Yeah I’ve been sexually violated in ways like posts like this are usually about (coerced and pressured past my "no"s into situations I didn’t want) and while I respect the effort, I feel like they’re often in a weird position of overzealous and only really applicable in hookup type situations, they also often ignore more manipulative styles of pressuring a yes.
Hesitation is fine, but it may be good practice to double check if the following yes isn’t enthusiastic. The yes is often less important than the enthusiasm in early stages. I’ve had wonderful nights of tongue wrestling where we never asked, we flirted until it was clearly mutual, and in one case we were hesitating at first because we were both not super comfortable with the age gap (we talked about it after). And we were both drunk, because there’s a difference between consensual actions while in an altered state and taking advantage of a drunk person, and that difference largely comes down to enthusiasm and being in a similar state. If I’m one beer in and generally feeling fine I ought to turn down a shitfaced woman who’s hitting on me hard, but if I’m right there with her that’s fine.
And in long term relationship6s I think the need for enthusiasm reduces. Sometimes you put out when you aren’t really in the mood because you love your partner and value the intimacy. That’s not being sexually violated unless you were pressured or coerced.
Consent is a discussion that requires genuine nuance, and checklists will always come off as far more clunky than most people’s lived experiences with it.
Eh … I’m on the fence about “hesitated yes”.
If we’re to reducto ad absurdum it, exactly how much hesitation turns a yes to a no? In fractions of a second, please.
Yeah I’ve been sexually violated in ways like posts like this are usually about (coerced and pressured past my "no"s into situations I didn’t want) and while I respect the effort, I feel like they’re often in a weird position of overzealous and only really applicable in hookup type situations, they also often ignore more manipulative styles of pressuring a yes.
Hesitation is fine, but it may be good practice to double check if the following yes isn’t enthusiastic. The yes is often less important than the enthusiasm in early stages. I’ve had wonderful nights of tongue wrestling where we never asked, we flirted until it was clearly mutual, and in one case we were hesitating at first because we were both not super comfortable with the age gap (we talked about it after). And we were both drunk, because there’s a difference between consensual actions while in an altered state and taking advantage of a drunk person, and that difference largely comes down to enthusiasm and being in a similar state. If I’m one beer in and generally feeling fine I ought to turn down a shitfaced woman who’s hitting on me hard, but if I’m right there with her that’s fine.
And in long term relationship6s I think the need for enthusiasm reduces. Sometimes you put out when you aren’t really in the mood because you love your partner and value the intimacy. That’s not being sexually violated unless you were pressured or coerced.
Consent is a discussion that requires genuine nuance, and checklists will always come off as far more clunky than most people’s lived experiences with it.
Id say hesitating yes require a proper confirmation. If the person doesn’t look sure to you, ask them ?