A snail goes into a pub, comes up to the bar and orders a beer.

Bartender says “You taking the piss mate? We don’t serve molluscs here.”

Snail, outraged, asks why not.

The bartender refuses to elaborate, and just tells the snail to piss off.

“Listen,” says the snail, “I’m not leaving until I get my beer.”

At this point the bartender has had enough of this. He picks up the snail in one hand and hurls him out the door.

Two years later, the bartender is there, getting ready for the evening rush, when the same snail appears in the doorway.

Bartender looks at him and says “You again?”

Snail looks back and says “Hey man, what the hell?”

Two breadrolls are in the oven together.

One of them says to the other “Sure is hot in here huh?”

The other replies “AHHHH, a talking breadroll!”

I spent all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

How did the hipster burn his mouth? - He ate pizza before it was cool.

The jackhammer was a ground-breaking invention.

I would like to thank my arms for always being by my side. My legs, for always supporting me. And my fingers because I can always count on them.

Why did the near-sighted man fall in to the well?

–

Because he didn’t see that well.

Why do french people only have one egg for breakfast?

Because one egg is un oeuf.

A horse goes up to the bar, and they look sad, so the barman goes “why the long face?”

“My wife just died, and I’m not handling it well, another drink”

Why did the Baker have mucky hands?

Because he kneaded a poo.

A man takes a vacation in spain. He asks around for recommendations and finds a small vintage restaurant close to the bull fight arena. It is very full, but he manages to get a seat. He does not speak the language he orders by pointing at a random dish. When it arrives, he digs in and is astonished. The flavor and texture of the meat, the rice, the sauce, just everything tastes breathtakingly good. He asks for a waiter who speaks English and wants to know what he ate. “It is the testicles of a bull, killed in the arena. " the waiter tells him. The man is taken aback at first, but he has to admit that it tasted brilliant. So he comes back the next day ordering the same dish. After the meal, he complains to the waiter: " The food was heavenly again, but why was it so much smaller then yesterday?” He asks. The waiter responds, “You see. Sone times, the bull does not lose”

Rita was a smart, good looking young woman. Unfortunately, she was not blessed with money and to afford her university tutition, she had to start working at the local brothel.

One afternoon the police raided the brothel. While they were checking up the house and talking to the brothel mother, the policement made all the girls line up out side the brothel, so everybody in town could see who was working there.

Unfortunately for Rita, her grandma was on her afternoon walk, whe she was lining up. Her grandma did not know Rita, had been working as a sex worker.

To Rita’s dismay her grandma come over to her and asked what she was doing and what she was lining up for. Not wanting her pour grandmother zo know what her job was, Rita decided to lie to her grandma as she was sure she’d die of shock if she knew the truth and told her she was lining up to get free oranges. The grandma was delighted and said she also loves oragens and thus would stay in line with Rita.

Soon the check up on the brothel was done and the officers moved to check on the girls. They walked past of them with not a single second glance. That is until they came to Rita’s grandma. One officer could not hide his surprise and couriousness and had to ask her:

“Are you not a little bit too old to be standing here?”

Rita’s grandma replied: “No, sir. I love em. I take off my theeth like this, and them suck em dry. I can’t help but love their juice”.

what do you call a racist foot fetishist?

A man walks into a rooftop bar of a hotel and takes a seat next to a man with several shot glasses and a bottle of tequila in front of him. He’s understandably shocked when the man throws back a shot, walks over to the ledge, and jumps off.

What shocks him even more is that 5 minutes later the man gets off the elevator, sits back down, and pours another shot.

He exclaimed, “How did you survive? I just saw you jump off the ledge!”

The man looks over and says, “I’m going to let you in on a secret. This is magic tequila. After taking a shot and jumping off, you slow down and stop just before hitting the ground. Come see!”

He’s guided to the ledge and watches as the man throws back another shot and jumps. Sure enough, right before hitting the ground, he slows down and stops.

“Well I have to try this,” he exclaimed. He took a shot of the magic tequila, walked up to the edge, and jumped off. Right before he hit the ground… Nothing happened and he hit the ground.

A few minutes later the man gets off the elevator, sits back down, and pours another shot.

The bartender says, “You know, you’re really an asshole when you drink, Superman.”

Obligatory. https://natethesnake.com/

The past, present, and future walked into a bar.

It was a tense situation.

What’s the difference between an Indian restaurant and a Vietnamese restaurant?

What’s brown and rhymes with snoop?