My mom told me I should “go outside more often” so my depression can “go away”, but honestly how the fuck is that supposed to help, just one glance at the news headlines is enough to just discourage me from going outside.
(For context: we’re a non-white family of immigrants)
Like she asked me “do [I] want to just never go anywhere”, I’m like: I do, I wanna go visit Canada, I wanna travel the world, but I don’t wanna get stuck in some airport because border people are being a dick. I am a US Citizen, so to others I probably sound paranoid af since “there’s nothing to worry about” they say, but like… c’mon, I have anxiety and depression, how do I even control the emotions of fear that’s drowning me?.
My mom said since my dad isn’t a citizen and he doesn’t fear the current political atmosphere, that I’m “being a coward” for fearing this so much. And because in her mind she sees me as this coward, and therefore is discussing about leaving me out of the will and leaving me with nothing, because I’m this “coward” this “useless person” that don’t deserve to have anything. Because of depression and anxiety, she sees me the same way as people typically view mentally-challenged people. As if I’m just some hideous being. She says that if I can’t even have the courage to “go outside often and be a ‘normal’ human being”, I wouldn’t be able to handle/manage the assets/investments they have. (Small bussiness, won’t go into detail about it) Like no I have already helped her managed some of those stuff for a few years back when I was younger and didn’t have depression. I am capable of doing it, just depression is killing me. So now I’m not worthy anymore.
Is my excuse just pathetic? Like idk maybe I would’ve used another excuse in the other election timeline. But sure mom, “medications are bad”, “just go outside”, ffs my head hurts so much. This timeline definitely aint helping.
Sorry for the depression post, I don’t have anyone to talk to, so I’m just yelling into the internet void.
Your mom is being shitty. I also have a parent who would randomly threaten to cut me off, and it was the last thing I needed to hear when struggling with life-threatening depression for the first time. A decent parent would show love and compassion, or at least not make it worse for you. Understand and remember that she is in the wrong here, not you. Mental health issues are not personal failures, any more than other health issues are.
You’ve posted before about your mom making horrible threats against you. It would be worth asking - how many of her threats has she actually acted on in the past? I don’t know her and I don’t mean to downplay the seriousness of your plight, but my own abusive parent was (is!) all bark and very little bite. The abuse was still harmful, but mostly in an emotional sense. I was never actually cut off or deprived in any significant sense, as my abuser still clung to the idea of loving me and being a faithful parent. Maybe yours is similar, and you don’t actually need to take the fear of being cut off so seriously. Maybe if you could do that, you’d feel better?
Your fear of ICE is legitimate and not pathetic. There really is no limit to their indiscriminate cruelty. But it would be good to assess the risk carefully. For example, statistically, the likelihood of a kid dying in a school shooting is pretty low; you’re far more likely to die of something common like a car accident. So while parents are terrified of a shooting, they still send their kids to school, because the benefits of their child being educated outweigh the risk.
When I was severely depressed, one of the few things that helped a lot was just stepping out of my usual surroundings and watching the world for a bit. It helped me remember that the world is so much bigger than me and the worries that consume me; that there’s enough beauty out there to drown my depression. That there’s always hope, out there in the unknown, though I often can’t see it. It’s a difficult feeling to convey in words, but you’ll know it when you experience it. Stepping out of the house, even for a few minutes, could possibly have game-changing benefits. It definitely saved my life more than once, as silly as that might sound.
Now, the risk. In the case of ICE, the exact risk is unclear as their actions are somewhat random and unpredictable; but there are things you can do to estimate it. You might be able to find out whether ICE agents were spotted in your area (social media, and I think there was even an app for that? Try asking around here). Moreover, there are plenty of people trying to keep vulnerable populations safe from ICE. They know better than anyone else, from firsthand experience, what factors affect the risk; and they’re doing their best to share that information. Try your best to find it. (I wish I was saving that kind of information so I could share it here, but I’ve really not been on top of my game lately.) Then make an informed decision, and hold yourself to it.
Whatever you decide, you’ll feel better about your decision knowing that it was one that you made yourself, not one that was forced on you by fear.
Finally, I just wanted you to know that as someone who experienced something similar, I feel very strongly for you. I got very emotional several times while typing this, and I really wish I could give you a hug and tell you how much I appreciate you for making it this far; I know it can’t have been easy. While my own problems (which are not limited to my parents!) are far from over, I was lucky enough to live away from them for a while, and I think the distance has allowed a lot of wounds to heal. Sometimes things work out in ways you’d never expect. So don’t lose heart! I’m rooting for you.
Never actually done anything. Still terrifying to hear from a parent. I still remember that time when I was no even 8 year old yet, when my brother practically chased me out of the house. It was the most alone I’ve ever felt in my entire life, nobody to help me. My (former) country was dysfunctional at the time and I don’t think a “CPS” even existed. Those memories have been stuck on my mind recently. Being alone for those few hours were the scariest moments of my life, I haven’t even existed for that long yet, and my world was already in chaos. Even just those words, even empty threats are fucking terrifying. I try to sleep, I’m halfway asleep, for about like idk 10 minutes, then the dread comes in, sleep paralysis, with the fears of that day + all the shitty events that happened in my life all just coming back as if a huge bear just pounced on me. I couldn’t move (again, sleep paralysis), my heartrate goes through the roof, once I fully wake up from the sleep paralysis, I feel as if I just ran away from a fucking bear attack or something.
The first time I was restrained wasn’t actually the time when I got falsely accused of instigating a fight at school, it was way earlier. My older brother had a fight with me when I was probably somewhere around 5-8 and he fucking used those plastic zipties and ties me up. It was a long time ago, but those memories never went away, the memories are here with me after all these years, a whole decade and a half later. Law enforcement is so fucking terrifying. I hate being trapped in a place and unable to move.
Every time I watch people having a normal relationship with family, I just cry in happiness for the family, even if its in fictional media, and I just delve more into my memories and try to imagine an alternate timeline. Tears are always in my eyes, but sometimes the emotion part of my brain is so drained its hard to even properly cry.
I wonder if thing like lead or other food poisonings have turned my family into the way they are. Food regulations were very lax where I was from. Even baby formulas have fakes, nobody trusted baby formulas, they even had to smuggle in foreign baby formula. It wouldn’t be surprising if its just chemicals fucking up society so much.