CW: suicidal ideation
Firstly, an apology. I’ve posted here a couple of times during low moments and then never followed up. Received a lot of helpful and sympathetic comments each time and it’s kinda shitty I’ve never even updated my original posts about things being better (because they are).
Onto the meat. Between a couple of long-term relationships and long periods of not really looking for a partner, I hadn’t realised I’d managed to get to my late 20s without ever having to ‘date’. Both my serious relationships were friends that progressed onto the next level.
Emotionally, this stuff is devastating. Matching with someone who seems interesting and attractive, and they cannot/will not genuinely engage in conversation. Having an amazing conversation with someone in an evening, and then nothing ever again.
Worst are all the feelings associated with RSD when you’re not sure there’s even a problem. But you are certain there’s an issue. How’d you explain that to anyone? How’d you explain that to them?
Idk why I’m posting this rant. I’m sorry for disturbing you all. I don’t even want someone to tell me I’m wrong or right or anything else. Selfishly, all I want is for someone to tell me:
‘Yeah, no, you’re right there’s something wrong with you in particular. You really will never be happy and you’re right, you shouldn’t be here. No, you’re absolutely right, there’s an unplacable ugliness to you that you can’t fix and everyone will always notice.’
I don’t know what I’d do if someone confirmed all my worst fears but I think it’d make me feel better? Like things made sense? Like I was correct about something for once.
Sorry again.
You’ll probably feel better about all this if you shift your perspective a little. Right now you’re frustrated because you’re seeing a date as the first step to a relationship, and then when it doesn’t go any further, you feel like you’ve failed and you have to start over. You are reluctant to try again because you expect another failure.
Dating is simply increasing your sample size.
Those past dates weren’t failures, you successfully learned that those people weren’t compatible with you.
If you try a new food and you don’t like it, do you consider that a failure? You stepped out of your comfort zone, decided it wasn’t for you, and now you know to avoid that dish in the future, and the next one you try might be your new favorite, or, it might not, but how else will you know?
Get out there, interact with people and increase your sample size! There are plenty of other people with similar interests as you, it might just take a while to find them.
Once you give up, only then have you failed, otherwise, you just aren’t there yet. It’s better to take your time and find the right person, than rush into a relationship with somebody you aren’t compatible with. (Trust me, I’m on my second marriage because I desperately clung to the first person who showed interest in my 20s)
Thanks. I appreciate you coming at this from a different perspective as some other respondents (not that I don’t appreciate them too).
You’re absolutely right that I suppose I have found out we weren’t right for one another and in some cases yeah, it absolutely feels that way. Other times, just because of how it ended, it doesn’t feel resolved from my end but I suppose in a way, it has been.
Interesting thing to consider. Thank you.
Just remember, real world relationships don’t happen like they do on TV and movies. There is no formula to follow that will win over whoever you set your eyes on. It’s about two people finding each other.