I was in a talking stage with a woman and she said she had feelings for me but did not want to do any romantic stuff and realized because of her trauma, she was not ready for a relationship. So, I wonder, is it because trauma can interfere with relationships or is it a matter of not actually liking someone romantically if you don’t want to be romantic with them. Everyone presents trauma differently, so for me, I wanna be super romantic with people. I’m not trying to be an ass, I’m trying to understand.
If I eat something that has gone bad and I get food poisoning, I might be unable to eat that food for a long time afterwards. Even if I really want to and miss it and am super careful to make sure it’s safe. I might feel mildly sick even just from the smell of it. My body is just trying to protect me, and there’s nothing inherently wrong with that food, but it sucks. Given time, and in some cases careful cautious introduction, I might be able to get it down again. Had this experience with a pot pie once, and it took a couple years to eat them again, even when I looked at the box and thought I wanted it for dinner.
With people, the reintroduction process feels unfair. It is unfair. You aren’t the same person who hurt her, but unfortunately you’re introducing similar feelings or experiences. She wants to kiss people again, she liked kissing people in the past, and she wants to kiss you specifically, when she considers you. But when the moment arrives, or she thinks about the moment arriving in reality, her body goes DANGER DANGER because one time she kissed someone and a horrible thing happened.
It’s unfair to her, too. This is an unbelievably shitty thing to have to work through. She might even desperately want a relationship with someone kind, like I’m sure you are, but if she isn’t able to know how long it will be until you can have the physical relationship you both want, it makes sense that she’d step back from you. This could take years to resolve, or it might never resolve. She might be being kind to you by turning you down, or she might be being selfish because she doesn’t think she can handle navigating someone else’s feelings while hers are so intense. It’s fine if her reason is either, or both.
So, yeah, what she’s describing sounds pretty normal for someone with trauma. I hope life treats you both with more kindness and you meet someone who can return your feelings, and she figures out a treatment that helps her find peace.
If you have romantic feelings for someone it means you want to be romantic with them, but you can choose not to be due to other reasons - like previous trauma.
Yes, absolutely. Both are possible. Different peoplwith different experiences and tendencies operate differently.
Also, there are lots of different types of love. https://www.ftd.com/blog/types-of-love
[sips asexualitea]
You can love someone romantically without wanting to share your life with them, or progress the relationship beyond casual.
You can love someone sexually but not romantically, or vice versa. And sure, you can have romantic feelings for someone and not trust your feelings because of previous experience.
Anything you can imagine, someone can feel.
I would just take her at her word. And tell her what you want, without asking her for anything. If she is not open to the kind of relationship you want, does it matter what she is feeling? I think not.
Are you conflating romantic stuff with physical stuff here? You can feel romantically attracted to someone without feeling sexually attracted to them.
That being said, she could also just not be comfortable with physical touch because of her trauma (as she told you). That is absolutely a common way for trauma to present itself.
Thank you, that makes sense. I don’t understand romantic feelings without wanting to kiss someone because I have very little understanding of that stuff.
Did you ask her what exactly “feelings” she has? Some feelings are not compatible with romantic stuff.
Romantic feelings, she said she was attracted to me
It doesn’t make much sense: She has “Romantic feelings”, but “not want to do any romantic stuff”. I think it is some misunderstanding or terminology misuse.
It’s not contradictory. Feelings and actions are not the same thing.
Maybe I really like ice cream (feeling), but it don’t actually want to eat it (action) because I’m worried about something unrelated, like my weight.
Talking stage? Lol
