I cook at home because of restaurant prices and tip culture. Driving everywhere sucks. Everything feels miles away so good luck walking.
Hobbies. I struggled with this after college also because I left the church and my old social life had dried up. I was conditioned to just show up and my friends would be there and the nonreligious outside world doesn’t always work that way.
I would join a club or a group, preferably one with an even gender split or even a skew towards whoever you’re interested in dating. I found dancing in 2006. I never would have expected to get into it and probably spent most of the 90s calling it “gay”. I was tricked into going by a friend who said we were going bowling. I trusted her and she drove, so I had no escape. Many dances are “social” dances which means anyone can ask anyone to dance and you aren’t expected to bring a partner, most people don’t. I kept doing it and eventually started going without my friends. 20 years later, I have been in charge of running dances, I’ve been on the committee of large events, I’ve made some money teaching lessons, but most importantly of all, I’ve collected a circle of awesome supportive people, some acquaintances, some friends, and a handful that I’ve dated. Don’t go in with the intention of dating though because it counter intuitively guarantees you won’t find a date. Instead, just have fun. Ask the people who aren’t getting asked to dance, make friends, enjoy the music, etc. People notice when someone is capable of having fun on their own and they want to be a part of that. They appreciate someone who will dance with the sweet little old lady who shows up every week and not just the 10/10 blonde with the double D’s. My goal was always to dance with every woman in the room once, then go back for seconds with the people I most enjoyed dancing with. It can cost a few bucks to get in, but almost all of them will let you in free if you volunteer for a half hour to collect admissions or help set up/ tear down. It’s harder for guys (if you dance the lead role) to get started, but don’t be discouraged because we’re outnumbered and always in demand.
Biking is another good activity to meet people. You can join a club in many cities for a few bucks and they’ll basically send upcoming rides to your inbox all year round. If you’re not exercise inclined, there are also PEV (personal electric vehicle) rides in many cities that give you all of the fun and exploration with only a fraction of the workout.
Other good ideas: Frisbee golf league, ultimate Frisbee, hot springing (hot spring hippies are cool and very welcoming), poetry slams, board game parlours (these seem to be popping up everywhere) etc.
Hobbies. Groups. Bars/clubs. Anything that fosters community. Find somewhere that cultivates a shared interest and engage with others, they aren’t necessarily going to come to you
I’ve been wondering that too. There are always co-workers but none I really connect to. Lots of parents but now that kids are grown there’s nothing in common.
Now I’ve really gotten into cooking but my kids are in college and I have no one to cook for. I have a smoker that can ditn30+ pounds of meat or 6 racks of ribs. Who’s hungry?
Find local polyamorous meet ups. They’re usually down for new “members”. You’ll have a new friend group for a while with the opportunity to bang several people. And usually there are any number of breakups so you can be a shoulder to cry on, etc. Seems like a lot in retrospect.
Desperate time calls desperate measure.
Username checks out.
Shared hobbies are your best bet. Either find a way to make your existing hobbies social, or get a new hobby you can do with people.
You can also try events at your local bars or meeting people at work, but both of those have serious drawbacks.
And if you are looking for people to date, the vast majority of options you have these days are online. You can try hooking up with strangers at a bar or meeting someone while engaging in a social activity, but statistically a tiny percentage of couple meet that way these days.
Meeting people is the easy part. Do this at:
Work Hobbies and Organised Activities Church or other Spiritual Communities Online, both locally and long-distance.
Though after meeting people, phase two is the most difficult: actually convincing people to hang out and do stuff.
Then phase three is actually creating and maintaining the friendship, lol.
These all become exponentially harder if you need complete ideological purity from your friends and romantic partners.
If you are looking for ideological purity, step zero is therapy.
Sell the car. Move into a tiny 3br apartment with roommates in a walkable city.
Date your roommate’s friends. They’ll date yours.
Change roommates occasionally.
Fuck if I know. I volunteer. I joined a community choir. I am mildly social at the coffee shop. There’s a local bar/restaurant with picnic table seating and the culture is you can talk with anyone you are seated by as long as you’re civil. People still go to churches. There’s PTAs and stuff for your kids. Just a few ideas.
Work and hobbies
This might go without saying but to add to this you need to find a place to meet up with people with those hobbies somehow. I had hobbies but wasn’t meeting anyone since I just did those hobbies alone. You essentially need to find a “3rd place” and hobbies is one way to achieve that. However you can also do things like volunteer and other things to find that 3rd place.
What do you enjoy doing that’s not work and not “adulting”?
Find a hobby. Then find a group that shares that hobby. Clean up a park day, maybe.
Or find a charity or nonprofit that needs volunteers.
The local library probably has things going on, too.
Find a third space whether it’s the magic the gsthering shop and shop tournies or church or a knitting circle ran by the local yarn shop.
Museums too. There are a decent number that have “adults night” now.
That’s a great suggestion! They also tend to host specific exhibits and events that give good opportunities to meet people with similar interests.
Plus they’re just fun. One in a small city by me has an exhibit on local glass manufacturing techniques from the previous turn of the century and how some were invented locally, comparing them to ceramic techniques from across the globe and time. Absolutely fascinating stuff.
Imagine finding the perfect partner, getting married, moving in together etc.
Now that you’re married and that’s all settled, where do the two of you go for fun? Where do the two of you go to get out of the house?
Go there.
Shit fuck i don’t go anywhere with my wife. I’m gonna suck at dating
That’s when people stop going outside and having friends. are you nuts
Upon closer reading, I think the key was imagining what you’d do with a future partner. No one imagines how much nothing they’re really gonna do nowhere
Work and shared hobbies. I recently went to buy some hardwood from a work colleague. We don’t even work the same shift but they’re fond of asking what I’m building or showing me what they’re building because who else are they going to talk to about their hobby (I imagine).
We’re not friends, but there’s this hobby. I get there and it’s not a mere business transaction nor do we talk work. It almost had a kid feel to it. Like when you crossed the hedge to the yard of the kid next door and he welcomes you because it’s more fun if you can show off and share your toys. Only as adults. Kudos on reclaiming a small piece of that.
Adulthood is such a roadblock sometimes.
Being an adult is hard, in so many different ways.
I miss kindergarten.
Naps, cookies, juice boxes, why did we ever stop that?
I just woke up from a nap, and now I’m eating cookies. Don’t have any juice boxes on hand tho; a can of cola will have to do.
I love being an adult. It’s amazing.
I absolutely hated Kindergarten. Being subjected to the whims of clueless adults is miserable.
Being subjected to the whims of clueless adults is miserable.
Sounds exactly like adult life with a job when you phrase it that way.
as an adult you can choose a job where you don’t have to do that. I have one boss and he’s competent.
That is not a choice that everyone can make.
Tbf, neither is a happy childhood
Yeah, it’s luck all the way down.
yeah it is. nobody is forcing you to work a crappy job you don’t like, other than yourself.
lots of people choose that life, and pretend like they don’t have any other choice. and settle into a life of bitterness and anger and usually a toxic coping mechanism that deprives them of what little disposable income they do have. like alcohol, gambling, or similar.
if you want to improve your life you have to give up the coping mechanisms, save your money, and invest in yourself. but that is hard and most would rather daydream about a big magic pile of money falling from the sky.
Many people live in towns with fewer than five companies, with poor internet access. Many people have to keep odd schedules because of family care obligations. Many people are functionally illiterate. Many people have criminal convictions. There are a lot of things that can limit your ability to leave a job you already have.
Many people do accept work conditions worse than they have to, but not every worker is flexible enough to choose their work.
If you genuinely believe this (i personally think you’re trolling), then you need to take a step back, look at your situation, and recognize how privileged you are.
A significant amount of problems in the world would be helped by The Privileged recognizing that their life is not representative of the lives of everyone else.
Nothing is more privileged than expecting other people to improve your life for you. That’s actually the philosophy of most wealthy people, that everyone else should do shit for them, while they sit around and jerk themselves off about how great they are.
The irony of this whole discourse is that basically you think everyone should have the privileges of the wealthy, but you also think the wealthy shouldn’t have the privileges they do. And you don’t see the contradiction.
I wasn’t wealthy. I worked my ass off. I’ve also seen people with way more money than me piss their lives away. Most of the most bitter losers I have ever known had trust funds.
What you don’t understand is that the difference isn’t money, or privilege. It’s attitude. You want to shit on some hardworking aspring immigrant kid as a privileged twat for achieving their goals, and stupidly assume that the drugged party person somehow should have the same success in life, because nobody is responsible for themselves.
Or maybe worse, you see people who worked their way out of the working-class drudgery into a secure middle-class or upper-class existence as ‘traitors’. Yeah, my entire family and friend thought I was a traitor too when I was growing up, because I wanted something better than living in a rural backwater place.
lol I’m not reading this novel.
There are millions of people who work shitty factory jobs so we can order our trinkets off Amazon and i care much more about them and their problems than privileged idiots.
Those people are the ones thay deserve life improvements, not the “grindset” “alpha males” that make the “bootstraps” talking points.
At least in Kindergarten I didn’t know they were clueless. Now I’m an adult subjected to their whims and know they’re unstoppable idiots.
yeah but cookies and juicy boxes.
who is stopping you from going to the store and buying cookies and juice boxes?
I buy that all the time! I love it.
Volunteer. Audition for community theater. Get a job. Join a hiking group. Take an adult learning class. Download a dating app. Get yourself out there.
it’s a good way to meet new people. i do many of those things. none of them are good for meeting young single women.
where i live young single women are entirely focused on hanging out in bars, restaurants, and traveling. They don’t do hobbies or volunteering. the women who do that stuff are usually older or married or lesbian.
You have to consider: Do you actually want to meet a young woman who hangs out in bars, restaurants and airports? Spend all night talking about her Gucci bag from Dubai or some shit?
If those are the options you have, I’d choose the old married lesbian any day.
No, you simple be alone and be happy pursuing your life rather than trying being with someone who looks down on you for not caring about Gucci bags and doing having a happy and socially positive life that isn’t about crass materialism.
Traveling - notoriously not a hobby.
I was responding to OP asking about friends and relationships, so not just “young single women.” But I did also say try a dating app. Singles is pretty much all those are for.
Obviously no one can give you town-specific suggestions but are bars and restaurants the only things women do you where you live? I’d be very surprised if that’s true.
This guy does not hold women in very high esteem. I doubt he knows much at all about what women actually do and enjoy.
I didn’t say it above but I completely agree. He sounds about half an inch from using the word “females” at some point.
I’m guessing you don’t want to hear “the bar”.
Hobby groups. For board games, hiking, sports, etc.
You already have a shared interest, makes things easier.
This is how I did it. You just have to find the like minded individuals and put in the time to get to know them. I did it through meetup.com some, word of mouth of events from other friends, and just talking a chance and talking to someone who seemed chill from work. Some of my best friends now.
I hope Mayberry is nice grandpa. This isn’t the world anymore. If it was you wouldn’t be reading this post.
This has been just over the past couple years for me. It absolutely still is the world if you aren’t a jackass
Every comment you made in this post has basically been agism wrapped in a cultural mask. I get you’re mad at your parents but you’re also going to be old someday whether you like it or not.
It’s also just that it’s easier to talk to people while doing things. Chatting over a task/project/activity is kinda just what people do
True! Making friends out of strangers isn’t really all that difficult, but it does take some practice in being a normal human being and talking to people you just run into.
The sense of community in America is really dying out hard as people isolate themselves further in their little islands of homes and apartments and only socially exist online. But it is possible to just chat with some person you meet in the park while going for a walk without being a weirdo, just many people have forgotten how.
There’s a group of guys I meet up with in the warmer months to fish for bass under a bridge. How’d I meet them? I was fishing for trout in a lake and one of em asked if I had any bites. We had a normal chat between fishers, asking about what we’re targeting, what kinda bait and lures we’re using, comparing successes and failures. I peppered in some info about myself, e.g. mentioned a local noodle bar I liked, mentioned my partner, he did the same, we felt we were similar enough, he invited me to join him and his friends and now we meet up every couple of weeks between April and October.
You just gotta talk to people and not make it weird.
Yeah, it’s a difficult and scary skill to learn, and it begins with the much maligned small talk. Small talk is just easy ways to feel out another person so you might become more comfortable with each other. You just practice it with strangers until you’re comfortable doing it in general, and from there you can move to get better at conversing. It really is just a skill people can learn.
Plenty of people here are social. They just are not open to meeting new people, new ideas, let alone people that are different than them.
They want everyone everything to be the same. That’s what is super weird to me, personally. They get super hostile to you once they realize you aren’t like them, even if you are polite and kind.
I’ve had people try to start physical fights with me the past couple of years over differences of opinion or hobbies. That never happened to me ever in my life until recently. It sucks. The hostility is intense in a way that it never was before.
“I’ve had people try to start physical fights with me the past couple of years over differences of opinion or hobbies.” “No woman from a dating app has ever wanted to be my friend unless she was trying to get in my pants and I wasn’t into her.”
Do you think maybe there’s a common denominator here?
I found bars full of people with self abuse issues.
Then the other things seem more useful for you in particular.
Best answer I’ve ever had for this was ‘find something to support.’ It can be anything. Just find a space where you have people trying to do something for the benefit of others with some bare minimum cost of entry. The group coming from people trying to help others will bias it toward nicer people. The cost of entry, even something small like $5/mo or physically present volunteering, deters anonymous trolling.
The other good option is classes. Doing things to improve your skills in something is generally worthwhile anyway, but it also puts you in contact with other people who share an interest.
