Ok so what is the most obvious, unhide-able , agonizing, and debilitating disease he can get from this?
Because I hope he gets 330 million cases of it.
Necrotizing fasciitis
ChatGPT prompts:
- Make a hilarious absurd parody religion in which this story about RFK Jr is a pivotal historic event. https://arstechnica.com/health/2025/05/germ-theory-skeptic-rfk-jr-goes-swimming-in-sewage-tainted-water/
- Make it 1000000 times more crazy
- Make it 1000000 times more funny with a bunch of minor additions
- Yes
Responses 3 and 4:
Absolutely. Prepare for full transcendence into chaos. Behold the most divine, unholy, stomach-churning scripture of absurdity ever scribed:
🌋 The Turbo-Anointed Order of the Divine Sludge™
“He who sniffs the swamp, sees eternity.”
🌊 THE FOUNDING SPLASH: RFK Jr. and the Day of the Dank Baptism
In the Unflushable Year of 2025, the High Prophet Robert “Poo Jesus” F. Kennedy Jr. yeeted his sanctified meat vessel into the most septic of creeks, ignoring every EPA warning sign, park ranger, and common sense.
At the exact moment his holy buttocks touched the sewage-tainted Rock Creek waters, a plague of glowing frogs started beatboxing. All Wi-Fi signals in a 2-mile radius were replaced by whale noises. A nearby squirrel achieved spontaneous enlightenment and legally changed its name to “Chad, Lord of the Involuntary Cringe.”
This moment became canonized as:
✨ “The Blessed Splash That Sharted the Veil”
📕 SACRED TEXTS OF THE SLUDGE
- The Flatulopocrypha: Lost gospels discovered in a Waffle House urinal cake.
- The Brown Testament: A scratch-n-sniff scroll made entirely from used paper straws and Taco Bell napkins.
- The Holy Book of Moist: Written in a font that only raccoons under a full moon can interpret.
🧻 THE 8 HOLY TRUTHS (a.k.a. The Dampmandments)
- Thou shalt bathe only in liquids whose source is legally questionable.
- Germs are just introverted healing gnomes.
- Hand sanitizer is the Devil’s potion — it kills the sacred microbiota angels!
- If you fart during prayer, it is a sign your soul is being exfoliated.
- Water with visible particles = extra spiritual protein.
- Vaccines are secret GPS implants from Big Pigeon.
- Coffee enemas are a direct hotline to the Gutverse™.
- The true path to salvation lies in licking expired fruit roll-ups found beneath gas station vending machines.
💩 THE PANTHEON OF SAINTS
-
Saint Gassy the Inflamed Patron of intestinal enlightenment and microwave burritos left out for 72 hours.
-
Saint Norovirus of the Shaky Knees She who sees through diarrhea.
-
Brother Flatulo the Moist Martyr of the Sneeze-Pee Awakening.
-
The Divine Possum Greg Eternally sleeps beneath a Taco Bell dumpster. He will rise when the Creek boils.
⛲️ RITUALS OF THE SWIRLING FAITH
-
🏊♂️ The Baptism of Bubbling Faith™ A group cannonball into a sewage pond while screaming, “PROBIOTICS TAKE THE WHEEL!”
-
🎭 The Weekly Worship Fart-Off Followers gather in a plastic bounce house and attempt to spell sacred words through strategic emissions. Judges are blindfolded.
-
🤲 The Anointing of the Damp Napkin Each convert receives a moist, used Wendy’s napkin, whispered over by a raccoon, and blessed with the holy scent of expired nacho cheese.
-
🔥 The Rite of the Flaming Bidet A ceremonial cleansing using precisely 800 Scoville units of fermented Sriracha enemas, as prophesied by Saint Shartina.
🏰 HOLY STRUCTURES
-
The Temple of Bubonic Bliss™ Built entirely from composted lint, Q-tips, and haunted plywood.
-
The Shrine of the Blessed Drain Clog Said to be formed naturally from the bathwater of the High Prophet after Taco Tuesday.
-
The Stagnant Lagoon of Pilgrimage™ Must be crossed via inflatable pool floaties shaped like various meats.
👑 LEADERSHIP HIERARCHY (based on gastrointestinal fortitude)
- Supreme Warden of the Wet Fart
- Reverend Diarrhectus the Damp
- High Oracle of the Inflamed Colon
- Archdeacon of the Clammy Flush
- The Intern of Sludge (official unpaid social media raccoon)
📺 DIVINE MEDIA
-
Streaming service: Gutflix Featuring hits like “Breaking Wind,” “Touched by a Tapeworm,” and “Keeping Up with the Coprophiliacs.”
-
Children’s Education Series: Blues Clues & Botulism Teaching kids the divine importance of licking rusty pipes.
🪦 AFTERLIFE DOCTRINE
Followers who achieve “Full Gastro-Spiritual Sync” are reborn as benevolent mold colonies living under fraternity couch cushions. The greatest saints become:
- Vaporized into probiotic mist
- Reincarnated as kombucha barnacles
- Or ascend to “The Great Bidet Beyond”
🙏 OFFICIAL BLESSING
May your bowels forever churn clockwise, May your fluids ferment with flair, May raccoons always nod in your direction, And may your next Taco Bell run… …be sacred.
🦠 In Sludge We Trust™.
Would you like me to generate a recruitment poster featuring RFK Jr. water-skiing on diarrhea while holding a raccoon-shaped incense burner and shouting scripture from a megaphone shaped like a probiotic capsule?
This image generation request did not follow our content policy.
Copying and pasting everything Chat GPT output was a choice. Perhaps not the cleverest one but it’s still a choice.
I wonder why he says we should fortify our immune system if he doesn’t think germs cause diseases? Like, what is the immune system doing making cells that can eat bacteria?
O… Ok! The situation in taking care of itself.
Our best chance is that he gets one of these diseases that is effectively treatable with a vaccine.
Thing is, even with that, he’d just take the vaccine and proceed to lie about it for profit. His father must be turning over in his grave.
Vaccines are for prevention, they don’t work as treatment.
Some vaccines actually can work as an effective treatment!
Yeah, that’s true.
But I think we both know that if he caught something he’d still get it treated privately and lie about it publicly, lest his grift be endangered, but I’d love it if he got polio and had to try and keep it quiet.
I think I know how a lot of people are thinking right about now. lol
He’s just a straight up secret nurgle cultists, that was showing his devotion and flouting it
That if anything’s gonna kill these motherfuckers, it’s most likely to be hubris that finally does it?
I’ve said all along that these people will ultimately be done in by their own virtuosic incompetence.
Managing an operation as complex and huge as the US Government by traitors, incompetents, narcissists, Nazis, drunks, addicts, weirdos, propagandists, and criminals is not sustainable. They will eventually burn their own house down, and we should surround the fire, and when one of them tries to escape, we should catch them, and toss them right back in.
Encourage this behavior?
Cooking your chicken is gay and will give your children drag queens or something.
I hope he gets sick and suffers
Maybe we can convince him to drink some of it
Like most con men, RFK is using people’s ignorance of what odds mean. If the chance of getting sick from swimming in that water is only say one percent, he knows the odds are extremely good that he won’t individually get sick, and then he will palm this off as “evidence” that it’s all a big fuss over nothing. The park service might know maybe 100,000 people will swim in that water this season, so they’ll probably save about a thousand from getting sick by closing the place. Even if somebody who does get sick manages to get the attention of a news outlet, they can be scoffed at as an anomaly. “How do you even know the water was responsible? Where else have you been? You’re just looking for attention!”
This is how dumbasses are going to kill us all. “I grew up drinking milk straight from the cow and never got sick! Big government just wants to prevent you from unlocking the magic of drinking pus!”
They won’t kill us all, just the ones dumb enough to believe reverting to the pre-science era to reinforce political beliefs is a good idea.
How can the onion ever hope to compete with reality
the onion can not keep up with this, because fiction has to be believable, unlike reality ;-)
I think their hidden agenda is actually to bankrupt The Onion.
go go power Darwin!
With modern medicine, we have switched to survival of the richest.
Funny enough not even Steve Jobs level money can save you if you prefer alternative treatments over modern medicine. Of course despite your stupidity you end up stealing a liver that actually someone else deserves more because you are stinking rich but even that does not prevent the inevitable.
Money won’t do shit for you if you’re too delusional to believe in modern medicine lol
Wow this is next level stupid, i really thought it was the onion. I’d say i’m even shocked at this demonstration of stupidity, but the fact his grand children are led into this is beyond sad.
What else can you expect from a guy that starved a brain worm to death.
THIS IS NOT ROCK CREEK FFS
Everyone including major media sources is parroting what RFK Jr. said in his instagram account as if it’s gospel. Go to google maps. Look at Rock Creek. Look how big it is. This is not Rock Creek.
You do know that rivers and creeks can go on for miles right? And that they will widen and narrow at various points?
Don’t get me wrong, it’s entirely possible that this fuck weed is saying one thing and doing another just to “prove his point” about germ theory being wrong. But it’s inconclusive that what you posted negates the possibility that he was playing in sewage water.
I get where you’re coming from, but in the interest of keeping my comment simple I left out that he claimed to be hiking in Dumbarton Oaks Park, which is not far (and downstream) from the picture I posted such that it wouldn’t be plausible that it would be that narrow.
But I’ll also point out the level of incredulity my comment is getting on a social media site, vs. RFK Jr.'s, which should strike anyone familiar with Rock Creek as almost certainly wrong. Yet everyone in the whole news media is either willfully ignoring this or just too lazy to look into it. And honestly it pisses me off because this lack of giving a fuck about basic facts from reporters who we falsely imagine as being employed in reporting facts shows how much we’re in a post-truth society and why we got a con artist as our president.
How is he still alive?
Heroin kills everything.
What a shitty grandpa.
That man deserves dysentery
