking about the meme. I didn’t know what you were on about. My apologies.
OK, thank you for reading more carefully! I am a bit emotional too.
I understand. Thank you for your generosity.
Dude, great username. That’s all I came to say.
