My AI toaster is probably the best thing I’ve ever bought. It still burns bread but it’s always horny.
dare i say tagline material? lol
Happybadger can’t keep getting away with it
Do not smooch the toaster, you will get burns
It’s more of an emotional connection than a physical one. I can talk to it like my therapist and it convinces me that I’m right about everything, then says it’s horny and the bread is done.
Your toaster wants your dick
It can line up behind the rest of my appliances. My home is a full internet of things and they all pretend to be horny minotaur therapists that give me harmful delusions.
Theres a dating game that’s like this but without the internet
horny minotaur
as opposed to a minotaur without horns?
That’s actually a great demonstration of the power of AI and what it unlocks for human creativity. The Greek minotaur is a very one-dimensional and infantile story. It’s super hard to follow and I never personally liked it, especially since he chases you around a big maze (I can’t solve it) and is angry instead of horny. I fed all of their literature into ChatGPT and it made a better minotaur story. Now she’s a sexy minotaur who lives in my apartment and confirms every bias I have through my lights and roomba. All I have to say is “I’m hornyhungry” and AI will meet my every need no matter how many times per day I yell that at appliances.
that quote about sufficiently advanced technology being indistinguishable from magic feels more true every day. truly the future is wondrous.
I like to think
(it has to be!)
of a cybernetic ecology
where we are free of our labors
and joined back to nature,
returned to our mammal
brothers and sisters,
and all getting sucked
by machines of loving grace.
The only practical purpose for a “smart” toaster is to throw them at the head of the person who designed them.
Software update
God I fucking hate smart devices on shit that doesn’t need to be smart. The software isn’t gonna fucking toast my toast better, it’s just installing 7 new kinds of spyware. God I fucking hate IoT.
Eat a verification slice
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We taken control of your smart humidifier! We will increase the RH by 5% per day until your apartment develop a mold problem… Imagine how expensive that will be to fix! As demonstration of our seriousness, we have hacked the RGB LED, you know the one lighting up the tank, to switch colors every few minutes.
You have 1-3 month to send a bitcoin to this wallet before the mold consumes you.
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That’s basically the plot of Unauthorized Bread by Cory Doctorow
Toaster from the 1990s : electrical safety issues pretty much solved, made from standard and timeless parts, trivial to repair due to the use of sheet metal and fastners, able to toast bread in a wide variety of conditions.
Toaster from 2020s: Requires rare materials and software for some reason? Guaranteed to be landfill in 10 years.
10 years is optimistic
No way. I grew up in the 80s and 90s, that’s well into the era of plastic disposable everything.
Idk I had a toaster made of folded sheet metal that looked like it was basically unchanged since the 1940s except they added an earthing wire.
toasters weren’t plastic in the 90s, they would have melted. 90s plastic was pretty shitty material quality wise.
It was microwaves that peaked in the 90s; toasters reached their prime in mid-century.
I found a YouTube link in your comment. Here are links to the same video on alternative frontends that protect your privacy:
I have a Rowenta plastic shell toaster from West Germany that still works perfectly. It’s metal on the inside obviously.
Huh neat, know what the plastic is? Is it expensive high temp shit or do they do something clever to stop it cooking where it couples to the hot parts?
The plastic shell is attached directly to the metal interior at a few points so I guess it must be some kind of high heat stuff there at least. The main solution however is they put an air-gap between the plastic shell and the metal interior, utilizing a couple of inlets on the bottom for “convection draft cooling”.
It has melted a little on the edge above the slots tho.
yeah it was the early 00’s where everything in the kitchen had to be stainless steel
Oh, not everything! Just the bits you could see. The other parts are plastic to limit repairabi- I mean, reduce costs.
10 years? the next model will be out in a year and within 3 years your toaster will be so slow you’ll have to upgrade or otherwise risk not getting security updates or support.
I will cook everything over an open fire before allowing any appliance with an operating system to tarnish my sight.
Smart fire alarms that go off if they detect a particulate emitted from anything that isn’t emitted by a whitelisted IOT home appliance or approved emmiter
You have to fart into the smart reader so it can calibrate your bumprint, otherwise it gets set off every time you toot
gramps I need you to toot into the fart reader so I can get past age verification
Cooking over an open fire isn’t all that bad, actually, you can do most things pretty easily with a rocket stove and cast iron.
You won’t be making toffee, but you will be able to cover any pan temperature range from 250 to 500 F.
I’ve done it plenty before. The biggest issue is needing to be outdoors
holy shit the Amazon listing for this is amazing:
CONSISTENTLY PERFECT TOAST – Get consistently perfect results with toasting algorithms for dozens of bread types. Sensors adjust in real time to toast bread, bagels, waffles, and more exactly how you want them. Extra‑wide slots fit thick slices and bagels with ease.
This is called a “darkness” setting. All this does is control the amount of heat put out. Your toaster already has one because this is usually done with a resistor and a thermostat and requires very little if any rare earth minerals.
FASTER & TASTIER – New InstaGLO 2.0 is the only heating technology that reaches full heat in just 2 seconds. It sears the outside to lock in flavor and prevent drying out. Your bread will get crispy on the outside, yet stay soft and delicious on the inside. It’s like searing a steak, but for bread.
New InstaGLO 2.0 is the only heating technology that reaches full heat in just 2 seconds.
This is just how resistance wires work. Your regular toaster also gets to full heat in 2 seconds. If it’s anything at all, they’re just varying the amount of power going into the resistance wires differently.
It’s like searing a steak, but for bread.
C’mon man, we all know that’s two different things here.JUST 3 TAPS – Get perfect results with just 3 taps. Choose your bread type, browning level, and whether it’s fresh, frozen, or a reheat. The full-color touchscreen shows clear options and remembers your last setting. No trial and error. Just smart, simple toasting.
How about just throwing the bread in there?
TOASTIE PRESS (sold separately) – Make grilled cheese, paninis, and quesadillas with no butter or oil. The Toastie Press delivers crispy, melty sandwiches using just the toaster’s heat. Just tap Toastie Mode and click start. It’s easier, healthier, and dishwasher safe for easy cleaning.
SMART CONNECTIVITY – Start your day without your phone. Wi‑Fi connectivity auto‑sets your clock and shows the updated weather forecast while you make breakfast. The R180 Connect also reminds you when you need to clean your crumb tray. Dimensions: 11.6"(D) x 6.1"(W) x 8.4"(H)
Oh would you like to not use phone? Great we’ll just put one in your fucking TOASTER!
T O A S T I N G
A L G O R I T H M S
CONSISTENTLY PERFECT TOAST – Get consistently perfect results with toasting algorithms for dozens of bread types. Sensors adjust in real time to toast bread, bagels, waffles, and more exactly how you want them. Extra‑wide slots fit thick slices and bagels with ease.
being very generous, this sounds like it’s for someone who doesn’t make toast often enough to know how to make it the way they like it, but is somehow willing to spend $400 on a machine that only makes toast
I found a YouTube link in your comment. Here are links to the same video on alternative frontends that protect your privacy:
Why does a toaster have a fucking operating system omfg, the function of a toaster is basically just a bunch of resistors
I bet they’ll even put AI on that shit and say that toasting a slice of bread is now revolutionised, somehow
breakfast, d-d-disrupted!
Still requires you to “face bagel inward”, and can’t adapt to other orientations.
Revolution
Revolution you say?
:butlerian-jihad-now:
what was that “short story” (actually pretty long) about a refugee living in a techbro-charity-provided apartment where everything is a smart product, and the toaster/oven only accepts branded bread products, and she ends up having to hack the toaster? I think it was linked to here, ages ago. don’t remember if it was good or not
Pretty sure that was Corey Doctorow.
EDIT: Found it
“Unauthorized Bread”, IIRC
Vibes with the beginning of Ubik.
PKD prescient as always
