I was shooting heroin and reading “The Fountainhead” in the front seat of my privately owned police cruiser when a call came in. I put a quarter in the radio to activate it. It was the chief.

“Bad news, detective. We got a situation.”

“What? Is the mayor trying to ban trans fats again?”

“Worse. Somebody just stole four hundred and forty-seven million dollars’ worth of bitcoins.”

The heroin needle practically fell out of my arm. “What kind of monster would do something like that? Bitcoins are the ultimate currency: virtual, anonymous, stateless. They represent true economic freedom, not subject to arbitrary manipulation by any government. Do we have any leads?”

“Not yet. But mark my words: we’re going to figure out who did this and we’re going to take them down … provided someone pays us a fair market rate to do so.”

“Easy, chief,” I said. “Any rate the market offers is, by definition, fair.”

He laughed. “That’s why you’re the best I got, Lisowski. Now you get out there and find those bitcoins.”

“Don’t worry,” I said. “I’m on it.”

I put a quarter in the siren. Ten minutes later, I was on the scene. It was a normal office building, strangled on all sides by public sidewalks. I hopped over them and went inside.

“Home Depot™ Presents the Police!®” I said, flashing my badge and my gun and a small picture of Ron Paul. “Nobody move unless you want to!” They didn’t.

“Now, which one of you punks is going to pay me to investigate this crime?” No one spoke up.

“Come on,” I said. “Don’t you all understand that the protection of private property is the foundation of all personal liberty?”

It didn’t seem like they did.

“Seriously, guys. Without a strong economic motivator, I’m just going to stand here and not solve this case. Cash is fine, but I prefer being paid in gold bullion or autographed Penn Jillette posters.”

Nothing. These people were stonewalling me. It almost seemed like they didn’t care that a fortune in computer money invented to buy drugs was missing.

I figured I could wait them out. I lit several cigarettes indoors. A pregnant lady coughed, and I told her that secondhand smoke is a myth. Just then, a man in glasses made a break for it.

“Subway™ Eat Fresh and Freeze, Scumbag!®” I yelled.

Too late. He was already out the front door. I went after him.

“Stop right there!” I yelled as I ran. He was faster than me because I always try to avoid stepping on public sidewalks. Our country needs a private-sidewalk voucher system, but, thanks to the incestuous interplay between our corrupt federal government and the public-sidewalk lobby, it will never happen.

I was losing him. “Listen, I’ll pay you to stop!” I yelled. “What would you consider an appropriate price point for stopping? I’ll offer you a thirteenth of an ounce of gold and a gently worn ‘Bob Barr ‘08’ extra-large long-sleeved men’s T-shirt!”

He turned. In his hand was a revolver that the Constitution said he had every right to own. He fired at me and missed. I pulled my own gun, put a quarter in it, and fired back. The bullet lodged in a U.S.P.S. mailbox less than a foot from his head. I shot the mailbox again, on purpose.

“All right, all right!” the man yelled, throwing down his weapon. “I give up, cop! I confess: I took the bitcoins.”

“Why’d you do it?” I asked, as I slapped a pair of Oikos™ Greek Yogurt Presents Handcuffs® on the guy.

“Because I was afraid.”

“Afraid?”

“Afraid of an economic future free from the pernicious meddling of central bankers,” he said. “I’m a central banker.”

I wanted to coldcock the guy. Years ago, a central banker killed my partner. Instead, I shook my head.

“Let this be a message to all your central-banker friends out on the street,” I said. “No matter how many bitcoins you steal, you’ll never take away the dream of an open society based on the principles of personal and economic freedom.”

He nodded, because he knew I was right. Then he swiped his credit card to pay me.

“Did that person walking down the street just glance at my house for 0.00001 second???”

BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG

“Yes officer, it was self defence. I was scared for my life”

Man I fucking hate the military, just finished my service to this country after doing multiple tours in Iraq and Afghanistan and all I can afford now is a fucking Camaro LT, couldn’t get my hands on the v8 model, MY BUDDIES DIED FOR THIS COUNTRY and all I can get is a 4 cylinder Camaro? fucking piece of shit country where are my constitution rights.

How are yinz doin’? I just got back from the shooting range, I’m now on my way to the bodega. I’m fixin’ to wash down my Chicago deep dish pizza with a mighty fine bottle of Clamato. I work in the Brigham Young Memorial skyscraper on the 105th floor as Xerox technician for MAD Magazine, the last American magazine still in print, and live on a cattle ranch next door to said skyscraper. Yet somehow I must still commute for 25 minutes each way in my Ford F-999 pickup truck (which has 6 doors, 8 seats and 1 sq foot of bed space).

When I am not at work, I might go see an alligator down at my local Bayou, go surfing in my local Pacific Ocean, or hit the slopes of my local Aspen. I do not consider the food portions here too large, and I thoroughly enjoy lining up for 6 hours to vote for an election during November (which is a month that I swear used to be cold, but I guess I was mistaken) that can’t and won’t be affected by my vote because I don’t live in a swing state.

My 2.5 children have normal hobbies such as chasing a hoop with a stick, playing Subway Surfers while watching someone else play Subway Surfers on a second screen, and wandering unsupervised along a railroad track with 3 of his friends.

My wife, who I pretend to hate in front of the fellas because it’s a societal norm, is a part full time stay at home mom (which I do not spell with a u) from Mon - Fri, and a part full time bomb technician for Lockheed Martin Tues - Sat.

I wish to for the country to move forward in unity because it’s too divided nowadays, and so I’m doing my part to bridge the gap between me and black Americans by learning Harlem Jive to speak to my black neighbors, wishing every black person I see a happy Kwanzaa every December, and deleting all traces of me wearing blackface to a frat party in college from the internet.

Howdy Y’all, my name is Kenichi Smith!

I’m a 27 year old Japanese Toonaholic (Cartoon fan for you foreigners). I draw cartoons and comics on my tablet, and spend my days perfecting my art and playing superior American games. (Halo, Gears of War, Call of Duty)

I train with my 1911 every day, this superior weapon can shoot straight through steel because it kicks ass, and is vastly superior to any other weapon on earth. I earned my gun license two years ago, and I have been getting better every day.

I speak English fluently, both the Midwestern and the East Coast accents, and I write fluently as well. I know everything about American history and their Constitution, which I follow 100%

When I get my American visa, I am moving to New York to attend a prestigious High School to learn more about their magnificent culture. I hope I can become an animator for Nickelodeon or a game designer!

I own several cowboy outfits, which I wear around town. I want to get used to wearing them before I move to America, so I can fit in easier. I keep cool to my elders and seniors and speak English as often as I can, but rarely does anyone manage to respond.

Wish me luck in America!

Hey babe hop in the Dodge Oppressor XXL 8.2L, we’re going to Target… The country of Iraqistan on false pretenses to keep this momma truckin’

Someone called an ambulance for me while I was unconscious and now I have a year’s salary worth of medical debt I was never given the option to refuse

I am shocked and appalled by how racist those Europeans are.

Imagine a burger

Yeehaw pardner, did you know that English is uniquely strange because it has loan words? Our words also have connotations! No other language that matters does these things.

Howdy, you all. I just ate all the corn syrup in Walmart and they called to police on me.

I am now shot and gambling at Las Vegas to pay for the bill.

God bless I am praying for more corn syrup and for god to cure my sisters bubonic plague if he has time (personally I think she should stop being lazy and cure it herself though).

I want to immesarate your population and I will hide behind smarmy jokes and memes about bringing liberation for oil which may look self aware on its face but I seem to revel in it much more than is healthy or morally acceptable while accompanying it with dehumanizing the targets of conflict.

I ain’t gonna play in your little game. I make the rules around here and I say what game we’re playing. We’re playing Ultimate Frisbee

I’d hate to live in one of those authoritarian countries. They have so much propaganda they have no idea what’s going on in the real world! Now shut up, I’m missing the national anthem (better stand or you’re a dirty traitor) and F-35 flyover before the football game. After that, I’ll eat some Doritos® Real American Cool Ranch™ and play Call of Duty®: Modern Warfare 14 where I’ll be saving the world from the evil country as an American soldier. GOD BLESS THE TROOPS AND THE FLAG!

I hate my job, hate all them politicians, hate the government, hate them fat cats on wall street, but if you say anything left of nancy pelosi i’m gonna report you to the feds for being a pinko commie