Context: I’m 19 and completely inexperienced when it comes to dating. Two days ago, my friend, her boyfriend, and I were supposed to go see Backrooms together, but one of the boyfriend’s friends joined us last minute. This guy insisted on paying for my movie ticket, snacks, dinner afterward, and even 3 books when we stopped at a bookstore, and then he drove me home. After the movie, I mentioned that I wanted to see Obsession next because, in my mind, they’re kind of sister movies, and he said we should go see it together, which we did yesterday. He acted the exact same way then too. He’s also going fishing on Sunday, and I’m going with him. I’ve never had a guy act like this toward me before, so I honestly don’t know what to make of it. But I really love it, and I can’t stop thinking about him.
Yes, he likes you.
I would be cautious, this sort of behavior is unusual, even for someone who likes you. The reason behind it is up for interpretation. In the most generous interpretation, he doesn’t know how to act either and is attempting to hint that he likes you. In the most uncharitable interpretation, he is attempting to lovebomb someone who doesn’t have the experience to recognize the red flag.
Either way, I would approach with caution, because you don’t need to be malicious in order to be abusive. That is to say, abuse very rarely occur because someone is actively trying to manipulate you. Typically, it occurs because someone has an unrealistic expectation of how relationships work in practice, and this expectation biases their actions and judgment (funnily enough, Obsession is about this exact theme).
What this means is that inexperienced people are typically more likely to be abusive just by sheer virtue of not understanding what a relationship is like. I don’t want to be overly negative - I want to be clear that it’s possible that he’s just also inexperienced and that he is wise enough to learn quickly.
If you want to interpret his actions charitably and if you want to give him a chance, then I would highly recommend you have a good conversation at the very beginning about your (and his) expectations of a relationship, both in the short term (ie, what do you expect the other person to do in x/y situation? Is there anything that the other person may do or may stop doing that would cause you to feel upset?) and in the long term (ie, do you have compatible life goals? Do you expect that you will have a long distance relationship at some point in the future? Would you be OK with that?). Don’t be scared to talk about uncomfortable or shameful subjects - it’s better to get these questions sorted now than to sort them out later, when shit has already hit the fan.
And, also be aware that because both of you are likely to be inexperienced, both of your expectations are almost certainly going to change over time, and so it will be a good idea to build a habit of checking in once in a while to see if those expectations have changed
One final but irrelevant advice: hold off on sexual intimacy. It’s important to build a relationship around life habits rather than just sex. That, and people will typically be guarded when in a new relationship. It typically takes about 1 year of close contact before someone starts to lower their guard, and 2 years before someone fully shows who they are (this also happens to be why most relationships last 2 years). I guarantee, the worst thing you can ever do in a relationship is to have sexual contact with someone who turns it to be crazy. It’s going to be hard to hold off, I get it. Been there, done that. But it’s vitally important for the overall health of the relationship to not have sexual intimacy for at minimum 6 months, and ideally at least longer than a year
No sex for at least 6 months to a year?! My god, let the kids live a little. As long as everyone is on the same page with expectations and practices safe sex, there’s nothing wrong with having sex much earlier in a relationship.
Yeah, fuck that. I’ll wait a month or so if they want to get to know each other first and make sure I’m not crazy but much longer than that and I’m out. Everyone of my partners has been way more sexually aggressive at the begging of the relationship and then cooled off after a few months so they’re basically advising everyone to skip the best part…
This. I agree that communication is really important (and that can even be “I don’t know yet if we fit together”), but in my experience you don’t have to confirm/commit to a long-term relationship before having sex. Just make sure expectations are communicated early and frequently, so both know what to expect.
Very true, I acknowledge that safe sex can be had much earlier. But I don’t think my advice is as absurd as it sounds at first glance.
6 months seems long on paper but from what I’ve observed, it’s really not that long in context. By my estimate, that’s around the time when a casual relationship transitions into a more serious relationship. So really, all I’m saying is to make sure that you’re serious before you commit to taking the risk. I’m just drawing a semi-arbitrary line to delineate a casual and a serious relationship. I consider it to be more actionable to have a solid number, especially for someone who doesn’t yet know what a casual or a serious relationship looks like.
In context, I know an acquaintance whom I would describe as very free-spirited. She ended up waiting something like 4 months before her first sexual contact with her significant other, and that was without any advice. So 6 months is quite doable in my opinion.
There’s certainly nothing morally wrong with casual sex, I do not hold it against someone if they choose to have sex before 6 months. But practically speaking (and I would argue that an inexperienced person is in most need to hear practical advice), I still stand by my stance that it’s a good idea to err on the side of caution. It’s always more preferable to start having sex too late than to start having sex too early. And that’s especially true when you factor in that we are starting off this potential relationship with some concerning red flags
Here’s where we disagree. You’re viewing sex from a risk management perspective, whereas I’m viewing it as a healthy part of life
I think we’re actually on the same page then. I don’t think you’re wrong in any way, I just also don’t think these 2 perspectives are necessarily mutually exclusive
Jesuchristo, a year?
I would never advise that. It’s fine to enjoy sex. Some guys are more into chasing and just want a challenge, lose interest once you fuck - I don’t want a guy who likes chasing, I want a guy who likes sex with me. I don’t want the first time to be the best time either. That long buildup then a letdown is too big a risk to gamble a year on.
I’m old now but still would say a physical relationship is a shallower level than an emotional relationship, and having sex soon into any relationship has worked better to find a good match and, well, at least got me plenty of sex.
Not advising the OP here (She may not even want a physical relationship at all) - just responding to the idea that it’s better to wait. In my life I have never found it better to wait.
A year is way too long for me. I would at least give it a month, bare minimum.
I think there’s some misunderstanding here. They said “don’t immediately have sex” and “people don’t open up until around a year” as 2 separate statements. They weren’t necessarily saying to hold off on sex for a whole year.
I think, at the core, my argument is simply this: don’t rush into sex. Take your time to figure out if this is really what you want.
I believe everyone can agree to that statement. But my perspective is that quantifiable, actionable advice is more helpful than advice in which the recipient has to apply their own judgment (what’s the purpose of giving the advice then?), and so I have semi-arbitrarily chosen that 6 months to wait is a safe bet and 1 year is ideal.
And I acknowledge that waiting a year is unusually chaste - that’s why I consider it to be an ideal circumstance rather than a practicable target. Is waiting a year for sex unusually risk-averse? Yes, undeniably. But you also can’t deny that waiting that time would give you the best perspective on whether or not it’s a good idea to have sex with someone
OP said this:
@imnotpainter@lemmy.world ^This is a solid and comprehensive reply, and I agree with all.
In regards to the last part, I think sexual intimacy can be okay at an earlier stage, as long as you ensure clear and honest communication beforehand about expectations and comfort zones. But as mentioned, considering the inexperience, caution is your friend. Do not rush; you have time.
Another advice is to be inquisitive: Ask him directly what his intentions are, and why he’s infatuated with you. Perhaps also ask your friend’s boyfriend about him, and have him tell his 5 cents both about this guy as a potential partner, but also as a person. It might come to light things like him being on the spectrum: Even seemingly socially adept people can be on the spectrum, and it only shows when they’re in unfamiliar/stressful situations. This could explain his behavior as someone who just don’t know how to show his affection, and (desperately) attempts actions he knows make people happy, like gifts.
I say this as someone who qualifies as a socially adept person on the spectrum, and I recognize this behavior.
Completely fair point. It’s definitely a lot more nuanced than I wrote.
In my eyes, I find that there’s a lot of pressure to have sex, and very little pressure to hold off. This is especially true for inexperienced people. People will tend to rationalize themselves into having sex, even when in hindsight they really weren’t ready. So to avoid having to consider edge cases and/or irrational thinking, I find that just setting a hard-and-fast rule where you just really should not have sex for x amount of time ends up being the simplest and most applicable advice
This is overall very good advice. But I’m going to push back on the stuff about sex. I’m asexual, but I’ve done kinky stuff with a lot of people who turned out to be abusive garbage, and even a Nazi girl. And I don’t regret any of the sexy stuff. I regret the bad relationships and being abused. I regret the love, but not the lust. The best sexual experience I’ve ever had was with an enby who destroyed Me for months and left trauma that lasted years. The relationship was not worth it. But gods above, that one night was…
If you’re gonna fall in love with crazy, you might as well stick your dick in it!