When your diet consist of around 50% things that cause constipation and 50% things that cause diarrhea, you may need to perform The Ritual.
Those nights where any time you lay down to try to sleep the small excess heat from your abdomen pressed against the bed causes magma-poo to expand and press against the solid shitcrete barrier blocking everything in, sending stabbing pains throughout your gut.
You go from the toilet to the bed time and time again. Nothing happens on the toilet and the pain recedes, but as soon as you try to lay down again it comes roaring back. You can’t sleep, but you can’t poo.
At last you accept that you will not be getting to sleep until you defeat this demon. You go to the bathroom and strip off everything before sitting on the toilet. You must bear yourself and hold nothing back in this fight.
Sometimes you notice how your cast off clothing is laying on the floor and you remember that at times like this in the past it covered certain tiles or lines on the floor but that it isn’t quite in that position right now. You adjust your clothing to into the ‘correct’ position. It has become part of The Ritual, and The Ritual must be observed.
You cross your arms and press them against your stomach trying to squeeze the poo out from the top. If you have enough of a gut you place your arms under the bulge, with the vast weight of your shameful love of pizza and Ben & Jerry’s lifted up and out for the shower head to stare pointedly at with silent yet clear judgement.
You ask your God or the universe itself what you’ve done to deserve this and beg for mercy. You promise to eat better. You never want this to happen again. Ages pass. Finally a stream breaks free. The first layer of magma-poo has worked it’s way through the barrier to become a weak stream of lavashit. You push and grunt and press your arms tight into your lower abdomen, the gelatinous bulk of your gut quivering in shame as the mocking shower head stares down.
The flow of lavashit helps to erode the shitcrete blockage, and eventually the dam bursts into chunks that rip your body open as they’re forced out. The young and naive may celebrate here and try to return to bed, but the demon has a second phase so they will soon be back on the throne. The older and more knowing don’t even consider getting up. They know the night is not yet won.
Time passes before anything else seems to happen. The next layer is more shitcrete. Fortunately, this time it’s rigid inflexible nature makes it weak. Those first two layers spewing forth from the sphincter created a gap of space in the colon, and now the remaining magmapoo layers pushing against the shitcrete barriers are pressing towards that newly opened space instead of the exterior wall. Slowly, the shitcrete is defeated by it’s own rigid nature. It bulges in the center until a break forms, allowing more lavashit to erode it and assist in it’s agonizing passage. You know once more how it feels to give birth, but to a dark abomination of which you cannot speak to others. You may need stitches.
Eventually, it is done. The demon has been cast out. All shits have been shat. You uncross your arms and remove them from under your tubby bulk. You look to the shower head and meet it’s scornful gaze with the self-assuredness of the victor. It nods slightly to accede, but reminds you that you need to keep those promises you made to all of the Gods and change your diet. It warns that if you fail again, you will be back again.
The Ritual concluded, you wipe up and put your bed clothes back on.
It’s the middle of the night now. You will get some sleep, but not near enough. Tomorrow will be a long day. At some point before the end of that day you will decide you don’t feel like cooking. After all, you are exhausted.
You decide to order a pizza.
yes.
It’s called IBS, thanks.
If you’re pressed for space, you can keep an emesis bag by the toilet. Mine are purple. I also keep one in the door pocket of my car.
No, but I always take off my shirt a la Costanza.
Taylor Farms has entered the chat
I’m lactose intolerant and love milkshakes… So yes
Buy lactaid tablets. They’re pretty cheap, and they work surprisingly well. In my opinion, life without cheese is not a life worth living, so in that regard, lactaid saved my life.
Isn’t most cheese of any real age essentially lactose free anyway though? I know lactose intolerant people who can eat cheese, but not other dairy products
I used to think that, but then I went a month and I think I just killed off that part of my gut biome, because the intense cravings just… stopped
Sometimes my stomach hurts so bad I get on the toilet fully clothed.
Looks like you almost made it.
Can’t seem to upload at the moment, so… https://www.extrafabulouscomics.com/___56
Pro tip…always keep a solid (not mesh) trash can in your bathroom. Hopefully you’ll never need to…but if you ever need to puke and shit simultaneously, you’ll be thankful.
My current bathroom is pretty small, i can lean over the tub if need to vom while shitting. Thankfully that hasnt happened since some awful virus i had in the early 2000s. But ill never forget.
SARS?
On the same note: Hardware store 5 gallon buckets are one of the most useful things you can own. Gives you a spot to puke if you’re on the toilet, or a spot to sit if you only have to puke.
This is why I always shit in the bath, makes the cleanup easier too
Lmao my gf made that mistake once. She had both. She just chose wrong.
Do people not get completely naked anyway?
I get naked whenever I open this app
You weren’t already?
I never close this app
at home i can even go with it, but do you strip down completely in a public restroom?
And risk getting my clothes all dirty in the stall? Never.
You need to disrobe before you go in there.
You don’t?
I also get super sweaty and start sliding around on the sest becsuse of it.
Bare minimum 33 other people have taken what I dub the “5 demon reamin’” shit
Also no one tells you to take the shirt off. And you don’t do it half way or towards the end… It’s a knowing. You just know. You plop that bad boy off and you literally wade through poo poo hell.
We are all called forth sooner or later.
I once had to lay down on the bathroom floor in a fetal position between rounds. Sweat was literally dripping. What a way to feel alive whilst expecting death!
Maybe a vasovagal reaction? Drink water and cross your legs while on the toilet, try not to push too hard.
I’ve definitely had it bad enough that I had to lay in a cool bath between rounds. It sucks.
Not an MD, but that sounds like a problem you might want a doctor to look at. My partner of many years had terrible gallstones that were fairly debilitating. When it got to its worst and she started turning yellow, a few days before she had an episode like you described.
Talk to your doctor about weird painful shits.
Nah, it’s called “the Revenge from Beyond”, you get it from eating Beyond burgers (or similar)
Uh I eat those all the time. I have never toilet-disrobed post-burger, but maybe post-long-run pre-burger? I think that has happened.
Or just ball out of control, your choice you know
Only once? That’s not normal?
A taco bell regular eh?
No, I just regularly abuse my body and the damage is building up
Here’s a song about your troubles.
yeah usually accompanied by profuse sweating
That’s gas, baby
Yes. In fact, it’s incredibly upsetting that you’ve brought these memories up.
Yeah but you felt like a god emerging from the other side.
Tell me you didnt, I dare you
I felt like the main character at the end of an action movie. I showered and went to sleep.
When this happens, the only thing that can make you feel remotely human again is to fully shower afterwards.
