I’ve heard several stories about couples that suddenly stop having sex, start snapping at each other for stupid bs, your girlfriend who was so sweet and supporting becomes her mother, a raging, yelling psychopath, looking for excuses to be passive aggressive, inviting her friends back home when all you want to do is rest after your workday, your boyfriend, so passionate about you is suddenly cold towards you and wants to be left alone. Before having a child you were inseparable, now it’s like you hate each other and rant about your loved one with your friends…
I couldn’t survive such a radical personality change.
Does this phase eventually runs its course?
How do you find the mental fortitude to ignore the stupid bs your partner does or says?
How would you describe love to your partner a year after having a baby?
Is there any way to know if you and your partner are going to make it and remain a couple after having a child?
I won’t tell my whole story but things were pretty bad for me. When we had a baby my wife quickly changed from a lovely person to just being abusive all the time. Abusive to me and the baby all the time, and told me it was my fault she was behaving that way, and telling me I should stop getting sad and offended because me getting sad is abusive, and that I shouldn’t try to stop her being abusive to the baby, and I can’t stop her being abusive to the baby. Then when our baby was older she would react to her mum’s temper by sending me away and screaming at me to leave. I often had to make a choice between just walking away from my wife being screaming abusive to our child or pushing through and intervening even when they both screamed at me that they just wanted me to leave, which is what I always chose. Years of that has irreversibly mutilated our relationship. We’re still together but we’ll never be the same. Our child is nearly three now and has only recently stopped asking me to go away, and become very affectionate. My wife has been very slowly returning to someone I recognise, only losing her temper a few times a week, which is what I prayed for but it can’t undo the damage.
When kids start to communicate, it gets so much better. Mine are 7 and 4 now and so we are over that hump (and only have three bedrooms and) permanently, but babies are frustrating AF, and that frustration rubs off on everything. My daughter, I can sit and really talk with her and find out about her day and her needs and her desires. My son is still a buffoon but I get glimpses of an actual person in there, and I love it.
Things are definitely harder when your kids are younger. They don’t communicate, you get frustrated, your partner is obviously frustrated as well, and it unfortunately carries into your relationship. My wife and I write letters to each other as the year goes along and plop them in a box. I do my best to not make it this rosy depiction of a wonderful life. I unload how some times can be difficult. It helps me remember that shit ain’t always perfect, and that’s that. It helps me let go of some negative feelings, and remember that some issues are acute for any number of reasons.
I always joke with people that I didn’t form this immediate bond with my children. I’m not sure it’s even a joke, but I make it a joke now, because my bond with them is immense now. The joke now is that I love them both so much more than their mom, and my wife understands it completely. And it’s not because of some love lost over the last 11+ years I’ve been with my wife, but that this relationship with my kids has just grown to a level I didn’t quite understand before.
So I dunno, I try to compartmentalize some of the bad times. They sure have existed. I try to remember that there’s always some rationale for intolerable behavior, and that sometimes you can’t just wish that trigger away, and that we need to just eat shit for a bit. And so that letter to my wife frequently helped me communicate about those times I was a less than ideal partner, as well as the times she was. And surely it was a vent for the times our kids could be little monsters.
I’m sorry to hear that. That’s a really hard situation for you. Sounds like she has gotten postpartum rage, which seems to be linked to postpartum depression and anxiety. Please don’t stop taking care of and defending your child as she grows up. When babies are small, they literally don’t even know that they are their own person. They think that they are the same as the mother, so they mirror much of what the mother does. I hope that you pushing through and being there for your child as they continue growing up will help, so that the child has someone stable to rely on.
I would also try to get your wife into therapy. This is not her, it’s chemical imbalances in her brain because of the pregnancy that is causing this. It is strong stuff. And while it is shitty, and does not excuse her behavior, I lean towards thinking that it is not her fault. She is basically sick.
I would try to frame it in a gentle way when suggesting it. Maybe not saying she is sick, but that you miss the loving partner that you know still exists, and that you both need professional help to figure out what the pregnancy did. According to this article the condition is entirely treatable. Good luck.
She did have therapy, which probably helped a little, it’s hard to know. I’ve never heard of postpartum rage before but that does sound like it, thanks so much for that link.
You’re welcome, I hope it gets better soon.