My mom told me I should “go outside more often” so my depression can “go away”, but honestly how the fuck is that supposed to help, just one glance at the news headlines is enough to just discourage me from going outside.
(For context: we’re a non-white family of immigrants)
Like she asked me “do [I] want to just never go anywhere”, I’m like: I do, I wanna go visit Canada, I wanna travel the world, but I don’t wanna get stuck in some airport because border people are being a dick. I am a US Citizen, so to others I probably sound paranoid af since “there’s nothing to worry about” they say, but like… c’mon, I have anxiety and depression, how do I even control the emotions of fear that’s drowning me?.
My mom said since my dad isn’t a citizen and he doesn’t fear the current political atmosphere, that I’m “being a coward” for fearing this so much. And because in her mind she sees me as this coward, and therefore is discussing about leaving me out of the will and leaving me with nothing, because I’m this “coward” this “useless person” that don’t deserve to have anything. Because of depression and anxiety, she sees me the same way as people typically view mentally-challenged people. As if I’m just some hideous being. She says that if I can’t even have the courage to “go outside often and be a ‘normal’ human being”, I wouldn’t be able to handle/manage the assets/investments they have. (Small bussiness, won’t go into detail about it) Like no I have already helped her managed some of those stuff for a few years back when I was younger and didn’t have depression. I am capable of doing it, just depression is killing me. So now I’m not worthy anymore.
Is my excuse just pathetic? Like idk maybe I would’ve used another excuse in the other election timeline. But sure mom, “medications are bad”, “just go outside”, ffs my head hurts so much. This timeline definitely aint helping.
Sorry for the depression post, I don’t have anyone to talk to, so I’m just yelling into the internet void.
Never actually done anything. Still terrifying to hear from a parent. I still remember that time when I was no even 8 year old yet, when my brother practically chased me out of the house. It was the most alone I’ve ever felt in my entire life, nobody to help me. My (former) country was dysfunctional at the time and I don’t think a “CPS” even existed. Those memories have been stuck on my mind recently. Being alone for those few hours were the scariest moments of my life, I haven’t even existed for that long yet, and my world was already in chaos. Even just those words, even empty threats are fucking terrifying. I try to sleep, I’m halfway asleep, for about like idk 10 minutes, then the dread comes in, sleep paralysis, with the fears of that day + all the shitty events that happened in my life all just coming back as if a huge bear just pounced on me. I couldn’t move (again, sleep paralysis), my heartrate goes through the roof, once I fully wake up from the sleep paralysis, I feel as if I just ran away from a fucking bear attack or something.
The first time I was restrained wasn’t actually the time when I got falsely accused of instigating a fight at school, it was way earlier. My older brother had a fight with me when I was probably somewhere around 5-8 and he fucking used those plastic zipties and ties me up. It was a long time ago, but those memories never went away, the memories are here with me after all these years, a whole decade and a half later. Law enforcement is so fucking terrifying. I hate being trapped in a place and unable to move.
Every time I watch people having a normal relationship with family, I just cry in happiness for the family, even if its in fictional media, and I just delve more into my memories and try to imagine an alternate timeline. Tears are always in my eyes, but sometimes the emotion part of my brain is so drained its hard to even properly cry.
I wonder if thing like lead or other food poisonings have turned my family into the way they are. Food regulations were very lax where I was from. Even baby formulas have fakes, nobody trusted baby formulas, they even had to smuggle in foreign baby formula. It wouldn’t be surprising if its just chemicals fucking up society so much.