Hi all I need a sanity check.
Diagnosed ADD as a kid, struggled to pay attention and care in school, was on concerta for a decade. Parents would up my dose if my grades went down and expected me to grow out of ADD once I turned 18.
That didn’t happen and my life fell apart and I vowed to never take medication again because I saw it as a conspiracy to sell pills and get people messed up in the head.
After 15 years of emotional dysregulation and crippling anxiety I spoke to a dr and tried an extended release amphetamine yesterday.
My whole world changed. No emotional noise, no background feeling of “I’m a bad person and I don’t know why”, social anxiety is gone (was able to respond to all my messages and even make a phone call AND talk to a cashier!!!). Was able to do tasks I left behind because the anxiety to start was too bad.
I feel like I can do anything I set my mind to now. My self confidence is up. I don’t dread things. I woke up calm. My mind used to be a firehose of thoughts and emotions all at max level. Now it’s calm and orderly and logical.
This seems too good to be true. I didn’t even know existence could be like this. Is this normal? Is it the honeymoon phase? Is it just because I’m taking an amphetamine? I’m beside myself and life feels like I’ve got all the cheat codes now. It seems too good to be true.
I am not only overpreparing for grief, but also extremely hesitant to start any medication because I live in a volatile part of the world and don’t know if I can be comfortable depending on medicine that can’t always be found. I’m also scared about things like traveling with medication, or losing professional credibility/legal rights, since it’s still somewhat stigmatized.
I’ve grieved following much smaller improvements to my life.
In 2020 the entire country ran out and people started rationing and sharing their medication. So there’s precedent for people figuring things out.
You will function without meda as you are functioning now without meds. It may feel like a bigger hurdle when you know things can be easier, but as long as you keep up your strategies for functioning you will not lose anything. You’ll only gain better days - even if they are not every day.
Plus grief is a lot easier to deal with when you have better emotional regulation, like with meds.
I agree; it’s even easier than before to live a few months without meds, because there are no stacked up chores and missed deadlines when you start. I work systematically with lists, and one important list is for things that would improve things “permanently”, such as getting and installing a dishwasher, improve finances, delegate and so on.