Opening them feels daunting the minute they come, and the longer I put them off due to that, the more guilt gets added to the mix too, so they just go unadressed.
Has anyone found a strategy that works for this?
No, because I reply right away even if my reply is “No can do, sorry- busy with thing. Can we follow up next week?”
It is not guilt. You just have better things to do.
Someone told me about a thing a bush pilot supposedly said: If you are a few hours late, they curse you, but if you are a few days late they are very happy to see you. So, uh, pretend you are are bush pilot??
Nah.
The only way I can break the cycle is by diving in and clearing backlog periodically. Then realizing it wasn’t half as difficult to tackle them as I’d imagined. Then the cycle begins again. With it, the sense of guilt and dread.
I can relate deeply. Eventually with old friends I do power through, but IDK how
Unfortunately, the only way I’ve found to avoid this is to be on top of my responsibilities
Something I’ve been working on in therapy is “microavoidances” where you keep ignoring small things to the point your brain is wiring itself to think the small task you’re avoiding is actually a big problem. Just recognize when you’re doing it, see if the discomfort of checking is worse than the discomfort of continuing to avoid it. But really, it’s just practice doing the tasks you’re avoiding until you build up a tolerance
Adding, you don’t have to complete the tasks, just move them closer to a state of being complete. If it’s the dishes move them closer to the dishwasher everytime you pass by it and notice it, for instance
Or load some if them which can make coming back to finish them easier.
It actually has a name it’s called task activation avoidance. We want to ignore it as long as possible because the minute we open it it becomes another responsibility we have to remember and complete. I struggle with this a lot but what helps is if I tackle them one at a time. I block off time out of my day to open them one at a time and try to complete it 100% whether that’s simply responding back or getting the person an answer. I definitely don’t always get them all but I do get a bit of dopamine from the feeling of completing one of them so there’s that.
Has anyone found a strategy that works for this?
I work from home. So I scream, hit the desktop, run around my office, kick my chairs. I can make as much noise as I want as I’m totally alone. That puts me in a different mind state, I presume because I got my adrenaline levels up, and I can open the fucking email. Yes I look like a crazy man, and maybe I am, and it makes me hate myself a little more, but it works. Most times at least.
This is actually awesome
Oh yeah, that would work for me too. This is akin to running up the the wall the ADHD put up and barging through it. But using the brute force approach to any ADHD thing is quite tiring so I’m curious to see if anyone has managed to trick their brain somehow
Eventually your cardio fitness gets good enough to do this more frequently
Oh yeah. And the anxiety too. I have bills I can pay and I keep forgetting because of anxiety. It’s not that I can’t pay them. I hate looking at how much money I have or don’t have. It’s not healthy to my wellbeing.
I’m blessed I make good money that I don’t have to look at my bank account.
Omg its crippling. This is why you don’t bully neurodivergent kids.
I’ve had a BS email job for about ten years now, and I can honestly say that if it was actually important, they’d have emailed again. And if they should have? Hurray, everyone dropped the ball! You get to swoop in and say “hey, just going over some old emails - we addressed this, right?” Framing plays a big role in how people respond to late follow-ups.
they’d have emailed again.
Right, but if I’m avoiding even opening my email software, then I don’t need to see either email lol
It’s just advice about how to answer old emails, I’m not tryna cure executive dysfunction lmao
SEND HELP
Hahahaha I cannot 😕
they’d have emailed again
That makes me feel even more guilty. Sometimes the stress makes me open the new email, sometimes not and these are the worst ones.
We all fuck up. Constantly! We’ve created a world we’re collectively not smart enough to run properly. Forgive yourself, and then reframe.
guilt is a core part of the game loop that is my ADHD life
Oh, I usually end up doijg the comolete opposite – wait for weeks until the other side firgets they sent the kessage and accepts they won’t be getting an answer, and only then read it and pretend I only just noticed it then. By that point all their potential anger over me not having replied will have passed, so there is less guilt for me to have to overcome.
Oh absolutely.
“Hey sorry, looks like this fell through the cracks…”
