Sexuality seems like a thing to have discussed before you arrange a marriage.
Its different if someone has not realized or accepted their queerness and comes out years later. But right after the honeymoon feels nasty. Its the kind of move a manipulator uses, omit telling information that could cause others to make different choices then those that align.
There’s a stigma around bisexuals, that they are promiscuous. I did not tell my ex that I was bi at all, because she and I were exclusive the whole time we were together. It was years after our divorce that I came out as trans.
I was so worried that she would have rejected me if she knew that about me. I was happy with our life we had together, and I never strayed, so why should I have to disclose that if I don’t want to?
Edit: Insulting me, and reducing my relationship to this clinical definition of absolutely acceptable or selfish deceit can go to /dev/null. At this point I’m just going to block the users of such responses.
If the person you’re dating is going to reject your authentic self they’re not the right person for you anyway, you just wasted both of your time on a relationship where your partner was kept in the dark because you were too scared to be vulnerable, gives me the ick
You have no idea of whether I wasted my or her time. Some of the best years of both of our lives, without a doubt. Take your judgment elsewhere, friend.
they’re not the right person for you anyway, you just wasted both of your time
What exactly is “the right person for you”? If they had a happy life while they were together then why should it matter that they’re not the perfect match? Sometimes one needs to go through relationships that help them grow into the person that their “perfect match” (whatever that is) would consider to be their perfect match.
Not everything fits into nice neat boxes. My failed marriage was not shallow because I withheld information that meant nothing to me. I never so much as looked at another person in a way that would not pass the sniff test, because I loved the mother of our son with everything I had.
I was happy being the “family man”, even though I felt how I did inside; having what I had was more than enough for me. ~23ish years old with a wife, a son, a house, and a car—perfection.
It’s hard to say that when a friend outed me to her, if her reaction was informed by the animosity of the height of a messy divorce, or whether it really hit a nerve. We were young, and were not equipped to deal with the major changes that were occurring in rapid realtime.
What have you to say about this? You pass judgment on a multi-year multi-dimensional partnership, and I say shame on you.
In the future, I’d recommend keeping your insulting comments to yourself.
I say that regardless of if you believe something you are doing is right or wrong that withholding it from someone while knowing it could end your relationship is in any sain situation a selfish act.
Also I would say that people make mistakes and it if that is something you regret then it’s okay to forgive yourself and move on
My read on the situation based on what you typed is that you don’t see any harm in withholding something that you apparently believed would matter to the other person. I’m not caught up on if being bi or trans or whatever is actually wrong somehow in itself if that is how I’m coming across
Once you ring a bell, it cannot be un-rung. She may have taken it fine…or she may have left me over it; who’s to say? Would you want to risk losing someone over that?
When I came out to the people around me (long after the divorce), it was terrifying. Who will react in what way? Which relationships or friendships will never be the same? Who will embrace me? Or worse: who will throw me away? What about my parents?
Coming out is what can feel selfish. I wasn’t a secret homosexual, longing for the comfort of a man. I was happy where I was, with who I was with, and what I had.
A detail about my life that didn’t make a difference in our partnership was not shared. If she had asked me, I would have told her the truth.
There are plenty of people out there that are accepting of having a bisexual man as a partner, and I’d dare say that there are substantially more that behind closed doors would consider it a no-go.
If your partner not being 100% hetero is a dealbreaker for someone they should maybe ask about it before marriage? Although in this case it wouldn’t have helped, since the sender says her husband says he didn’t know until then (while calling him a liar). Sometimes people don’t understand their sexuality until later in life, I dunno what to tell you.
If its a dealbreaker then it feels like a red flag. Do you want to spend your life with a person that doesnt accept you fully as you are?
Youre also supposed to kinds have figured out yourself by the time of marriage. Ofc people can be stuck in the closet for years but just after the honeymoon?
I guess its possible but what events even aspired to suddenly be so sure?
Slightly related i have a theory that all mammals are biosexual by nature with a common hetero preference on top. Its well studied in animals, there are also infinite tales of life with gender separation (monks, soldiers, prison). For many hetero, its not gay if there are no women available.
I don’t understand what difference there is for the wife, someone please explain to me why she(or anyone!) would care about her husband being bisexual vs hetero.
You make it sound easy, it’s often something you are not able to understand easly you cannot just “work on that before devoting yourself” if you do not know about you being that in principle.
Also, talking about is often harder than it seems (especially because bisexuals are also very judged in the LGBT community itself), i have some bisexual friends and, oh man how many times i heard them not being sure anymore if they were actually bisexual or not, some even thought they were pretending (they were not)
It’s not about being bisexual it’s about being afraid of being vulnerable with the person you’re trying to spend the rest of your life with. If you can’t be fully open and honest with them out of fear you’re not ready to be married, a life long commitment, at least not to that person who scares you. They might reject you? Then they’re not a good match anyway, give them the opportunity to make an informed decision. Don’t have it figured out? Ok, considering it’s not about being bisexual that’s not an issue they should still know you’re at a stage in your life where you don’t have that figured out yet. I think denying a potential life partner any significant information about yourself is not ok, it shows a fear of intimacy and vulnerability and it robs them of the opportunity to make an informed decision, none of those things are good for a life long partner to be dealing with.
i have a theory that actually bisexuality is the default for mammals and heterosexual relationships a common general preference. I get its confusing for some but what depends is how they personaly perceive their own attractions.
If they weren’t sure and over many years they started to question their own sexuality its a different story but thats not this one.
What changed in a honeymoons worth of time to go from “not questioning their sexuality” to
“perceiving themselves as bisexual”
Let me put it this way, if my partner felt uncomfortable telling me something they struggle with. Than i would perceive that as a personal failure. Because trusting eachother to tackle life together is the whole point of the ceremony.
Sexuality seems like a thing to have discussed before you arrange a marriage.
Its different if someone has not realized or accepted their queerness and comes out years later. But right after the honeymoon feels nasty. Its the kind of move a manipulator uses, omit telling information that could cause others to make different choices then those that align.
I’d wonder what other secrets there are.
There’s a stigma around bisexuals, that they are promiscuous. I did not tell my ex that I was bi at all, because she and I were exclusive the whole time we were together. It was years after our divorce that I came out as trans.
I was so worried that she would have rejected me if she knew that about me. I was happy with our life we had together, and I never strayed, so why should I have to disclose that if I don’t want to?
Edit: Insulting me, and reducing my relationship to this clinical definition of absolutely acceptable or selfish deceit can go to /dev/null. At this point I’m just going to block the users of such responses.
Thanks to those who shit all over me 🙄🤷🏻♀️
If the person you’re dating is going to reject your authentic self they’re not the right person for you anyway, you just wasted both of your time on a relationship where your partner was kept in the dark because you were too scared to be vulnerable, gives me the ick
You have no idea of whether I wasted my or her time. Some of the best years of both of our lives, without a doubt. Take your judgment elsewhere, friend.
What exactly is “the right person for you”? If they had a happy life while they were together then why should it matter that they’re not the perfect match? Sometimes one needs to go through relationships that help them grow into the person that their “perfect match” (whatever that is) would consider to be their perfect match.
Why tell your partner anything you don’t want to if it’s inconvenient for you. Many would agree that is the foundation for a healthy relationship!
All jokes aside I actually don’t see the issue if the relationship is so shallow that you both agree that secrets are on the table I suppose.
Not everything fits into nice neat boxes. My failed marriage was not shallow because I withheld information that meant nothing to me. I never so much as looked at another person in a way that would not pass the sniff test, because I loved the mother of our son with everything I had.
I was happy being the “family man”, even though I felt how I did inside; having what I had was more than enough for me. ~23ish years old with a wife, a son, a house, and a car—perfection.
It’s hard to say that when a friend outed me to her, if her reaction was informed by the animosity of the height of a messy divorce, or whether it really hit a nerve. We were young, and were not equipped to deal with the major changes that were occurring in rapid realtime.
What have you to say about this? You pass judgment on a multi-year multi-dimensional partnership, and I say shame on you.
In the future, I’d recommend keeping your insulting comments to yourself.
🙄
I say that regardless of if you believe something you are doing is right or wrong that withholding it from someone while knowing it could end your relationship is in any sain situation a selfish act.
Also I would say that people make mistakes and it if that is something you regret then it’s okay to forgive yourself and move on
My read on the situation based on what you typed is that you don’t see any harm in withholding something that you apparently believed would matter to the other person. I’m not caught up on if being bi or trans or whatever is actually wrong somehow in itself if that is how I’m coming across
Once you ring a bell, it cannot be un-rung. She may have taken it fine…or she may have left me over it; who’s to say? Would you want to risk losing someone over that?
When I came out to the people around me (long after the divorce), it was terrifying. Who will react in what way? Which relationships or friendships will never be the same? Who will embrace me? Or worse: who will throw me away? What about my parents?
Coming out is what can feel selfish. I wasn’t a secret homosexual, longing for the comfort of a man. I was happy where I was, with who I was with, and what I had.
A detail about my life that didn’t make a difference in our partnership was not shared. If she had asked me, I would have told her the truth.
There are plenty of people out there that are accepting of having a bisexual man as a partner, and I’d dare say that there are substantially more that behind closed doors would consider it a no-go.
If your partner not being 100% hetero is a dealbreaker for someone they should maybe ask about it before marriage? Although in this case it wouldn’t have helped, since the sender says her husband says he didn’t know until then (while calling him a liar). Sometimes people don’t understand their sexuality until later in life, I dunno what to tell you.
If its a dealbreaker then it feels like a red flag. Do you want to spend your life with a person that doesnt accept you fully as you are?
Youre also supposed to kinds have figured out yourself by the time of marriage. Ofc people can be stuck in the closet for years but just after the honeymoon?
I guess its possible but what events even aspired to suddenly be so sure?
Slightly related i have a theory that all mammals are biosexual by nature with a common hetero preference on top. Its well studied in animals, there are also infinite tales of life with gender separation (monks, soldiers, prison). For many hetero, its not gay if there are no women available.
Maybe the honeymoon sex pushed him over the edge of realization about how he would like to have a man involved too.
I don’t understand what difference there is for the wife, someone please explain to me why she(or anyone!) would care about her husband being bisexual vs hetero.
The fact itself shouldn’t.
Not being open about yourself till just after marriage is what’s bothering.
Granted marriage culture has changed alot but surely the idea is still to unite with someone for hopefully the rest of their life.
If one has reservations and arent comfortable to be open about things that is valid but then work on that before devoting yourself to another.
You make it sound easy, it’s often something you are not able to understand easly you cannot just “work on that before devoting yourself” if you do not know about you being that in principle. Also, talking about is often harder than it seems (especially because bisexuals are also very judged in the LGBT community itself), i have some bisexual friends and, oh man how many times i heard them not being sure anymore if they were actually bisexual or not, some even thought they were pretending (they were not)
It’s not about being bisexual it’s about being afraid of being vulnerable with the person you’re trying to spend the rest of your life with. If you can’t be fully open and honest with them out of fear you’re not ready to be married, a life long commitment, at least not to that person who scares you. They might reject you? Then they’re not a good match anyway, give them the opportunity to make an informed decision. Don’t have it figured out? Ok, considering it’s not about being bisexual that’s not an issue they should still know you’re at a stage in your life where you don’t have that figured out yet. I think denying a potential life partner any significant information about yourself is not ok, it shows a fear of intimacy and vulnerability and it robs them of the opportunity to make an informed decision, none of those things are good for a life long partner to be dealing with.
Of course, it’s not easy, but so is marriage.
i have a theory that actually bisexuality is the default for mammals and heterosexual relationships a common general preference. I get its confusing for some but what depends is how they personaly perceive their own attractions.
If they weren’t sure and over many years they started to question their own sexuality its a different story but thats not this one.
What changed in a honeymoons worth of time to go from “not questioning their sexuality” to “perceiving themselves as bisexual”
Let me put it this way, if my partner felt uncomfortable telling me something they struggle with. Than i would perceive that as a personal failure. Because trusting eachother to tackle life together is the whole point of the ceremony.
I don’t really understand what the difference there would be a spouse, if their other half is het or bi. What should matter is that they chose you