CW: suicidal ideation
Firstly, an apology. I’ve posted here a couple of times during low moments and then never followed up. Received a lot of helpful and sympathetic comments each time and it’s kinda shitty I’ve never even updated my original posts about things being better (because they are).
Onto the meat. Between a couple of long-term relationships and long periods of not really looking for a partner, I hadn’t realised I’d managed to get to my late 20s without ever having to ‘date’. Both my serious relationships were friends that progressed onto the next level.
Emotionally, this stuff is devastating. Matching with someone who seems interesting and attractive, and they cannot/will not genuinely engage in conversation. Having an amazing conversation with someone in an evening, and then nothing ever again.
Worst are all the feelings associated with RSD when you’re not sure there’s even a problem. But you are certain there’s an issue. How’d you explain that to anyone? How’d you explain that to them?
Idk why I’m posting this rant. I’m sorry for disturbing you all. I don’t even want someone to tell me I’m wrong or right or anything else. Selfishly, all I want is for someone to tell me:
‘Yeah, no, you’re right there’s something wrong with you in particular. You really will never be happy and you’re right, you shouldn’t be here. No, you’re absolutely right, there’s an unplacable ugliness to you that you can’t fix and everyone will always notice.’
I don’t know what I’d do if someone confirmed all my worst fears but I think it’d make me feel better? Like things made sense? Like I was correct about something for once.
Sorry again.
I’ve been in a similar situation before and probably lived my entire twenties in the same mindset. I just turned 30 a few months ago and kinda went through the same existential crisis a couple years ago. I hate to be “that guy” but I think you are putting too many high expectations on it. At this point in my life I don’t really try to date anymore because it always puts me in a similar mindset and I don’t like it. But ever since I stopped trying to date and forcing myself into the situation of dating I have been much more content with life. I started saving the mental space for other things that I can control and know I can accomplish.
I don’t know, I don’t know your specific situation in all its aspects and I’m only speaking from a place of my own experiences. I understand how you feel, and I’m sorry I can’t help. But if you want someone to talk to lemme know. And if it helps, I’d date the shit outta you. ;)
Cheers, the feeling’s mutual 😘
I think my initial reaction to your comment was ‘well, NTs can want to be in relationships, and they can date and get upset the “normal” amount. I only want what they got.’
And I’ve managed to come to terms with accepting I can’t have things “the NT way” before, so maybe that’s something I can explore.
And I think it’s just what it is to have ADHD and the like. Knowing you have it is not the same as accepting is a part of yourself and making changes that reflect that acceptance. Like, when I get hyper focused on a new hobby I always try to remind myself that if I don’t actually want to commit I shouldn’t go all out and spend a bunch of money and put in a bunch of effort for something that I won’t want in 2 months. Because that’s how you end up with a $400 3D printer that sits in the corner collecting dust. But something I do like is making music. Sure, I don’t work on it literally all the time, but I keep it in the back of my mind as something I actually want to do and put effort into.
I’m not saying that dating is like a hyper-fixation or anything like that and I kinda lost the plot halfway through that comment, but the key takeaway I’d say is understanding and accepting yourself. Know what you want and what you are willing to go through to get there and don’t expect results before you even make an effort. Dating is a game of trial and error and it’s hard for even NTs to find what they are looking for. And basing what you want off of other people’s experiences will only make it harder to find out what you want and what you are capable of.