A year ago I broke up with my gf of 8 years after finding out she cheated on me and had been for a long time.
I quite literally have zero friends remaining at this point. Every single mutual friend has stayed friends with her and completely ghosted me. I can only suspect I’ve been slandered and that’s why nobody wants anything to do with me anymore. I tried going to local shows as that was my community but it’s completely sucked the fun out of things because it’s a small city and there’s always eyes on me from different corners of the room like I’ve done something wrong and I don’t feel welcome anymore. So I’ve just stopped attending concerts which used to be my safe space. Standing by myself watching the band while people stare a hole in the side of my head isn’t exactly enjoyable.
My lived experience has now taught me that 90% of people are cheaters, liars, and thieves, and while I know that’s not reality, it’s fundamentally changed the way I approach friendships. I don’t open up to people anymore because I don’t trust anyone anymore.
I don’t think or care about my ex but the friends who ghosted me still cause daily intrusive thoughts. I don’t know why I’ve been abandoned. No closure and no way to defend myself. I never expected how much more it hurts to lose friends than it does to lose a partner.
I miss my friends but they’ve proven they don’t care about me so when they inevitably reach out to me there’s no way I’ll be able to forgive.
Probably I need to go back to therapy again but just curious if anyone has experienced similar.
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I know someone who broke up and apparently even friends that were the other persons before ended up hanging with them. Its sorta hard for people to hang with both people after a breakup but usually the friends line up with where they were before the relationship.
My lived experience has now taught me that 90% of people are cheaters, liars, and thieves, and while I know that’s not reality, it’s fundamentally changed the way I approach friendships. I don’t open up to people anymore because I don’t trust anyone anymore.
As you yourself said, that’s not reality. What is reality is that we’re all flawed and gonna fuck it up at some point. That’s to be expected. What someone does afterwards is the true measure of their character. Apology and restitution are very positive signs.
Every single mutual friend has stayed friends with her and completely ghosted me.
Have you directly asked them what’s going on? Just a curious “hey, I noticed we haven’t talked after she cheated on me and we broke up. Are we still good or are you not talking to me anymore? No worries if not, just wanna check.” or something.
People pick the person they enjoy being around, not the one who is right in their personal situation
Ha ha ha there’s no such thing as mutual friends, silly
This is a common experience. But before you listen to the gender war bullshit about how it’s just not fair to be a man, consider some of the other explanations.
I’ve been abandoned, and I’ve been the friend who chose the girl. And I’ve learned some important things.
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it’s the couple who forces friends to choose. most people would keep both relationships, but people going through breakups are myopic and insist.
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I chose to be friends with the girl because she was a better friend. Not because I was endorsing her grievances.
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I can’t blame my friends for choosing my ex. I would have abandoned any of them for her.
I chose to be friends with the girl because she was a better friend
Hypothetically, would this still apply if they cheated or did some other similar act?
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During your relationship did you reach out to your friends or did she? Did you chat with your friends without her? Did you make plans or did your friends or did she? Since the break-up have you reached out or attempted to make plans?
Hey. This happened to me a few years ago. Had a great friend group of many years, started dating my best friend in the group. They raped me, then slandered me and accused me of accusing them of a bunch of stuff before I talked to anyone.
All my friends believed them.
It was fucking devastating. Honestly, I still couldn’t tell you what hurt the most out of that situation but suffice it to say losing everyone in my life at the same time really fucked me up for a number of years after.
My lived experience aligns with yours in that 98% of people are lying, cheating, selfish bastards. People are lazy, and don’t really care about what’s right but rather what’s convenient, and it’s usually more convenient to just not examine the situation and go along with the group. After all, they don’t want to lose their friends too *sigh
In the end, people will be people and believe whatever. There may be some self reflection needed from you in this situation but don’t ruminate on what they do or don’t think about you. Focus on being someone you like and are happy with.
I had the same problem socially with being tight in the local music scene, small venues, hard to make new friends because everyone is cliquey. Honestly it was super weird to read your post because it mirrored my experience post break up almost exactly (minus the rape trauma hopefully).
5 years later I have a handful of good friends and people I’ve built new meaningful friendships with. It’s hard to meet people, let alone people you really vibe with, but for me, I met them all in the oddest of places at the oddest of times. It sounds cliche, but you just have to stay open and keep going out. You don’t have to open up and be vulnerable with everyone you meet, but stay friendly, and be vulnerable with the people that reciporicate over time, and be forgiving/ give people the space and time to be human/ adults/ busy.
It shouldn’t be normal. Defamation is a form of abuse. Harassment by proxy is a form of harassment. The people who do these things are abusers. I’ve been through that stuff and it’s evil.
Sometimes they aren’t even saying anything about you. Sometimes they just use the word “abuse” and don’t elaborate. That’s why I always ask people to elaborate. I don’t believe anything if I haven’t heard a story that can be disputed.
A specific lie can be picked apart. A vague lie is invincible. So I assume vague stories are lies. But most people believe vague stories. And that’s what creates an abuser’s paradise.
She definitely slandered you in all sorts of ways, and all your friends believed her without hearing your side I’m assuming…
I’d look at it this way: you didn’t lose any friends, because they weren’t your friends to begin with.
My lived experience has now taught me that 90% of people are cheaters, liars, and thieves
They are. I stopped talking to most of my social circle because of this reason. Went from around 10-15 friends to 2, in less than a year, no joke.
IME it’s always the people who loudly grandstand about this stuff who are guilty of it. Everyone who denounces cheating is horrible and awful and etc, ends up being a cheater, etc.
Yea idk I never had a relationship so I can’t possibly cheat.
I don’t make everything known to anyone but I don’t lie either.
And last I checked I had no reall enemies.
But, I certainly don’t remember doing what was done to me, or speaking what was said of my loved ones, that sparked me pushing those people away in the first place.
I guess I took it personally, dunno if I should have. My point is that this can’t be assumed.
Yeah, normal people don’t often think about that sort of thing unless they have a reason
yep.
super common.
most everyone will come down on the woman’s side too. regardless of whether or not she was at fault.
it’s just how life is as a man. you can’t change things, you just have to deal with it. men are only valued what we provide to others, and we are discarded the second we no longer provide it.
the only happiness/solace you can really find is living for yourself, on your own terms, and not worrying about social approval from other people. if it comes, cool. but way too many of us spend our lives seeking it out and becoming miserable by doing so, or having it all disappear over ordinary life events we had no control over.
BTW i will give you one counter example. When my girlfriend of 5 years left me in my late 20s, her family came down on my side. They called me an apologized for their daughters behavior and how they had no raised her this way, and we chatted a bit about how she had changed the past 2 years into a very unhappy person. She continued to socialize with me, but she continued to spiral into deeper misery so I just parted ways entirely. Her family and I had bonded pretty well, but she had refused to bond with my family out of a weird pride.
I provide no value and friends reach out all the time lmao, I’m a leech if anything
That’s NOT “how life just is as a man”. Friendships and other relationships are not static, they are either maintained or not. Yes it’s an uphill battle because we aren’t socialized for this, and we all have hangups and internalized fears around being vulnerable, or saying the wrong things when people are in a bad place. But that’s how you get true connections built on trust that can withstand life changes instead of fair-weather friendships that last only as long as it’s easy.
Nihilistic doomer takes don’t help anyone, they just drive some people into an incel / blackpill mindset where they are the perpetual victim. And that’s a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Your take here is the nihilistic doomer take.
Life isn’t a choice between two extremes. Most folks lives are not incel, nor are they ‘true friendship’ they are in the middle, living ordinary boring life, rather than one of the hyperbolic choices you have presented here. Nor do people sit around ‘maintaining’ relationships, they just… have them or don’t.
You def spend way too much time reading self help crap online, chasing some platonic ideal of relationships in your head, and thinking the only alternative to that is being an incel or something?
Life is way more boring than any of that dude. Most relationships are 100% built on convenience or a sense of social obligation. People stop being friends when they feel it is inconvenient or there is no sense of obligation to sustain things anymore. And that’s fine. There is no ‘true eternal friendship’ anymore than there is ‘true love’. It’s a idealized fantasy, just like incel beliefs.
These are personal experiences that I had to learn and try to put into action in my life, and it has helped a lot especially as someone who’s struggled to be a social person at all for many years.
And nowhere did I say it’s a choice between two extremes. I said resilient relationships take work. That’s not an extreme, it’s nudging things into a healthier direction over time. When you just let things happen without putting in any work, it’s no surprise things shake out the way you say. But that’s not a given, it’s a choice.
why would i be in a relationship if it took work? work takes work. relationships are supposed to be enjoyable and fun, like hobby.
again, you sound like you have internalized way too much self-help therapy stuff. ordinry folks don’t approach life that way.
i have relationships, but i would not classify any of them as ‘work’. when they become ‘work’ it means it’s time to stop interacting with that person.
what the fuck are you on about with this shitty meme.
Yes, it is.
So there was a rash of divorces that happened in my extended friends circle when a bunch of the oldest kids graduated high school. My wife and I palled around with about 10 families. We had all met each other our kid’s sports. I was a coach and we got really lucky to have a great group of kids and parents. So when the kids got into high school the sports ended but the connections and freindships remained.
Anyway, three of the couples divorced when their oldest kid graduated high school and afterwards the running joke was who got who after the divorce. Ironically for your post my wife and I went to the ex husbands.
I am not sure if it was a choice more like that is just how it sorted out. We all have busy active lives. There is a limited amount of time for socialization to have to maximize that time.
Yeah, mate. When my ex left me, even my older brother asked me to not come to parties at his place because it made her uncomfortable.
She was there with my brothers’ friend. She had been seeing him for a while and I was the last person to know. The whole time she had been telling anyone who found out about them that I was abusive and to keep it quiet for her protection (yet she was verbally and financially abusing me).
In the end I was shunned by almost everyone that I knew. I lost my home, my friends, most of my family and ended up in debt for years as a result.
Only my younger brother stood by me and stood up for me. Everyone else believed her. When I started dating my (now) wife, she was approached by several of my old “friends” and told that I was ‘bad news’ and to avoid me because I was abusive. My (now) wife told them she was “a grown woman and capable of making up her own mind, thank you very much!” We’ve been together 22 years, married for 17 years and have two amazing kids. In the end, though I suffered, I have come through way better off than I was then. The perspective that I have gained has made me much more aware of the value loyalty, friendship and love.
My ex married and had a kid with the brother’s friend. They didn’t last 5 years. She pulled the same shit with him, but nobody believed her this time. They had seen the same playbook when she cheated on me. He’s still single, and she’s with another ex-friend’s brother, burning bridges as she goes…
Just take small steps, my friend. Start a journal. See a counselor. Get up every day and see what it brings. You never know what’s around the corner. Eat right. Exercise. Just exist in the world without expectation and you’ll find your place. May it be filled with joy.
I’m sorry you had to go through that but I’m happy that it worked out for you. Some people are just truly awful.
And some people are truly wonderful. Offering empathy and understanding to internet strangers is a simple kindness that can make someone’s day brighter. Thank you.
Your wife sounds amazing. I’ve been dating someone for a while who has been messaged by someone I know saying I’m bad news. And she immediately blocked. One of the hurdles early on for her is that she couldnt comprehend how someone like me is so universally hated and I’m so grateful she didn’t write me off because of that
Ex’s current bf is a former friend of mine and maybe it’s cruel of me to think this but I can’t wait till he experiences the same thing and maybe gives me some sort of redemption here
You could take the person you’re dating out to concerts to enjoy them together.
You’ll probably feel that way for a while. Try to not hold on to it. Carrying resentment and anger around is like deliberately filling your life with negativity. It’s draining and will leave you emotionally and physically exhausted.
You may eventually find that it’s a blessing that so many people showed you their true colours in such a direct way. You have a clean slate. Start surrounding yourself with people that are supportive and empathetic. You can choose who your friends are. Make good choices. Move slowly. Trust your gut.
You’ll be okay, friend. Good luck.
no matter ho painful (and humbling), it’s a great way to filter out friends from ‘people you like spending time with’. I mean, if not a single one of them was willing to ask for your point of view on the situation, what does it say about them? Most certainly that none were a friend of yours. Friends do care about one another.
Many years ago, when I quit my ‘dream’ job (that came with good money and some prestige attached to it), a job I was even quite good at, my spouse and I witnessed almost all our ‘dear friends’ ghosting us. Suddenly, I was a nobody they had no use for. So be it. People come and go.
It helps to realize real friends are very rare: I know many people, quite a few of them I may even enjoy spending time with, but I have one friend. A single one, we’ve been friends for the last 40+ years and we’ve been through a lot of hard times together (despite each of us living in a different country, and not meeting that often), never failing the other. Someone like that is rare, very much unlike those ‘people one may enjoy spending time with’ that will often come and go, on a whim.
Getting rid of them is an opportunity to meet new people this time not making the same mistake: don’t think all the people you enjoy are friends. Most, the very large majority, will not be. And that’s fine.
Is the breakup and ending of friendships related to the rape accusations levied against you that you posted about 20 days ago?
https://lemmy.ca/comment/23387798
Burying the lede there a bit if that’s the fuller context to your situation.
Edit: I’m not saying I think you’re a rapist. I don’t have enough information to formulate an opinion responsibly. I’m pointing out your former friends seem to have that perception, so that might contribute to you feeling like they’re all staring a hole into the side of your head.
I’m going to apply a user tag and stop engaging now. Arguing with me is not where you need to spend your energy, nor I with you.
Ah, so it’s the consequence free “soft-murder” woman hold over men now.
Yell rape and ruin a guys life. Even if they manage proof innocence, their life is fucked. The woman can even go on to say she was lying about the whole thing, but that doesn’t “undo” anything. Unfortualty this often leads to suicide, which why I call it “soft-murder”. On that note, you are not alone, if you’re having suicide thoughts, get help!!!
I’m sorry OP, this really sucks for you. Frankly, in the long term, you’re probably better off moving far away and starting new. And if people start asking questions why you don’t seem to have many past ties - crazy ex spread life ruining lies, and you were forced to leave. It’s better people have your story before they inevitably “find out”.
The “Me too” movement turned from exposing monsters into a power grab. It really sucks, all they’re doing is planting seeds of doubt when actual victims need help. “Was she really rapped or did they have a bad fight and she’s just spreading lies as revenge”. That is not helpful to anyone.
it’s not necessarily consequence free. i knew a couple of ladies who got fucked by their false rape accusations. it does happen.
however, the consequences are typically rare and only bite them in the ass after multiple accusations or escalations that involve the legal system.
further there are edge cases where people delusion convince themselves of abuse/rape after the fact because it gives them a ‘get out of jail free’ card in their own heads of the shame/guilt they feel. and on the flip side, i have had newer partners try to convince me my old partners were abusers as a way to elevate their own status with me, etc.
people do all sorts of crazy/toxic stuff when it comes to sex and relationships, that is rarely discussed because it makes folks uncomfortable. lots of crazy manipulative stuff that goes on in relationships and sex is normalized or excused.
Yeah same situation, but even people who knew me for 20 years shouldn’t have bought into that nonsense especially knowing the history of the relationship
I guess there’s nothing you can really do to ever come back from this if this is the root problem. Just my word vs hers and she’s expert level manipulator
Edit: I didn’t come here to argue with anyone. But sure, tag me as “probably a rapist” and don’t talk to me. I’m getting used to it. Lol
Maybe you were having a bad day in the above linked convo, but fyi you come across as needlessly argumentative and more than a little misogynist. Tbh i didn’t even see the comment where you talk about being accused of rape because your others were too off-putting for me to continue reading.
Your comments make you seem angry at women. That doesn’t make you a rapist, but it goes a long way to explaining why all your friends would believe an allegation.
I’ve tagged you as ‘reasonable human??’ because your comment was far too sensible for the internet.
Yeah, raping someone would justifiably make someone lose all their friends.
Being accused of something is fully different than actually having done it. Just because somebody accuses you of something doesn’t mean it’s automatic that you are guilty. In the comment that was linked, he literally said somebody falsely accused him. So I have to ask you how do you know that he’s actually guilty?
Thank you man. I am honestly surprised and hurt at some of the reactions here. Even strangers on an anonymous forum have immediately demonized me over this. I’m glad I posted this thread because it proves my suspicion - nobody will ever believe me and that’s just the reality of my life now. Even showing people concrete evidence of her trying to kill me isn’t going to change anything so I guess I just have to somehow own it
Why would I write that comment if I was guilty? It was an obvious cry for help lmao and now I’m embarrassed I said it
because many folks are incredibly sexist. and they think their sexism is ‘good’. because women are always victims in their minds, and if a man is ever a victim, well he deserved it because of ‘systematic oppression’.
just ignore them.
and further, those who haven’t dealt with manipulative women, or false rape accusations, love to pretend they don’t exist. because it would break their fantasy world where all women are angelic and men are demonic. instead of men and women both being people capable of shitty things.
Just the other day I was having an argument with some cuckoo here on lemmy about how they believed all rape accusations should be considered guilty until proven otherwise. It’s insane how stupid some people get.
it makes people feel powerful to take absolutist stances like this.
and weak people love to feel powerful. you typically won’t see such stances coming from productive happy people
But I didn’t, so what am I supposed to do?
You’re going to have to confront the allegations, likely one by one or with a few people. You’re going to be upfront about it and you probably won’t be successful with everyone.
That said, it is kind of a bad sign that you led the discussion here first talking about a break up rather than starting with the rape allegations, since the people who know the two of you are likely going to take that as a tacit admission of guilt.
What can you do? Hypothetically you take each one of them aside and you force them to tell you what she’s been saying about you. And then somehow demonstrate that she is lying.
Now that’s hypothetically.
Realistically, there’s no way that they will want to change their mind anyway. Unless you have some really solid proof that you didn’t do it. And ans anybody can tell you , trying to prove a negative is almost impossible.
So that means realistically, there is really nothing you can do about it. I mean, you can catch a couple of them when they’re alone. And try to find out what She said. But if they’ve already bought into the bullshit from her then what do you do?. I don’t really see a way back from that.
By the way, I’m going on the basis of she’s lying and that she falsely accused you. As I only have your comment in the other post where you said she falsely accused. I have no way to know what did or did not happen. I’m just giving you information based on what I have. All I can say is good luck and try to move forward. Only you would know if you’d be able to approach those people and have a chance of sitting down and making them listen.
and you force them to tell
probably not the right tone to use when those people probably believe him to be a rapist
It’s the implication.
LMAO
You read my comment there and that’s your reaction? Wtf?
Why would I write that if I was guilty of said thing?
You’re over thinking it. No need for the drama.
If you feel like hanging out with someone then do so, if not then dont.
Spend the time on hobbies, exercise, cultivating new relationships or reinvigorating old ones.
