A year ago I broke up with my gf of 8 years after finding out she cheated on me and had been for a long time.
I quite literally have zero friends remaining at this point. Every single mutual friend has stayed friends with her and completely ghosted me. I can only suspect I’ve been slandered and that’s why nobody wants anything to do with me anymore. I tried going to local shows as that was my community but it’s completely sucked the fun out of things because it’s a small city and there’s always eyes on me from different corners of the room like I’ve done something wrong and I don’t feel welcome anymore. So I’ve just stopped attending concerts which used to be my safe space. Standing by myself watching the band while people stare a hole in the side of my head isn’t exactly enjoyable.
My lived experience has now taught me that 90% of people are cheaters, liars, and thieves, and while I know that’s not reality, it’s fundamentally changed the way I approach friendships. I don’t open up to people anymore because I don’t trust anyone anymore.
I don’t think or care about my ex but the friends who ghosted me still cause daily intrusive thoughts. I don’t know why I’ve been abandoned. No closure and no way to defend myself. I never expected how much more it hurts to lose friends than it does to lose a partner.
I miss my friends but they’ve proven they don’t care about me so when they inevitably reach out to me there’s no way I’ll be able to forgive.
Probably I need to go back to therapy again but just curious if anyone has experienced similar.
That’s NOT “how life just is as a man”. Friendships and other relationships are not static, they are either maintained or not. Yes it’s an uphill battle because we aren’t socialized for this, and we all have hangups and internalized fears around being vulnerable, or saying the wrong things when people are in a bad place. But that’s how you get true connections built on trust that can withstand life changes instead of fair-weather friendships that last only as long as it’s easy.
Nihilistic doomer takes don’t help anyone, they just drive some people into an incel / blackpill mindset where they are the perpetual victim. And that’s a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Your take here is the nihilistic doomer take.
Life isn’t a choice between two extremes. Most folks lives are not incel, nor are they ‘true friendship’ they are in the middle, living ordinary boring life, rather than one of the hyperbolic choices you have presented here. Nor do people sit around ‘maintaining’ relationships, they just… have them or don’t.
You def spend way too much time reading self help crap online, chasing some platonic ideal of relationships in your head, and thinking the only alternative to that is being an incel or something?
Life is way more boring than any of that dude. Most relationships are 100% built on convenience or a sense of social obligation. People stop being friends when they feel it is inconvenient or there is no sense of obligation to sustain things anymore. And that’s fine. There is no ‘true eternal friendship’ anymore than there is ‘true love’. It’s a idealized fantasy, just like incel beliefs.
These are personal experiences that I had to learn and try to put into action in my life, and it has helped a lot especially as someone who’s struggled to be a social person at all for many years.
And nowhere did I say it’s a choice between two extremes. I said resilient relationships take work. That’s not an extreme, it’s nudging things into a healthier direction over time. When you just let things happen without putting in any work, it’s no surprise things shake out the way you say. But that’s not a given, it’s a choice.
why would i be in a relationship if it took work? work takes work. relationships are supposed to be enjoyable and fun, like hobby.
again, you sound like you have internalized way too much self-help therapy stuff. ordinry folks don’t approach life that way.
i have relationships, but i would not classify any of them as ‘work’. when they become ‘work’ it means it’s time to stop interacting with that person.