I want incredibly mundane insults like “you look like you have a terrible handshake.”
“If all the village idiots, in all of the viilages, left their villages, and formed their own village, of idiots. In that village, you would be the village idiot.” - Colin Lane
“Don’t be so humble. You’re not that great.” - Maria Bamford’s dad.
“People say you’re a real wit, but I think they’re only half right.” - me
You look the way I feel.
A few I’ve acquired over the years.
- “At this point, you can only impress me.”
- “My opinion of you can only go up from here”
- “The bar was on the ground and you brought a shovel.”
- Unencumbered by the thought process.
- “You’re the reason we have warning labels.”
- “They only got two brain cells and both of them are fighting for third place.”
- “It’s impossible to underestimate you.”
- “If you were half as smart as you think you are, you’d be twice as smart as you really are.”
- “If you ever had a clever thought, it died alone and afraid.”
- “They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.”
- “He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.” - Abraham Lincoln
- “May I ask what’s on your mind, if you’ll forgive the overstatement?”
- “You could hide your own Easter eggs.”
- “I can explain it again, if you’d like, but I can’t understand for you.”
- “He is a modest man with much to be modest about.”
- “I would agree with you but then we would both be wrong”
I really like “tosspot” but some people take it really harshly.
“You’re such a poached finjamin” also works if you’re trying to be super polite by avoiding any possible connotations
The Monty Python French taunters classic is a scathing insult and noone gets it. Break down the line:
“Your mother was a hampster, and your father smelt of elderberries”
Firstly, they are calling your mother a fast-breeding rodent, ergo, your mother is a whore, that one is simple. Second, why would your father smell of elderberries? What was it used for at the time? Wine, but better wine would be made from grapes from France or southern England, implying your father was was not just a drunk, but a cheap drunk.
Its one of the most insulting lines ever uttered on film and it has so many layers, which is why that movie is hillarious.
“You’re not as dumb as you look,” was always one of the most subtle yet broad insults.
You have a great face for radio.
I’d rather shit in my hands and clap
“You look like Danny Divito standing on Danny Divito’s shoulders.”
Woah! I said I wanted insults!
I hope your chooks turn into emus, and kick your dunny down.
Two more I’ve heard over the years:
‘You should carry around a potted plant to replace the oxygen you’re wasting’
And:
‘Your head is really just a place to store your teeth isn’t it?
A similar one to the plant is “somewhere in the world there’s a tree working hard to create the oxygen you just wasted, you should find it and apologize”
Oh I’m stealing this one.
Yes! This is exactly what I wanted!
“Anyone ever tell you that you’ve done a great job lately?”
“No” (This one requires a no answer)
“Think about that, then.”
If they say yes you can then continue with “I meant besides yourself”
What if they just say “thank you”
I’d try to explain it slower but I don’t believe speed is the problem
“Bless your heart”
“[W]hat you’ve just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.”
Okay, a simple ‘wrong’ would have done just fine…
